Some of you may remember a few years ago the late and unlamented apostle Mark E. Petersen's "inspiring" little talk at conference aimed toward serving missionaries "STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION”
If you have never read it, there is a sequence on You Tube of it being read out to much hilarity by comedian Graham Norton.
It inspired a little parody, I wrote many years ago I recently came back across and thought I would share with you.

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTICATION

Markie. Pitabread
Council of the 12 Appetites

Midnight snacking and over eating is a problem for many young people in the church today be assured you fat pig that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:

1. Never even touch the intimate parts of a Macdonald’s, KFC or burger King except during extreme needs for normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone in a fast food joint, supermarket or sweet shop as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other fatties. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. Don’t think you can over come this together with gum, hubba-bubba, bazooka Joe or Juicy fruits will only increase the desire to masticate.
   Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things, such as broccoli, tofu and whole meal rye bread.
4. When you cook, do not admire your dinner in the pan. Never stay in the kitchen more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to fry something up and add dressing AND THEN GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily get food in to your mouthly parts, I recommend a ball gag so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove it and start noshing. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
   (Ball Gags are available from me under plain brown paper wrapping at a reasonable price)
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE BATHROOM have a w**k if needs be.
7. Never read cookery books. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "Deliah Smith is the anti-Christ."
   .
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books –
   Billy Bunter, the life story of Dawn French, How not to be a fat b**d by Ivor Sandwich.
   Remember Jamie Oliver is a deamon!!!!!
9. Pray. However, when you pray, don't pray for home Pizza delivery. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries to come round and empty your fridge, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND AND OUT OF YOUR GOB BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT.

As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming Mastication can be implemented using some of these suggestions. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated.
Suggestions:

1. Pray fervently and aloud when the temptations are the strongest. I suggest shouting unto heaven “Oh my God, I’m effin’ starving!!!!”
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. When you can’t get your breath walking upstairs you know you’re winning
3. When the temptation to masticate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then punch yourself in the face, remember no teeth=no chewing= no problem.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. When you have fainted a few times from hunger you will know you have succeeded.
5. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program Change in behaviour and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Ignore anyone who screams “Jesus Christ what the fk is wrong with you, you look like st!”
   they are only envious
6. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. If nothing else you can use them to lean on when you faint again.
7. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, DON’T EAT IT.
8. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Some will tell you these moments of weakness are call Dinner Time, Breakfast Time and most evil of all Lunch.
9. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. Believe me you can come to really enjoy those electric shocks, I know.
10. During your meal times, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. Soggy bread is awful
11. Do not eat in bed, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity food eaten while running has no calories.
    13.Wear a gimp mask in bed that is difficult to open, you can get them with a padlock on the mouth zip from me at a very reasonable price.
12. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create salivating excitement. Nigella Lawson is the Devil!!!!
13. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases, though some people have been know to wake up and found they have eaten it.
14. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masticating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing a ball gag and a gimp mask which would be difficult to remove while half asleep (see above for availability). Not taking a pie to bed with you may also help in such cases.
15. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfilment.
    If you are really successful you will only need one pallbearer.