5 5

SUN AND SHADOW
The child in me remembers,
In cool of early morning, bare feet planted in grass grown long
In the soothing trill of summer birds,
perched and preening on rotted fence all but gone
And in chirps of morning crickets still awake from evening’s orchestral play
I remember, in the buzz of insects whizzing past this sleepy head
While holding leaky hose that mists the growing heat of day
Distant trains serenade me with horns forlornly bleating
And I wonder where they go, on their tracks that always know their journeys end
Not like these old eyes, closed with face upturned, suddenly weeping
For all I wish to still create and all I cannot mend
Beneath the fading in and out of sun and shadow, sun and shadow
sun and shadow…
The child in me remembers,
The fleeting years of hide and seek, of stay and run
Every coming in and every leaving,
with beauty that remains in warmth of resplendent sun
And the shadow of my twilights final grieving

Flying Angel© 2018
Photo by me

Stargazer13 7 July 28
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AAAHHH!!! Reminiscing...Such sweet sorrow, only to know we are older now and can not change the past!!!!

0

Love the thought of life well thought. Good write

azzow2 Level 9 July 28, 2018
1

I have a good friend , a poet in Northern California. She is a member of a poetry Critique Group. Poetry Doyennes, mostly retired acedemics. "They are brutal. And so very loving. The first time you submit a poem for their perusal, you leave feeling as though you were mugged and dragged behind a car for 10 miles."
"Did you go back?" "Yes. My arm in a sling and nursing my injuries. Slowly I healed. I resubmitted. Five or six times. I read my piece a thousand times, snipping and sanding" "It's beautiful, I closed my eyes as I read, every image illuminated."
Your 'Sun and Shadow' is beautiful. It pinged around in my brain bouncing against memories and eliciting smiles. But it is not polished. There are a dozen or more words that you could change or eliminate. This is not for me to say but I hope you will take this advice with open eyes.
I really like this.

Lincoln55 Level 8 July 28, 2018

Honest and faithful critique is a fine tool, most effectively wielded by compassionate others.

@Stargazer13 How curious?

@Stargazer13 IF . . .You are curious and able to check your Ego at the door. . . I would do a line by line. This is not a critique group. In a group there are several voices. It would be one opinion and one opinion only. And thats the important word. It is only anothers opinion. It is your poem. it is a series of "What if you were to try this? I am going to show you a poem that went through this process. So one more entry.

@Stargazer13 I did not write this. It was sent to me a half dozen times by the author in various drafts. This is a piece that went through 'The Poetry Doyennes' critique group.
it is called Metal Work

I have learned this much at the bench
That if you hammer silver too much
It turns brittle on you
The molecules that were aligned
To be malleable break apart
Just give away
And you can’t bend this thing anymore
To what you dream
It’s time to anneal
To heat your metal to red
Put it through a mill
Start all over again

0

Beautiful! I love it!

0

Well done!

brentan Level 8 July 28, 2018
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