It appears to remain customary that children will be awarded to their mother, if their mothers want them.. Men appear to expect this, so rarely prepare or envision themselves as a single parent. What they also expect is harsh treatment from their former wife, demands of alimony & child support, the children turned against them, and being ‘replaced’…

Things are changing, but it seems what you described remains a reason fathers are disengaged sooner

As the primary caregiver from birth for two daughters, the only guy at the playground, volunteering at their school … or showing up to meet the parents of their friends or their teachers, I felt the reverse. When their mother decided to leave me to finish raising our daughters alone, the circle felt complete … if reversed

What I noticed from other ‘dads’ while in the thick of it was the fact, though ‘both parents’ often worked, the mother always appeared the primary caregiver, thus was more comfortable with the children ..and they, with her. Dad had different rules, and didn’t know the ones they practiced daily. He could be as loving as possible, yet still feel a distance he couldn’t understand or describe. We’re not wise old men when we’re struggling fathers..

These ‘other dads’ would often, though very reserved ..admit to me how awkward, or alienated they felt from their children, often stating something like, ‘I don’t know how you do that,’ ‘I could never do that with mine’... As if they were failures or incompetent … instead [of] men protecting and providing for their families..

It’s cultural, but changing. Smaller, better planned families, some with no children at all. I do know, it’s not anything lacking in men or boys - cuz I was both, and it worked ~