yes, i know, it's definitely tiring, & it doesn't feel healthy either. i wish you well with getting a grasp on your fears.

it is clearly something psychologically unhinged - appears to me like a multiple sociopathic disorder (without trying to label it professionally - i'm not an expert). very unsettling, & near impossible to respond with the outlook to improve an understanding. this is a trying episode in my life, that i will be glad to be leaving behind soon.

thank you for your kind & wise words, Marionville ?
i will certainly stay in touch with y'all. wouldn't want to miss this community for my life - especially at this challenging point in my life

when i realized that i don't get through to him with verbal communication i just stopped talking. this is easy for me; i can keep a peaceful silence, on my own or with a companion, a house mate, a co-meditator, whatever, for a long time, but he seemed to be very uncomfortable with it & kept needling me, though never when others were around, only one on one. there comes a point when the experience becomes so intense that a part of me wants to scream, but my core being is just not with it. i can't betray myself, just to teach an asshole respect & kindness. gotta turn my back on that misery.

@walklightly Maybe it's a seige Operation. Maybe the next wave of rationality will breach his wall. Happy trails to you.

thank you, Dave. i'll give it all my heart.

actually another fortnight to go until i'm all prepared for living under the big blue australian sky, but i'm really looking forward to it. my nerves are frayed, but hopefully i won't let that out on the snakes, screaming at their sight

@walklightly Oh I bet you are counting the days/hours/minutes. I can imagine just how you must be feeling walking around on egg shells, trying to get through the next few days. Take care of yourself though.
I am sure you will give the snakes a run for their money

@Mofferatu, i kind of got used to them after 18 years in australia, reckoning i get on with nearly all critters, with the exception of all the bloodsuckers. ha, of which the "landlady" is one! ?

@walklightly Oh you are good. I am not great with snakes - both the reptiles and the human snakes! Haha.
Thankfully, I am well sheltered here from anything that may want to shorten my lifespan in some way, except for humans. lol

@Mofferatu, just had to sneak a peek into your profile re location - well, yes, aotearoa doesn't have the slithering critters as such, good for you. i wouldn't miss them either, but i get it that they don't really want anything with me ... until i stagger into their path & step on them. learned to be very observant. which isn't much help with the human ones - i'd rather call those leeches really ?

@walklightly Haha that would be being unkind to the leeches. At least leeches seem to still have some use with their hirudin. I know what you mean though. They need you, cling to you, and suck the lifeblood out of you!
BTW, I really like how you talk about owning your own experience with responsibility and love. Very wise.

oh, thank you, @Mofferatu! i learned to live my experience the only acceptable way because everything else just leads to endless repetitions, pain & frustration. granted, my current situation is quite painful, but i discovered my mistake & will certainly not repeat it. that's why i take a break from being a tenant to anyone for a while. ah, & snakes have their use too: great rat-terminators.

@walklightly "Rat-terminators!" haha, that they are.
We all make mistakes, even ones that lead to misery for a while. Sometimes life just throws crap (challenges is a more polite word, I guess) in our way too. It sux that you are going through painful times right now. I see that you've been through your share of stuff too. *hugs

@Mofferatu, you are very kind; that makes up for a lot of crap good night to you now, friend.

there is significant homelessness in the area i live - & would like to stay, but at least i have a car, so i can follow the dry weather, & summer is approaching fast. i feel fortunate to be able to live like a drifter, a hobo, you know? Jack London: the road... for a while. not forever.

@walklightly I wish you the best, and hope we don't lose communication with you.

@EdEarl, thank you! yes, i'll do my utmost to keep in touch - wouldn't want to miss y'all ?

@walklightly So you are going on a rideabout. I hope it is a good adventure.

@EdEarl, yes, the australian indigenous people call it walkabout - very similar. i have a bit experience in australia from half a lifetime ago, when i travelled on a mountainbike. yep, i used to be a bit nuts, self-challenging.

@walklightly Good for you. I once hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, which wasn't a big challenge, but one also must hike out, a mile straight up on a good trail, but hard work. I didn't know about mountain bikes at the time.

@EdEarl, i love hiking; it is very liberating for my mind. the mountainbike i brought all the way from germany via bali to australia on the plane was one of the first models. on bali we used to be surrounded by the impressed locals who'd never seen that style of bike ?

@walklightly Jack Kerouac made a writing career of being "On the Road." You have a fluent writing style. I hope you meet interesting people, keep us posted, and publish a book.

@EdEarl, ha! now that would be something: publishing a roadside guide about my second home australia, in my second language ?

@walklightly Why second language?

@EdEarl, i was born & raised in germany

@walklightly Sorry, why not write in German?

@EdEarl, i'm living in australia since 2001, got pretty much used to the english lingo, & more people are familiar with english anyway.

@walklightly OK when can we expect to read about your adventures?

@EdEarl, if you rush me it's gonna be issued in gibberish

@walklightly LOL