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Are Intelligent People More Lonely?

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How do you share more of who you are? This question is directed at those who watched the entire 5-minute video, gaining context.

VictoriaNotes 9 June 2
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20 comments

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0

I write rhymes, some i put to music ?

1

My guess is intelligence is measured in both cultural knowledge and memorized abilities of the mind. ...not having pillow talk with a lover in our culture is achingly lonely. ...keeping my mind active in both dreams and learning is never solitary

2

My take on this is that the video is largely correct that there is a correlation between intelligence (not necessarily of the emotional variety) and loneliness. Art as a coping mechanism is something i can buy into. But i do think that as maturity progresses most of the people in the emotional intelligence category learn to express their gifts and become good communicators. It is a question of connecting with your audience, of bringing forward those aspects of yourself that make an impression, of not being afraid to bring forward your own stories and do so with universal appeal.

5

I think I understand the video. What I've come to understand is the fact that a great many emotionally traumatized people turn to art, music, writing, in order to have an avenue of expressing their deep feelings. As I'm sure you know, most families do not have a good structure in which each member can be vulnerable and express their feelings, ie.needs, in a safe supportive environment. This is why I've resorted to psychotherapy. I can not be vulnerable with my "family", my siblings and I were not raised in a "safe" (emotionally) environment. Presently, my sister's family are geographically the closest and the most aggravating, due to the "gremlins" passed down from my parents through my sister and her husband to her offspring. I'm the "black sheep" and looked upon as the "crazy" uncle, both due to my Agnosticism and my choice of using psychotherapy. I am very fortunate though to be able to lay my soul bare to a dear friend who appreciates, respects my comments to her about my feelings and the importance of her friendship in my life. I think THIS is what the video is about, honesty, expressing emotions, being genuine, vulnerability. Thank you, Victoria, another very thought provoking post!

I read a meme the other day that said: "If you find one true friend in your lifetime, consider yourself fortunate." You are indeed fortunate. ๐Ÿ™‚

I lost my 'good friend' last year when life became too much for her. (That didn't help my life-long sense of abandonment ?) but i still have the language. When i write 'you' in a song i mean 'me' ( though sometimes it takes me a long time to realise that). The ability to express an emotion is a life-saving skill. The ability to convey that emotion to others is a gift. May you live gifted lives ....?

3

I had to watch this animation twice in order to gain a perspective that i can write about with clarity. I have learned that authenticity or painful honesty are not considered desirable social graces. People who are inherently and highly introverted generally struggle with social graces but conversely are high on the intelligence scale on at least one topic or emotional intelligence for purposes of this conversation. I'm not sure that this video has all of the cause and effect captured properly but there is a clear correlation between intelligence and isolation. I think we can look at this the opposite way and say that highly introverted people are more comfortable being alone and consequently develop hobbies, and interests (reading and introspection) that are based on solitude as coping mechanisms. We have all heard terms like "It's lonely at the top" or "geeks are loners". I confess that I have been equal parts introvert and extrovert in the span of my life. During my introvert phase i spent tens of thousands of hours on reading, education, or practicing music. During that time I worked with many highly intelligent, introverted, and analytical people. Some were probably on the autistic spectrum. But over time as my music skills grew i was thrown into a social arena. So learning to socialize properly was an occupational requirement. Here are some of the things i learned on the path to becoming an extrovert. First and foremost an amateur will prepare until they get it right but a professional will prepare until they will never get it wrong. This is the key to rock solid confidence. Next in order to succeed in the social game one must learn to keep the conversation and topics lite on initial meeting of a potential friend or lover as well as a myriad of other social skills to include the subtle skill of modeling and recognizing body language as indicators. These skills are part of a set of knowledge that I'll call social intelligence. I won't bore you with any more details but the take away message here is the fact that Intelligence is necessary to cope with both isolation and being in the spotlight.

You didn't become an extrovert my friend you just learnt how to imitate one, as did i. ? Coping skills

1

I tend to gravitate toward friends and groups of people that are OK with talking about deeper issues. I don't get lonely very often, I'm quite joyful being alone. On the rare occasions that I do feel lonely, I realize that I'm believing my thoughts that I 'should' have a different life than what is. I hadn't felt lonely for several months till last Memorial Day weekend. I found myself thinking other people were probably surrounded by friends or family and were having a more fulfilling, joyful experience than I was.

My antedote for this feeling was that this was not necessarliy so and remembering how empty, frustrating and lonely it can feel even during holiday weekends when I was surrounded by friends and family. That's just my experience only. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I appreciate your comment and can relate to gravitating towards groups of people (or one-on-one) who are OK with talking about deeper issues, and like you, I don't get lonely very often.

