Lost my adult son and have had long stretches of prickly-ness in my relationship with my daughter too but had a pretty intact and functional family of origin, and a great father. Sorry for your loss -- not just your son but the loss of the sort of childhood any child deserves to have.

On the other hand I'm acquainted with a LOT of family dysfunction coming from my wife's side of things so I have a better idea than you'd imagine of what a very sad and conflicted time father's and mother's day and birthdays can be. You're definitely not alone.

Some of us had less than ideal families. I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your son - I, too, have dead children. My only advice is: pamper yourself all week for being a survivor - you deserve it.