"As the 2020 presidential election draws closer, it’s more important than ever for Democrats to put aside their differences to unite around my feckless centrist candidate. We must remember that this is simply not the time to discuss and debate the merits of each candidate to arrive at a popular consensus pick. That sort of “primarying” isn’t helpful in a primary election, as it will only result in the most popular candidate winning the nomination, which isn’t my feckless centrist.

You might think that the candidate voters select is self-evidently the best candidate to win the general, as they have already proven they have some sort of popular support. But what really wins elections is “electability.” Electability is a perfect metric I invented that rejects flawed models like polling data and past election results and favors the views of myself and other wealthy, white op-ed columnists. Yes, Bernie Sanders consistently polls as the most popular running Democrat, but that’s because most voters don’t understand that he’s not who most voters want. If you want to win elections, you have to listen to me. I know my stuff — you don’t get to where I am without graduating from Rich Kid Legacy Admissions University, interning at the Koch Brothers Institute for Promoting the Agenda of the Koch Brothers, and consulting for several prominent losing candidates"