1

I'm highly introspective, but I find the concept of emotional intelligence to be somewhat hard to nail down and don't know whether I'm very high in that category. But I'll make the assumption for the sake of argument that I'm among those the video describes, for the purpose of answering the question more fully.

First, am I lonely? Yes. No. Somewhat. Ugh, why is this so difficult?! Yes, I'm lonely. But the alternative is to spend more time with people, and I'm unsure that's an improvement for me. I've become accustomed to being alone, and I need a lot of solitude and quiet. That's at least partly a consequence of my extreme introversion (though I'm not especially shy, which I feel is too often conflated with introversion). So, I'm lonely but I need to be alone much of the time to function. And walling myself off a bit may have been a response to childhood ostracization, a coping mechanism of sorts.

I have been told that I am rather intimidating, which isn't my intent, but I come across as stoic and excessively serious. I tend not to smile unless I'm amused or making a special effort when meeting someone, but my default expression tends to be very serious and standoffish (resting asshole face, I guess). That wouldn't have a lot to do with emotional intelligence, but I also don't do well with idle chitchat, so I'm quiet in conversation, especially in groups, unless there's a good reason to speak up. Otherwise, I just have nothing to say or contribute. One-on-one, I can compensate a bit by asking the other person questions โ€” because most people enjoy that attention and the ability to talk about themselves โ€” and I can try to direct the conversation somewhat toward non-trivial matters.

As for finding comfort in art, I don't know that I feel that way. I appreciate art, and I enjoy artistic expression and creativity, but that doesn't seem quite like what the video was describing. It seems like any solo activity or hobby or interest could fill time and distract from loneliness.

What I do find, in regard to distracting from loneliness, is that anything that gets me out of my own head and away from the excessive focus on myself is beneficial. In particular, volunteering seems effective in that regard, especially if I can interact with people directly. It is social in some respect, it is focused on the needs of others, and I'm not dwelling on my own problems and depression and loneliness.

In terms of sharing who I am, well, written expression is probably the easiest way for me โ€” as I think this comment illustrates. I can talk about myself in person, too, but to do so at length feels awkwardly self-indulgent and the conversation seems unbalanced. In writing, I can put it all down, and more precisely choose how to say what I'm thinking, and you can decide to read or not, to skim or pore over my words, without me feeling like I'm capitalizing on your time or imposing myself upon you. I don't think it helps alleviate any feelings of loneliness, though maybe slightly helps with a sense of isolation.

I also have a self-deprecating sense of humor, which probably reveals and conceals at the same time. I also skate the edge of "appropriate" humor, though some people would say it's well over the line. Those people are wrong. Nobody is hurt by what I say, no matter how irreverent. I don't attack anyone personally (except myself) for the sake of a joke. When I do tease someone personally, it's someone I know well enough to know where what they find funny versus insulting, and my goal is always to make them laugh, not just those around them. The people who think I'm over the line are generally those who insist that things like sex can't be joked about โ€” scandalous! โ€” or take offense at anything that challenges their religious views or social mores, which I'm rather likely to joke about at some point.

Anyway, did I answer your question? I feel like, in this wall of text, I must have, even if by accident. But if I missed the mark, please let me know.

You didn't miss the mark at all. You wrote:

"In writing, I can put it all down, and more precisely choose how to say what I'm thinking, and you can decide to read or not, to skim or pore over my words, without me feeling like I'm capitalizing on your time or imposing myself upon you. I don't think it helps alleviate any feelings of loneliness, though maybe slightly helps with a sense of isolation."

I agree with what you said about writing. I am challenged with dyslexia, so I may struggle at times finding the right words to express myself, my thoughts.

Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote: "There is immeasurably more left inside than what comes out in words."

Maurice Maeterlinck wrote: "How strangely do we diminish a thing as soon as we try to express it in words!"

Nevertheless, it was through writing that I found my voice. Like you, I am not into idle chit-chat. If there's no depth, I zone out rather quickly. Thank you for sharing with such detail. This was meaty --- right up my alley.

1

Iโ€™ve never been afraid to have been called weird. I find it weird to conform to expectations. Whatโ€™s that saying? You laugh at me because Iโ€™m different, I laugh at you because youโ€™re all the same. Am I totally missing the point? These socio-behavioral videos yโ€™all post are often difficult for me to interpret. Similar to if I were to post a video discussing mineral composition and structure in the mantle and the changes when the material is transported to Earthโ€™s surface.

No, I think you got the point for the most part. How do you express who you are (aside from laughing at people for being conformist)?

@VictoriaNotes lol

@VictoriaNotes I think I dig up that which makes people uncomfortable, or at least unconventional ideas. It seems like when I get someone to leave that comfort zone, things get more real. They either run, shut down, or get to a more raw place in their mind. Maybe

1

I'm not, but then I'm dumb as a stream bottom rock.

