Curious as to how others have handled situations such as the one I have found myself in a few times.
I am a student of Egyptology and will be going on a dig this coming season.
I have had dates in the past where the men tell me that I would have to quit if I wanted to have a future with them. Of course I don’t go for that sort of ultimatum.
I have come to the point where I bring up my career right away and ask if my date if we end up “serious” would be willing to either go with me when I go out for a dig (be it for a few days or the entire dig) or if he would be satisfied with staying behind while I go out for the season and waiting for me to return. Now some think that is too forward. But I rather know what they are willing and not willing to do before investing my emotions and time.
Has anyone else dealt with similar issues?
Who the fuck would not want to travel! I suggest you say upfront that you will be on the move and would love the company, but come he’ll or high water you ARE going on digs!!! Btw it’s silly that a man would expect you to follow them in today’s world. Travel now forget everything else. You’ll be a better person. Never settle!
I have the same problem where guys expect me to make all these sacrifices and be avaliable all the time but that isn't how mama rolls. As someone who passionately wanted to be an egyptologist since first grade, screw them. I'd love to go with on a dig just for the experience (you know Chris Naunton? I'm a friend. He's super.)
"I am a student of Egyptology and will be going on a dig this coming season.
I have had dates in the past where the men tell me that I would have to quit if I wanted to have a future with them. Of course I don’t go for that sort of ultimatum."
I hope that by "don't go for that sort of ultimatum" you mean "tell them to fuck right off and kick their arse right out the door"!
By the way . . . what kind of misognynist, insecure, knuckle dragging, control freak asshole tells a woman that she "has to quit" her dreams if she wants a future with him? How you didn't put your middle finger in his face and say "die childless and alone you unfuckable cretin" is a credit to your patience.
Nope, never been in that situation, but I think that is a reasonable conversation to have to weed out the "traditional" suitors who treat women like second-class citizens and expect them to sacrifice everything to be together. That kind of compromise should be based on other factors, or may not be an issue at all if both parties are ok with spending long periods apart.
It's been my experience that this is not uncommon for many academics. If you date, are dating, someone else who is in academia (a professor or grad student), they'll understand that this comes with the territory. If not, then they should learn to accept that this is likely to be part and parcel of dating you.
This is definitely something that should be discussed early in the relationship, but maybe the 1st date is a bit premature. You don't even know if you like each ther yet. Relax, have some fun, and hold those "do you want children" conversaions for at least a few dates. My career happened after marriage and did require a lot of travel for short term (one or two weeks), but fortunately my wife was OK with it and did travel with me when possible.
I was in an analogus situation where I travelled every week, away at least 4 days. I was married at the time and there were no secrets about my travel. It was hard. Then when I started managing a team based in Palo Alto (I lived just South of Seattle) she was insistent that we move to the Bay Area / Silicon Valley. It was so long ago that I don't recall if she made an ultimatum. My terms were that she needed to have a full time job as the cost of living was so high (she had not worked full-time before). Any job at any pay as long as it was full time.
We moved and it was ok for a while when most of my clients were in the Bay Area. Then when my teams were more regional, national, or global and I would travel more often, it became a problem again and was one of the things that ended our relationship.
I think you should ask. A man who also travels might be an ideal fit for you. Good luck!
Being up front at the start is best. A lot of musicians who are on the road all the time get ultimatums, including myself. I might have been disappointed, but I couldn't blame them if it is not what they wanted in their life. Time goes by much faster for the one on the road than for the person waiting at Home.
I don’t have this situation, but I do have a parallel where an early discussion is necessary. What I’ve found is that stating things up front or too early, will almost always result in everything ending before it even starts. You get judged on that one thing alone, without the other person knowing if you’re worth the effort.
My suggestion is to wait a bit and get to know each other a little. Then, when you tell him, he may think that even though he didn’t think he’d want a relationship like that, your wonderful self is totally worth it.
For myself, being polyamorous makes this a moot point, though obviously the choice would have to be a mutual decision on both parties behalf. Unfortunately, judging from your profile it would appear that is not something you'd abide. Regardless, I wish you luck in finding your match.