1 0

I'd like some advice from y'all:

I have an aspie friend, I'll call him Elvin, who lives not far from me and doesn't drive (and can't afford a car even if he could drive). I've known him for a few years, and before the pandemic I'd give him, and sometimes his mother, rides to places around town, just to help out. Elvin's a nice guy but he's irritating sometimes, he has some common aspie traits like infodumping, excessive interest in one thing (politics) and not letting me talk (our phone conversations can last over an hour, I just put him on speakerphone and browse the web while he's talking), and he's not dumb but he has an intellectual disability and doesn't seem to understand certain things or needs to be reminded over and over. I have not been to see him since March, and he understands I can't go visit him or drive him around anymore. (A mutual friend says I'm overreacting, but Mom and I live together, she's 78 and a cancer survivor, no I'm not going to take chances.)

I've been cleaning the house out, Mom and I want to move someplace smaller and more manageable now that Dad's gone and no one else lives here or visits often (we used to have extended family members live here or come for protracted stays) and I gave away like twenty bags of stuff to Goodwill and the Salvation Army, actually I'm still working on it, there's still a lot more to do, and I've told Elvin I don't want presents or anything from him. But my birthday is coming up and he wants to send me a card, as well as a bunch of stuff, including DVDs he made. I've told him over and over I don't want too much stuff. He's always giving me calendars, posters, fliers, whatever, a lot of it ends up in the recycling bin. Whenever we used to go anywhere, if he saw free posters or fliers or anything, he'd take like ten of them to hand out to people (I'm pretty sure there's no one to hand it out to, since it's hard for him to get around and meet people) and is always asking me if I want one, I'll say no, he does this over and over and over again. It's like he doesn't absorb the information that I'm never going to want it, and he does it "just in case". And Mom (who tends to yell a lot and kind of gets hysterical easily) said once, when I got off the phone with him, "I don't want any junk in my house!" cause she overheard us talking about it.

The other thing is, I don't want to give him my address because, and maybe I'm overreacting here, I'm kind of afraid the next time he has a fight with his mother he'll hop in a cab and come over here and say he needs to stay a few days. Which I don't want anyway, cause he's okay once in a while but quite frankly I find him so irritating I don't want to stay with him for more than a few hours at a time, and only once or twice a month. He's a nice guy, just really irritates me, it's a combination of his aspie traits clashing with my aspie traits. And I'm not sure he has good boundaries, he'll call me almost every day and leave long, rambling messages, hell we'll talk an hour (or I'll listen for an hour) and then he'll call me back in half an hour because he forgot to say something, I've learned not to answer the phone the second time because it'll be another hour of my time he ate up. (I also don't answer the phone most of the time he calls.) And he fights with his mother every once in a while and will call me and tell me he has to leave, he can't stay with her anymore, he'll find a place and go, but to my knowledge he's never actually gone anywhere (cause he has no money for a hotel room, and where else can he go?).

So, if you've read this rambling post thus far, I'd like to ask how anyone here would handle the situation. I asked my NT brother, and his response was, "Give him a fake address." Yeah I'm not going to do that, that would be cruel. If I had a friend who didn't mind getting my mail for me I'd ask them, but I can't think of anyone who would do that, and I'm not bold enough to ask anyway. And I don't really want to go to the trouble or expense of getting a P.O. box. I keep putting him off, can I do that indefinitely? Maybe he wouldn't hop the cab and come over, but I'm afraid he might.

altschmerz 9 Oct 9
You must be a member of this group before commenting. Join Group

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

1 comment

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.


You are a kind person to put up with this as much as you do.

You've got to to think of your own wants and needs and sanity so I don't think you need to go through the trouble of giving him any address at all. I'd say that you ought to explain to him that you need boundaries but, from what you explained about him, it seems he wouldn't understand, or it would go in one ear and out the other, so I wouldn't even bother with that.

It seems to me that your best bet is to continue what you are doing. Give him your time when you can spare it and don't answer when you don't feel up to it. It seems kind of mean to treat someone that way, but when dealing with a person who isn't able to understand relationships, and takes a lot without giving much, I'd say any help and friendliness you offer him is much better and more than what the vast majority of people would do for him.

Does he get upset if you ignore him? Do you think he understands that you sometimes don't answer because you're sick of him and his rambling stories? If not, then there isn't any harm in ignoring him as much as you need to and only communicating with him when it's convenient for you. If so, then he ought to try and understand why you get sick of him and ignore him.


I know what you mean. I tend to be the good listener in the conversation so I attract talkative people too. I wouldn't have the patience to deal with this guy though. Unless he were family or something, but even then, I wouldn't be as diligent about communicating with him and as understanding as you are. What are NT friends? Non-traditional?

I think your strategy of not always being honest with him is justified. It sounds like he isn't going to get it and consider your emotions so its best to just do whatever is necessary to keep him calm and feel as though he has a dependable friend who is interested in what he has to say.

Does he have any other friends? There must be support groups or something for people like him. Does he communicate on any social media? It seems that there are platforms for people with all sorts of niche interests out there on the interwebs. Maybe he could find people who would actually enjoy listening to him, some real friendship.


Sounds like some terrible circumstances he's in. Makes me appreciative of what I have.

Sounds like his understanding of social norms is pretty deficient. He may be doomed to a life of frustrated loneliness. I don't know what can be done for a person like that. Other than what you're already doing.

Recent Visitors 13

Photos 18 More

Posted by nifaunWhy fit in when you was born to stand out?

Posted by altschmerzI was diagnosed with autism by a psychologist after a day of testing, but my current therapist keeps saying she doesn't think I have it (or I'm a "little bit" autistic).

Posted by altschmerzI was diagnosed with autism by a psychologist after a day of testing, but my current therapist keeps saying she doesn't think I have it (or I'm a "little bit" autistic).

Posted by altschmerzI was diagnosed with autism by a psychologist after a day of testing, but my current therapist keeps saying she doesn't think I have it (or I'm a "little bit" autistic).

Posted by MsAlAutism is

Posted by MsAlPointing out or caring about things that people dont notice or that make them uncomfortable and being labeled as unperceptive because of it.

Posted by AustinSkepticusMy brain in summary, can you relate?

Posted by mikecagainThis is my favorite quote about autism. Not sure if it's been posted before.

Posted by ipdg77The Maori word for autism is.............

Posted by LadyAlyxandrea18 years ago today my baby brother was born.

Posted by LadyAlyxandrea18 years ago today my baby brother was born.

Posted by LadyAlyxandrea18 years ago today my baby brother was born.

Posted by matthew1954Paper turned in by Autistic 2nd grader. Pure genius, IMO

Posted by MelissaJHHi, everyone.

Posted by JazznBluesThis is my daughter Gabrielle.

Posted by Donto101My son is autistic and a very picky eater.

  • Top tags#kids #religion #friends #society #world #video #parents #atheism #advice #religious #hello #wife #movies #children #god #Mentalhealth #hope #agnostic #culture #depression #lonely #university #hell #belief #church #religions #books #reason #Atheist #book #community #psychologist #Texas #fear #acceptance #politics #cancer #mother #money #government #Exercise #documentary #mynameis #believer #divine #Diet #created #Autism #cure #media ...

    Members 140Top