So are you suggesting you lack emotional intelligence and outlets of creativity to express yourself? That's what the video is about.

@VictoriaNotes -- Yep, I's a total washout.

@evidentialist The BS meter just went off the scale. ๐Ÿ˜€

@VictoriaNotes -- Are you saying I've pushed it beyond all reasonable limit? ๐Ÿ™‚

@evidentialist Was that rhetorical? ?

2

I have grown more and more willing to buck up against "The fear of being weird" as he put it. I am much more able to speak my truth about things that I feel will be controversial to the listener, but are never-the-less the truth about who I am or who I have been. I used to make my story up according to who was listening and framed it in a way so as not to offend or draw too much attention. Now...I just say who I am and what I believe or think and the rest is their issue, not mine. With each new person I meet, there is less and less that I "hide" about myself no matter where the conversation goes....

"Now...I just say who I am and what I believe or think and the rest is their issue"

I can attest to that. It's a quality I admire the most about you and respect.

Doesnโ€™t a conversation have a goal beyond just revealing the personalities of those who converse? There seem to be many possible ways to think about this...

1

Eureka !!!!!... I am a freaking GENIUS !!

2

Maybe more aware of loneliness.

1

I believe so

1

I don't know.

I watched and I'm not lonely.

Bob, there's no need to delete this. I think establishing boundaries is one of the most authentic acts and so is standing by your words.

@VictoriaNotes it's TRUE then... you saw my deleted message. Geeze! Oh oh...lol.

@BucketlistBob Yep, I did. ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜€

@VictoriaNotes will you send it back to me? I have moments and I forget all I said.

@BucketlistBob I can't. You deleted it. ๐Ÿ˜€

@VictoriaNotes lol...I'm having an X-file moment.

0

ONLYif they use their intelligence to turn off others.

Can you elaborate?

Well, are they intelligent than?

@VictoriaNotes Aperson can have a large amount of knowledge and no social skills They tend to use this knowldge to let people know how smart they are. I have an acquaintance that must interject some piece of information in a conversation even if the comment has nothing to do with the subject. He remains an acquaintance to many and a friend of none.

@Marine Thanks for the elaboration. Did you watch the video?

2

Not necessarily more alone, but perhaps more comfortable being alone. At times I can feel alone surrounded by people, but can be perfectly content by myself or with other emotionally intelligent persons

Ditto.

2

What's intelligence?

Emotional intelligence does exist, which is what the video is about.

2

I have occasionally described myself as an artistic-scientist or renaissance man. I actually believe both art and science are an intellectual manifestation of the same thing: being truthful within and without which means not to self deceive. Ones that know me well, understand I occasionally need loneliness yet more superficial acquaintances see me as very extroverted. The duality is me and I am truthful to both. I can be read like an open book as much as I can be opaque. People open up to me very quickly IRL because I emanate something that I cannot control (meaning I can't manipulate people).

"Artistic-scientist"

I like that. One of the things that stood out in the video was this:

"Most of what is in our minds remains unfelt or unseen, troubling us only in the small hours. Insomnia is the revenge of all that we tried so hard not to notice in the daylight."

I used to have chronic insomnia when I was a Christian. After de-converting, it became rare.

@VictoriaNotes Insomnia comes and goes for me. I also will admit that I have episodes of light depression (not clinical but still dark). I hypothesized that these episodes are in fact a reactionary chemistry change in the brain because the mind is trying to resolve a conflict or problem. It sometimes reminds me of was is described in Sherlock Holmes novels.

@CrazyQuilter "Being nice just sucks sometimes. "

I couldn't agree more.

"Or maybe when they look inside they don't like what they see, so they stop looking."

Likely what they see is inauthenticity. I was raised in a culture that made it a virtue.

2

I have no argument with this whatsoever. I've been lucky to find some receptive people in my lifetime, but still had a need to express myself in writing and music.

I can relate.

2

I personally feel that the answer is yes. Iโ€™ve seen so many of my more intelligent friends single and shut off from the world than my less intelligent friends. Those friends tend to either always be searching for a relationship or settling for whatever. But my more intelligent friends tend to wait for something thatโ€™s closer to โ€˜perfectโ€™. Being 31 and single myself, I am also the one that my friends turn to when they have no clue whatโ€™s going on. Iโ€™m considered the smartest (or at least one of the smartest) person that a lot of my friends know.

Itโ€™s an interesting question though.

By smartest, are you meaning emotional intelligence?

@VictoriaNotes I mean the one with the highest IQ. Emotional intelligence, possibly. But I donโ€™t claim to know all the things that have happened in my circle of friends and acquaintances.

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