Years ago I was attracted to the 'big' personality -- the guy with the crowd around him at a party, getting admiring looks from all. Now I realize that's often a symptom of narcissism and I don't want that. I now want a kind, honest, smart man who listens and thinks.

Kindness to animals as well as people. Secure in their own skin. Knows how to have fun. Stays positive. Most importantly, to me though, is NON- LAZINESS!!! I love an active lifestyle.

Consistency.

Flexibility.

I really haven't dated much... So not too much for comparison... I'm not even thirty yet... I like men who are athletic, have a sense of humor, are responsible.... Etc, etc...

I think I have figured out that people are way too complex to assume that because they want to talk all night on the phone or have sex or contemplate a life together or are smart or interesting or even kind, that you have hit the jackpot. It is well nigh impossible to determine if a person will continue to check even those boxes, much less others that might (come to) matter to you. It can take months or even years to figure out what they are keeping from you (and, quite possibly, from themselves). There is always the distinct possibility that illness or age will completely change their personality. And it cuts both ways ... there's no way to guarantee the other person isn't going to decide you're not so great after all.

Given this, I'm not sure all this tea leaf-reading about what we've learned to pay attention to now vs 10 years ago really matters to the enterprise of finding someone to spend the rest of your days with without significant hassle or uncertainty or unwanted drama.

I've come to the conclusion it's a crapshoot that you can only influence in very broad terms. It's like buying a car in that you can certainly help matters by not doing something utterly dumb like buy a car without wheels or that was mangled in an accident, but it could still prove to be a lemon and there's no absolute way to guarantee that won't happen. In the other direction, a car can be a bit banged up and still be incredibly dependable and functional and low maintenance.

And sure it helps a ton if both people are disciplined, loyal, true, and constant in their dedication to and investment in the relationship. But that's a big "IF" that it's both true and both people define those terms the same, using the same "love language" and so forth. On top of all this, if you both grow, you have to be sure not to grow apart.

Some would say that lifetime relationships are not what you should even shoot for, but I don't know how to feel secure in a relationship that could end at any time for any reason, beyond simple mortality, which is problematic enough. I don't know how to be that unattached.

It hasn't changed. I still want someone with intelligence, humor, compassion, and similar sex drive, kinks, interests, hobbies, and ideology.

Honestly, the only thing that has changed is that I now know I deserve a woman like that.

It has been and always will be about chemistry for me. If it is based on other things it won't last.