Agnostic.com
9 13

Well, here I am, 59 and just last week admitted to myself that I do not, nor have I ever, thought like a male.
I made a post when someone asked about transgender and during the course of answering the question to my surprise I outed myself. It was something I've known for years on end but never allowed myself to face.
I have no idea where to go from there. I called my aging Stepmother and told her today, I expected hellfire and condemnation because she's a holy roller, but she simply said, "That explains so much about you that I should have known all along, I love you and this changes nothing about our relationship."
I feel pretty broken about it in a sense because now I accept that I'll never really fit, not that I ever did, but somehow I thought I'd wake up one day completely at peace with myself.
All that comical overcompensation.
Clueless on what happens next if anything at all.
It's like I'm the only member of an alien species in a world that will never relate to me.
It's not a new feeling, it's just different because it's now officially irrevocable, but then again it always was.
I join this group because while I feel completely alone I know I'm not.
I'm looking for guidance knowing that, as in everything, the easiest way is to learn from others and this world is new and strange to me.

Novelty 8 Feb 5
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9 comments

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0

Personally, I don't think there's a certain way someone "thinks like a male". All that I know is that I think like myself.

And you certainly aren't alone about feeling like you'll never really fit. I often feel that way as well though it has nothing to do with gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity. I imagine that there are many people that feel like they don't belong. I usually feel most comfortable when I'm by myself while at the same time I'll feel very lonely.

I wish I had some advice for you. Good luck with figuring life out from here on. I'm still trying to find my own place in the world and not having much success.

1

OK well.... WELCOME to the alien home world!!!
I think the first thing I would say is be careful of people's advice and remember it is only that, the way for you to go forward is one that has to be personal to you and you alone, you worked the first bit out by yourself pretty much it seems and that's an impressive thing no matter how early or late you come to the ground thumping "oh my god yeah that OK" revelation about yourself so remember there is no "right or wrong" way forward or way to dress or act to become that thing you are on the road to finding.
It's a pretty frightening thing at first, all the "will my friends etc accept me" thoughts, my experience of that has been very positive in that not only friends have accepted me straight off but so have strangers and anyone who won't accept you for who and what you are is quite frankly someone to let drop off the radar anyway, doesn't mean you won't be bothered by it but it comes down to you finding yourself and the rest of the world who can't accept that can go to hell in a hand cart!
I have found the further I have gone down the transition the more I actually am becoming happy with myself, having spent most of my life seeing an alien in the mirror and reaching the point where I could no longer look in them, now I have reached a point where I actually like what I see and the "alien" is fading into the distance as time goes by, I would kind of describe it as growing up all over again but the right way and whilst life still has all it's problems, there is a certain calmness in me that has never been there before and a kind of happiness that I never knew existed except for other people, so scary at the start yes, easier as you go yes also.
The range of "new stuff" you have to think about is quite bewildering but also uber cool, do you want to appear on the outside how you feel on the inside? up to you, do you want to wear dresses or makeup? if yes erm wow kind of a lot of choice, do you want to go down the route of hormones and surgery? I would say don't overwhelm yourself with such concepts until you are a little bit more comfortable and grounded in the whole way you feel.
I know non of this is answers but I hope it helps a bit, if you want to know anything specific feel free to ask and I can try and answer but as I say for everyone it's a different journey so what is right for you has to come from you, other than that all I can suggest is that you get comfortable with yourself, don't view it as become a new person or a different person, look at it as becoming what you always have been and if it doesn't sound too mushy, follow your heart.
Good luck hx

0

Shine on you crazy diamond. Life will inform you of what comes next.

rainmanjr Level 8 Feb 6, 2019
2

I’m glad to hear your step mom was so accepting. People can surprise you. Having someone in your corner is a HUGE bonus.

If you want to transition, the 1st step is usually getting a therapist. Get one who has worked with trans folk before.
There is no one “Right Way” to take this journey; do what is right for you. However faster or slow you want to go.

See if you can find a local support group, that meets in person. They may provide help with learning how to do hair/wigs, make-up, clothes. I realize the MTF dressing and going out for thr first time can be a challenge for some. If they socialize outside the meeting venue, that would be a safe opportunity to go out “dressed”. Even if they don’t socialize outside the meeting venue, you can at least get used to dressing.

Threre is a ton of info on the ‘net. Some legit and some not. WPATH provides standards of care; So you’ll have an idea of what to expect. Here’s a link: [wpath.org]

CS60 Level 7 Feb 6, 2019
2

Things like this are never easy, but so glad you have started on the road to your true self. Take your time and don't be hard on yourself for the time it took to get to this point in your journey, it is ok. Society puts so much pressure on all of us to conform to some unachievable stereotypes, and then we berate ourselves for not achieving them. We are all nonconforming to one degree or another, we just need to do a better job of teaching ourselves that it is ok and "normal" not to be "normal", because no one really is. There are a lot of resources out there, including here if you need to chat. Thank you for sharing with us. Also remember there is no right way to take this journey, you decide what this means and what steps or changes are reasonable for you, or not. You are unique, and while your path can be guided by what others have done, your path will be unique as well. Hugs.

4

Discovering our genuine selfs is a life-long process. Your age today is nothing more than a point along your linear story. You've been familiar with this part of your puzzle for a long time. Now, you've decided to fit it into the place where it belongs. Keep looking for the next piece that fits and put it in place. Life is far too short to be anyone other than your true self. I wish you all the best in moving forward.

iDale Level 4 Feb 6, 2019
5

I'm glad you made it here. And I'm glad your Step Mom was cool!

I know you'll find other people here who understand. ❤

RavenCT Level 9 Feb 5, 2019
4

You've just opened up your world, enjoy~
You are youer than anyone, a Specialist....shine baby!

1

I’m not sure of your next steps perhaps talking to someone that specializes and go from there. But just admitting it to yourself out loud is huge. Well done you.

Gypsy494 Level 7 Feb 5, 2019
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