Did your mother know ? Did she see her b/f beat you ? Did you tell her about it ?

Please find a counselor to talk to. Forgiving and letting go is not about letting the abuser off the hook. It's about you acknowledging the pain and the damage, working through it, and relieving YOURSELF of the burden. Many of us have been there.

I agree that you need to be kind to yourself. Your suffering was not your fault, not one bit, none of it. As for forgiving your mother, simply don't allow filial guilt to make you do it. If you never do forgive, so be it, your reasons are valid. I would add my vote to seeking out professional help. Whether it be individual or group therapy, either, depending on the person, can be helpful. There is nothing wrong with sharing on an open and annonomous forum either. For depression, I have used depression. com. I still, also, see someone on occasion. Time is a good healer, but it can be a long, slow process with setbacks. I wish you the best. Please, take care of yourself. You are an important life.

Please be kind to yourself. The abuse you suffered was not your fault. Your feelings are understandable.

This week, did you hear the National Public Radio interview with a psychologist who wrote a new book on grieving?

She said the Elisabeth Kubler Ross theory on grieving does us a disservice. Kubler Ross described five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

This implies that grief ends. It does not. Grieving is a lifelong process.

My father died on December 20 and was buried on December 23. Christmas brings up feelings of anger, hurt and grief about my critical, alcoholic father.

This year, I have been criticizing myself: "You should be over it by now. For heaven's sakes, haven't you grown past this?"

Of course, my self-criticism comes from my critical father.

"Be kind to the five year-old girl inside you," a man said recently. He was right.

Be kind to yourself.

Enraged is my word of choice. So sorry you went through that.