I have actually felt deep inner peace when I practiced my version of spirituality in the past. And I know that word means different things for different people.
I had just started what would be a ten year journey of abstinence from drugs except nicotine for about 18 months and caffeine, which I reduced. Then the need for pain medication after surgeries.
But I was also surrounded by a lot of what I thought were loving people who stepped in when I had no one.
Fast forward ten years later I come down with a debilitating life long, incurable pain condition which was unlivable without the use of pain medication and all of a sudden once again I find myself alone having lost any sense of my spirituality (which I consider at this time to be any hope in the universe (people, worldly circumstances, future positivity) whatsoever. Where at one time being in the same situation (minus the constant physical pain) I had a deep inner peace despite the fact that I had lost absolutely everything and everyone except my toddler daughter who is now 19 years old and in college.
Which is a result of having to play the game. We must maintain a level of conformity in order to guarantee what I believe to be basic human rights in this society....Food, water, a roof, clothes, education, and prospects for the future.
I met my current husband when I lost everything including my now ex-husband who was my daughter’s father 16 years ago.
I feel like I lost my current husband when I got ill and had to go on disability. He has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He became abusive and a poor parental model.
I suppose my question.....and I think I know what your answers will be.....am I hopeless because of what I would call my spiritual view.....or because I may need to get out of a marriage and surround myself with loving, non-judgemental people? And I’d probably give my faith another chance to find them.
My husband has always been an atheist and I will say the difference between our characteristics are fear of other people in some way shape or form, suspicion, and lack of unconditional motive.
He has referred to me as too friendly, naive, and putting too much trust in people. What I see is that I refuse to live in fear, I do have a brain in my head, and I have to be the change that I want see in the world.