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Bi-Viability.
First, let me say that as someone who comes across as a straight, cis hetero man, I know that there are bigger problems than what I’m about to mention. I live in NYC and for the most part, I don’t have any issues with being able to express myself or date whom I’d like. What I have come across is some very specific biphobia online. One of the latest was a Facebook post wherein a woman posted that she would never date a bisexual man. When people responded to how that was biphobic, there was all of this crap thrown back about “you can’t guilt someone into dating you.” “This is about my preference.” "I don't want a man who has had sex with men." After a bit of back and forth with a few people about this — without outing myself — I argued that if we are against “slut-shaming” then not dating someone based on their sexual history makes you a hypocrite. Furthermore, we could literally fill the library on 5th Avenue in midtown with stories of how straight men cheat on women for other women, since the other complaint was somehow that bisexuals can’t possibly be monogamous. I’m more sexually bisexual than biromantic, but I’m wondering if anyone’s face this kind of special bigotry and what, if anything you’ve said/done about it. I haven’t been truly adversely affected, because if I met someone who didn’t want to date me for who I am, I’m not interested in convincing them. I only argued with some people online, but it was mainly women who express this kind of issue so I found that curious.

Olnoseven 7 Sep 28
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1

There is a lot of bias against guys being bi, from "the straight" crowd as well as "the gay" crowd. Bi Males are viewed as "closet gay" or a guy can't make up his mind. Its a double standard as bi women are usually more accepted. Romantic involvement is something that is an individual desire. For me there is no romantic desire ... Just a sexual one...the romantic feelings I only feel for women. And there in lies the the key for my fulfillment...I have to have a partner who is also bi so that she completely understands me and I her...I have been lucky to have two women in my life that fulfilled my desires and needs and I theirs...when you find something like that ... It is a whole new ballgame. Society I do not think will ever be fully accepting as long as we have Religion trying to run everyones lives. Ironically their treasure trove of sexual deviance can be incredibly sick and twisted "roll the inquisition tape" and let us not forget "populating and repopulating" the earth TWICE using incest...and they want to judge US ?
It is a subject that unfortunately is still taboo and looked at with disdain. Someone a long time ago made a statement " close your eyes ... Now ... Does it really matter ? It is all about whether or not one can accept the fact that when it comes to sex...IT IS A PRIMAL INSTINCT...sex is needed to continue the human race...or we perish...it developed through evolutionary process to also be very stimulating, fun, erotic, and romantic. Once the survival of species side of it is satisfied we still have the fun, erotic, romantic and stimulating...so we enjoy as we may and take pleasure in each other in whatever satisfies us as individuals as long as everyone is on the same page...there are more than two pages that can be looked at and each is just as valid as the next.
We don't live in a perfect world but we have the right to make our own individual microcosm as we see fit without judgement from people who are narrow minded robots ...

2

I agree with Artoa's comment that this issue definitely tends to get aimed at bi men far more than bi women. I think the sex-prejudiced assumption is that men are generally more permiscuous than women, and therefore, by extension, any man attracted to more than one gender has that much more likelihood of cheating, while women supposedly don't. Add to that the assumption that bi men CAN'T be monogamous. It adds up to dismissive, ugly judgment. Slut shaming, indeed.
I agree also that we are all entitled to be attracted to whom we are attracted to. That Can't be dictated by others. What is aggravating about the woman you described is not merely her stating her preference, but also her disapproving tone and implication that no one....or at least no woman....in her right mind should go anywhere near a bi man. That is obviously insulting.

@PalacinkyPDX ? I am one of those men who illustrates that social idea you pointed out (of being "on the way" to acknowledging simply being gay). I initially recognized my same-sex attraction as young as 8 or 9. Terrified of the social/religious implications, I mostly avoided dating throughout my teens. Didn't actually get sexually involved with another person until late in college, age 21, with my best friend at the time, the woman I later married. I had told myself that the fact I enjoyed the physical intimacy with her meant I was "straight enough," and I felt tremendous relief that I did not "have to be" gay. I talked to her before marriage about identifying as bi oriented but wanting monogamy. We stayed married 25 years. We were both gradually less satisfied with the fact that I was not feeling sexual fulfillment in that arrangement. I identify now as gay, but I still recognize that I am not completely homosexually oriented. I joke that I am a "70/30" gay. I could alternately call myself "mostly gay." In reality, I really am bi oriented, but want mostly male physical intimacy (at least at this point in my life and, I believe, probably the rest of my sexual life.)

The fact is that sexual identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. They merely overlap to a greater or lesser degree. Our culture and it's sexual hangups have most of us stuck in the belief that sex is a metaphorical ball game, and we are either on one team or the other, rather than the reality that sexuality is a multitude of continuums. So when a guy says he's bi many assume he's just between teams. When a gal says the same, they assume "well....girls aren't even serious about sports(or sex) so they don't need to be on a team anyway!" (I guess if you are trans, the assumption is you even more out in the bleachers and don't count, either)

3

in my experience, biphobia is heavily based on sexism. some women and men will object to a bisexual male, but are okay with bisexual women. for some men, this may play into fantasy sex, the idea they can keep two or more women happy at the same time. i have met men that simply will not acknowledge a woman's desire and identity for same sex relationships, they are just women who haven't met the right man. most "lesbian porn" is for the cis male gaze. i think the biphobic women are threatened by bisexual men, as most i've come across are highly critical of themselves and other women for other non sexual reasons as well, so the idea that they have to compete with women and men for their affection is a brutal contest. but like the others said, bigotry is never easy to unlearn and it's just best to seek out the company of those that aren't.

Arttoa Level 5 Sep 28, 2018
4

The reality is, you're both right.

  1. To absolutely rule out the possibility of ever being attracted to and willing to date someone who is bisexual, is a form of biphobia.

  2. When it comes to who you have sex with, you can be as bigoted as you like. The only thing that matters is freely given consent, and consent out of a sense of obligation or political correctness is not freely given.

So while you're right to challenge it, ultimately you have to accept it. Bisexuality will be a deal breaker for some partners, both homosexual and heterosexual. Refusing to have sex with someone is totally different to refusing to bake them a cake or make them a pizza.

Yes, I completely accept it and you make some excellent points. I merely think that it's important to hold up a reflection to people to show them that their biases are real. It's like all the white people who are more mad about being called a racist than they are about actual racism. Know thyself and thy bigotry. Who knows? Maybe if more people owned their "phobias" they'd develop and change. Not that I'm waiting for them though. They're way too many sexy people who are fine with us as we are.

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