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Unintended condescension: what's your best example?

Hominid 7 Jan 4

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"I'll pray for you"
The speaker thinks they are somehow helping. But what they are projecting is their unconscious belief that you are totally wrong and they are completely right so they are going to ask their God to "make" you think like them.
Sometimes if something bad is happening in your life it is a good persons intent to try to help.


Here's another one: "You lost your faith because you married an unbeliever". Geeze, could you be saying I'm that weak minded that my belief system is influenced by who I live with? Those that thought this were not aware of the timeline of my deconversion anyway. I wrote them off as friends, as the condescension was quite intentional.


In the blogosphere and debate arena, I have a gender neutral moniker. I found that I was taken more seriously if men didn't know I was a woman. When they found out, many appeared to be surprised.

Shameful you have to do that, but good for you for shaking things up. Old concepts die hard I suppose.

Their kind of thinking is why "J.K. Rowling" is not "Joanne K. Rowling" on her own work.

"Although she writes under the pen name J. K. Rowling, her name, before her remarriage, was simply Joanne Rowling. Anticipating that the target audience of young boys might not want to read a book written by a woman, her publishers asked that she use two initials rather than her full name."

Wow archaic sexism abounds yet today.


After people started finding out about my agnosticism, a friend who had lost two babies reached out to me. I know he was trying to be caring, but his response was basically "I've been through a lot worse than you and I was still able to keep my faith, why can't you? I bet if you take the time to talk with me I can re-convert you."

That mindset seems to be quite prevalent. They assume that misfortune is the reason for deconversion, rarely taking into account the fallacies of their belief system.

@VictoriaNotes My wife's family has come up with all sorts of explanations for my deconversion. Her cousin (who is a preacher) is convinced that I'm addicted to something and that if I pushed God away in order to not feel guilty about my addiction, and that if I can just break my addiction then I will obviously come back to God. Her brother tried to convince her that I must be having an affair and left religion in order to justify it. But her mom's explanation is the best: I purchased a Vitamin store last year, and her mom thinks I'm taking so many new supplements that it messed up my brain 🙂 But yeah, not one person is willing to accept the idea that my beliefs changed for rational/logical reasons.

I was told essentially the same thing by a "friend"; that I lost my faith because I was angry at god for life's circumstances. It's the only way they can understand your deconversion. It's that, or admitting you're right!

@BackToReality It's ironic that they thought you were the one with an addiction.

"Religious activity includes beliefs, experiences, and practice. [snip] Neuropharmacological studies generally point to dopaminergic activation as the leading neurochemical feature associated with religious activity."


@VictoriaNotes: Thanks for sharing that link; my ex was hyper-religious, AND obsessive/compulsive... even to her own admission. Throw in some bipolar, and the formula is complete according to the article. Her manic phases are what drove us apart.

@Hominid I can relate. Several years after we were married, my late husband also became hyper-religious after sustaining a traumatic brain injury which later caused cognitive (nonconvulsive), partial complex seizures (temporal lobe epilepsy), severe depression, and not long after that, he became bipolar. His personality changed radically and so did his behavior. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to read scriptures to me. He thought he'd been called by god and could see "spirits" in the form of demons. This from a guy who didn't have a religious bone in his body when we got married. The first three years of our marriage were some of the best years of my life. The last 4 years was a living hell.


My unintended condescension ? or someone's towards me ?

Towards you. Or maybe yours, if we get to condescend on you.



"Good for you." Imagine the possibilities!


I still hang out with a Former Professional Ballroom Dancer and well known teacher in the DC Baltimore area. We had been an item of some kind for almost this whole Century. Everyone I Met ask me the same question... Am I a "dancer" too? The disappointment in their faces when I project myself as an "average joe" that simply is in a position to not having to pay for my lessons. I am the "Original Dancing With The Stars". But she reminds me how Good it feels to be a "Gentleman to a Lady". Condescension is accepted as part of the Dealio. And she makes me look Great Dancing so.... Bring it on.


I am of the opinion that most people who do this do it by intension, most people are aware of it and do it to make themselves feel superior to you. I guess I am a bit more judgemental of this kind of a thing or more aware of the feelings of others.


I get that alot but it usually comes from the "keep up withe the Jones" types. Sad people can't just be happy for your progress!


Mine is: Well, when you need God, he'll be waiting. (Such a comfort)


I'll go first: after I bought a great house in a semi-rural setting with lotsa land, great neighbours etc... my brother says "Well, this is a cute little house you have." Emphasis on cute.

It ain't his house! Keeping up with the Jones? I stay away from the jones!

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