Beaverton delivers again...
Health Canada announces it will cover treatment for Canadians forced to imagine Tony Clement sexting.
OTTAWA – Following the news that MP and former Health Minister Tony Clement is stepping down from his role as shadow Justice Minister due to a sexting scandal, Health Canada has announced it will be covering all treatments related to what the medical establishment is calling the Clement effect.
Likewise, Industry Canada (where Clement also served as Minister) will be covering the costs of lost productivity.
“Canadians affected by this in any way need to know they are not alone.”
The government will not only be paying the costs to cover treatment of the physical symptoms (nausea, extreme nausea, uncontrollable laughter, shuddering so hard one breaks teeth and/or bites through dental appliances), but the costs of counselling for every Canadian who can’t stop thinking about what’s in that video.
“It’s finding out about the video that’s really damaging,” psychologist Heather Jones said. “People’s imaginations can only go so far when it’s an image, but a video? A sexually explicit video made by a married man having an online affair who has in the past touted family values? That conjures up deep seated depravities of a breathtaking scope that can replay like gifs in a person’s mind until total psychological breakdown.”
“At this point, the only thing worse for our collective mental health than imagining the video would be actually seeing it.”
At press time, Clement was not stepping down from his position as MP because technically there’s no law that elected officials can’t be hypocrites or dumbasses.
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