Catholicism
If shit happens you shouldn't have used a condom

Church of England
If shit happens you need to define what shit is first, nothing is just black and white

Church of Scotland
If shit happens it's some woman's fault

Church of Ireland
If shit happens it's some English man's fault

Baptist
If shit happens it's because god hates you

Southern baptist
If shit happens it's because god really hates you

Westboro baptist
If shit happens it's because god hates fags

Spiritualist
If shit happens it's an evil spirit, or a demon

Quaker
If shit happens sit quietly and it will go away, or you'll die, either way it will stop

Methodist
If shit happens it's all part of the greater plan.

Seventh day Adventist
If shit happens it's your fault for having the wrong Sabbath

Televangelist
If shit happens it is because you didn't send me enough money

Mormon
If shit happens pay more tithing

Jehovah's Witness
If shit happens that's nothing the world is about to end

Scientologist
If shit happens watch a Tom Cruise movie