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I've decided that once my bankruptcy is finalized apply for disability. Even now I do it reluctantly and rather like a child trying eat their veggies. I don't want . I really passionately don't want .

It feels like admitting defeat. Like giving up on ever getting better. I watch my mom filing right now for it, and she seems so okay but she told me the truth is she feels the same. Like she's losing her potential.

If she gets on, and I get on, that will make 3 of the 4 of us on disability. That's such a low blow to me. My family and i, we just can't keep pretending to be normal and okay and self sufficient.

And myself, I needed to make a decision. I can work full time and part time, 60 hours a week, and mentally and physically run myself into the ground, destroying myself, or I can work part time and be mentally healthier.

The sad fact is I am mentally suffering, not just physically. Working so much, being in so much pain has made my anxiety off the scales. I'm very close to havING a mental breakdown and I just can't keep doing this.

I need to focus on my health and my life. Working so much has taken everything. I never see my friends, I never have the remaining energy or mental power to do what I need to do.

So I'll be retiring (in a sense) and focus on myself. Maybe I'll be able to get well enough some day. But right now, I can't keep doing this.

So, Raven I know you've been an amazing supporter and everyone else too, so I hope you'll worry a little less about me after this announcement.

LadyAlyxandrea 8 July 11
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0

I am on Disabilty. I am extremely grateful for it. I applied after my stroke. I didn't have the normal 2-years waiting period. My doctor made a very strong case, apparently. And this was back in the early 90s, so the regs were a little different. I hear things have gotten more difficult. I get nervous every time I come up for review but send them a list of my growing diagnoses and so far get a letter saying they decided to do the reasonable thing and allow me to remain on Disablity. But under the current admin I don't trust them to do the reasonable thing any longer, so here's hoping the next time I or any of us come up for review, there's been a regime chane!

BookDeath Level 8 Aug 1, 2018
2

I worked myself so hard that I did have a breakdown and it took 8 months of treatment to be able to bring down my anxiety and despair. I’m on disability now and it’s saved my life. Also filed bankruptcy so I could start clean. All of it has helped me so much.

Sydland Level 7 July 11, 2018

Yeah I had an emotional breakdown in my supervisors office today, full on snot sobs. It's definitely time

@LadyAlyxandrea I’m so sorry. Time to take care of yourself. PM me if you need to talk. ❤️

@Sydland I appreciate it

@LadyAlyxandrea I'm so sorry. I fully understand. You ever need an ear or a shoulder, PM me. When I'm not home sick, I tend to stay busy (working two political campaigns at the moment and other activist groups). But I do check my messages at night and at lunch (when able). I promise to get back to you as soon as possible.

2

I felt the same way and waited right up to the deadline I had to file. I still struggle with staying on it when I'm doing good. When I can't dress myself or walk without help its very easy to accept but when it eases up I feel like trying to fight it. When we are healthy we believe our will is so strong but if you lose it you realize just how fragile that will actually is.

JesseBoren Level 7 July 11, 2018
5

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You have to play the cards you've been dealt.

nvrnuff Level 8 July 11, 2018

Thanks

4

Good luck.

Alimacbean Level 7 July 11, 2018

Thank you

3

I know how hard it is to come to this decision. And you're right - you can still work - but a little less.

Really proud of how you're working it all out.

Hang in there!

RavenCT Level 9 July 11, 2018

Thanks. It's really for the best in the long run

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