"The Special One is a fairytale just like religions" is the key realization.

Or, to put it another way -- each of us is special, just like all the others.

Every person you could spend your life with is just another unremarkable bundle of neuroses, hot buttons, hangups, phobias, pettiness ... and, of course, of remarkable, admirable qualities, self control, equanimity, generosity. And so are you.

When I was a kid I bought the romantic BS that culture constantly rhapsodizes about (who doesn't?) and the unfortunate thing is that set my expectations. I embarked on the adventure because I bought that bogus "happily ever after" value proposition. Once that was priced in, how I felt about the mixed outcomes was a foregone conclusion.

Oh, I had enough sense to append "more or less" to "happily ever after". I didn't imagine there would be NO challenges. But I did think that the overall story arc would be copacetic. Lol.

I feel both elevated and diminished by my marriages. I can point to things each of us contributed to each other, and to things that were quite disappointing. Frankly, at times I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

So if I had it to do all over again ... knowing what I know now ... what would I do? Fly solo all these years? Nah, I'd probably succumb to the temptation of a relationship again, sooner or later. I guess that says something about the ol' human condition ...

I don't think there's "one special one" for each of us. But we can make a relationship special if both people try. I had a great marriage for a long time, but it came apart through neglect and unattended to differences. We're still friends and do things with the kids (who are both technically adults now). In fact I was just at a celebration of the opening of her book store this evening. Maybe I'll find someone else, and maybe not. I was depressed for a while, but I'm over it for the most part, and I have no idea what a new relationship might be like, but I'm not going to rule it out.

Worst part, for me, was being so far away from my kids after the divorce. I divorced almost midway through my military career and for most of that time, I was either on the opposite coast or overseas. When I did get time with the kids, the reacquaintence time usually wrapped up just before I had to get back and there weren't the voip and video over ethernet apps that there are now. As for the ex, she went on to make a series of other bad decisions, which gave me assurance that I made the right decision.

Is a divorce like death? The loss of a spouse,similar to the death of a promising relationship? The beating yourself up because something was said or not said? Signs missed,a slight taken the wrong way,maybe the first cracks in the the bond you had,resulting in a total collapse?