This was an eye opening discussion. Gave me answers as to why my long term relationship failed. I'll need to revisit this talk. Thanks for posting.

Thank you so much for posting this video. There is a LOT of info to take in here. One has to listen to it a few times to get everything she is saying. I find this very fascinating indeed.

Thank you all for sharing such intimate history. ...maybe I missed your words reflective of USA sexual revolutionaries ??? I cannot recall a single night of love that was not verbally and artistically declared a revolt from patriarchy theocracy and war
.....1964 until today I have lived my romantic life completely dedicated to : " HER " pleasure ....even deliberately "making a baby" now 23 was 24 years ago this month a evening knowing ovulation would be most assured through orgasm. ....of course women in every generation were kept out of joy and kept in painful servitude but not my spouses not my lovers

Yes I like to feel safer protected by my lover as I protect her mutually. ...and the journey from mystery to union is cyclical. ...she can't tell me enough of what she experiences and I answer any question she has for my internal less than visible sensations. ....I suppose I should watch this video and read the transcript but I fear my longing for love in my current single living will be tempted deeper not reassuring for a new love to chose ME SOON

the responsibility for ALL my experiences is always with me. expectation is the killer of any kind of connection with each other. it is as simple & as difficult as that - if i want to experience love, desire, erotic, etc. i have to be free to open up on that level & play, not expect anything from my playmate. for that reason i like the home(s) Frida Kahlo & Diego Rivera built for themselves.

You should know by now I will take notes. The link between sex, babies and sexual disruption is so apparent yet it is never discussed.

I have trouble accepting that this is the first period that women want sex for pleasure and connection rooted in desire and not for baby making. I think that might be more of a social construct than an individual one. There have been plenty of women in the past who were sexually active and did not want kids (my aunt who was born in 1915 was one of them).

The sustaining desire part, I feel, was missing some important items, companionship, love, knowledge (seeing things from another’s perspective), connectedness to name a few.
I agree “But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise” is also sought after and that often a relationship (marriage) can squelch those needs (even so, all those things can be and often are present in any relationship especially the surprise part).

I totally agree with the foregone conclusion part. To me that is reduced through variety; eating the same food day in and day out becomes boring. There are a huge variety of foods out there so there is no need for boredom (and I’m not talking about partner variety).

One thing that is missing concerns the type and stage of the partnership. When one is starting out the need for resources is paramount and one has to exchange some ideals for simple survival. With some of us that is no longer the case.

I strongly believe people evolve. Having multiple relationships (not at the same time) helps in this process. Unfortunately, one can evolve in a negative direction. I have read “Sex at Dawn” and found a lot of things true. I still have a problem with the “other” and their “red light district”. I am hearing, multiple partners and, for me that is not a viable option. To want a relationship/partnership is to be willing to work at getting one’s wants met with one person at a time.

I found a lot of truth in the clip but also a lot of stereotyping and generalizations. Not everyone has had the same experiences or want the same things. Yes, one would be extremely lucky to find an ideal partnership (I was) but one has also to continually evolve and be flexible. What is the expression? “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Espectacular, it's all very familiar.
Thanks

My wife and I had a blast during the first 10 years of our being together. A lot of adventure shared. Than the kids came and for several reasons we were forced to live apart. My wife in the family home, I in an apartment. My office and bedroom. I slept in the family home regularly and by day I was there most of the time, sharing the family things. It was a time under pressure, but still I suspect that living apart together for a few years has been the savior of our relationship in the period that there was a lot of pressure. At a certain moment there became more structure in our life and I found a regular job and gave up my apartment. We decided to share the home again. Since this time we also sleep in one bed again. Apart from the fact that that is not the best for the best chances of a good rest, it feels comfortable and close. Many years ago already, we accepted that we can't fulfill all each-others needs completely, but both of us have as much space we need to enjoy our life together. We managed to be together for about 44 years, so we must do something good, whatever some psychologist might think of how we did it. Apparently we both get enough out of our partnership and friendship to be pretty happy.

This had me at "foreplay starts when your last orgasm ends." Scheduling sex with your s.o. Is where it's at. And it doesn't preclude the odd bonus round. You both behave more intentionality when when you both know when things are about to uh...go down. This has been my experience. Sadly past tense.

Thanks for the share. I learned something from this video. Esther Perel is intelligent, knowledgeable, and entertaining.

Separate bedrooms or perhaps separate houses...

When I used to travel for work a lot of the time, it was much easier to have a good relationship as being together was more novel and exciting.

Now I haven't lived with anyone for 10+ years. Not that my girlfriends haven't spent a lot of time with me including days or weeks together. But the fact that we each have our own private space seems to work well.

Of course the converse is that perhaps mediocre relationships last longer because of that space whereas with more concentrated time together we'd get sick of each other sooner...

Love Esther.

I like Ester Perel and her take on relationships. I feel as though she has quite a practical approach.

"It's one of the reasons why I think having separate bedrooms can be very beneficial for long-term relationships."

I'll second that. My wife was financial controller for a custom home contracting business years ago in Calgary when the money was still flowing (I.e. pre-2007). In many of these million dollar homes, the clients wanted 2 master bedrooms for the reasons you cite.

Different from my first 2 girl friends that were best friends of mine first.... My wife was never my friend... never on 19 years of marriage a best friend. We could argue and still find us in the bed as if nothing happened. But since we got separated I never once desired her again. So divorce been easy just like separation was easy. I just lost a sex partner. I knew there will be others. Some connected with me at a different level she never could... maybe because I didn't let her. Every human is different. I never saw her as a lifetime thing for me.