What do you do if someone is running hot and cold? You're getting to know someone, you have great times together and wonderful correspondence and conversations, and then distance, vagueness, and silence, and it goes back and forth this way. And it's not like you're pushing anything, it's been a slow and nice pace from the start, but you're starting to notice an uncomfortable inconsistency. Do you call them on it? Do you give them space? I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.
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First, have you agreed to see each other exclusively?
Next, how long have you been together? Do you know all the variables in his life? (Kids, work commitments, family, etc.?)
If you are simply casually dating, then, as others have said, open a dialogue about it. Ask.
On the flip side, if you are dating exclusively, having sex and consider yourself to be in relationship (let's say for three months or longer), and you already know his family, work, etc. commitments, then that changes how I would handle the situation.
Assuming you think of yourself to be dating exclusively or "in a relationship," if I were in your shoes, I would say and do this "In so many ways, you are a wonderful person. However, I've come to the decision that we are not a match after all."
Then I would cease contact and move on. Life is short. Too short to waste time on a mis-match. When a person tells or shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. Trust them. You cannot change people.
To me, biology is simple and it's something I trust. When a person is really INTO another person, what you described does NOT happen. A person who is INTO another person, does NOT want "space." (Notwithstanding most humans' need for personal time alone.)
If you are exclusive and consider yourself to be in a relationship with this person, these are my two humble suggestions for you - separate of what you say to the other person.
First – Remember to never make somebody your priority when you are but an option. (Stolen from a quote/meme.)
Next -- Read the book "He's just not that into you." Sex (gender) doesn't matter. Into girls? Substitute the pronouns. I don't care if the book is perfect. I don't care whether the authors are doctors or therapists or anything. The message is simple, straightforward and told with frankness and a bit of humor. And, it is accurate. And, every time you are in this situation where you are left wondering what they are thinking, what they are feeling, what their intentions are, why you haven't seen them or heard from them or gone out on a date with them or had sex with them -- read the book again.
BlueWave
Level 8
Mar 6, 2018
1
When I have dating questions, Blue, I'm coming to you. (oh cute...Bleu and Blue).
There are several possibilities. 1) This person has a deep-seated fear of committment and is subconciously sabotaging the relationship when things start getting too close. 2) This person is a control freak and is using hot/cold as a tactic to control the relationship, or possibly 3) you have slipped into their "friend" zone and they're not emotionally mature enough to effectively communicate this. Or possibly some combination of these, or maybe something else entirely. How's that for a clear, concise and definitive? 
Seriously, there are any number of possibilities. You need to communicate with them. Don't be afraid to bring it up. Focus on how you feel...don't be accusative or make them feel like they've done something wrong. At the same time, don't let them make you feel like you're somehow wrong to feel the way you feel. You have every right to your feelings. If there's really something there with this relationship, then you'll come out the other side of this conversation in a better place. And if not, then best to have it done and over.
jasii100
Level 4
Mar 6, 2018
2
They are stringing you along, keeping you on their hook incase their other plans fall through.
polyananda
Level 5
Mar 6, 2018
2
Call them on it? No. Discuss it and how you are confused and don't know what's going on. Perhaps they, like me, need space every now and again to recharge. May be they're bi-polar. Maybe it's something else. If you want to know, ask. Don't ever assume.
LimeySteve
Level 7
Mar 6, 2018
2
One person's hot and cold is another's natural ebb and flow of activity and contact. Different people have different needs emotionally, socially, physically and in other ways. Is the person in question really having problematic behavior, or is it that it isn't a good match for you?
Still, communication is key. I tend to be one of those people who is accused be being hot and cold sometimes, and the accusations start making me feel like withdrawing, and even eventaully brreaking off a relationship, where someone reaching out and asking what is going on, so I can then communicate things that I didn't think to communicate because, in my mind, my behavior is perfectly normal, can be all that is needed. That is, of course, assuming that the one doing the asking in that scenario is secure enough and cares enough to ask in a way that isn't accusatory.
"You're hot and cold and I don't know what to make of it. Why are you so insensitive?" comes across as insensitive and accusatory, where "Hey I notice you seem to get close and then pull away. Is everything OK with you/us? Is there something I can do to help?" comes from a place of sensitivity and doesn't put me on the defensive.
On the other hand, I am not blind to the fact that it could be a red flag that you're dating someone who is up to no good. I get it, and that is why I appreciate seeing someone who is constructively seeking the good rather than assuming the worst without asking first.
Meep70
Level 7
Mar 6, 2018
0
Very true, everyone has a different vibe. Still trying to feel ours out.
Always speak up for your needs in relationship. Sometimes your "need" is just to know what's going on.
Pay particular attention to how they respond. Not so much what they do or say, but how they look and sound, tone, non-verbals, etc. If you state your need and that you expect it to be met and they respond with anything other than openness to hear you out and willingness to work toward satisfying your need, that is a huge red flag. If you doubt the truthfulness of the response, red flag. If you ask someone to examine their feelings for you and they get angry at the request, run--don't walk--away. Maybe they can't give you an answer--but they should at least be respectful enough to say something like "I don't know what's bothering me" or "I can't talk about it right now."
stinkeye_a
Level 8
Mar 6, 2018
4
Well stated.
there is probably something up so i would ask
LeighShelton
Level 8
Mar 6, 2018
0
Bleu, you can call them on it or you can give them space, but, life's too short for running hot and cold. I hope you invest your time and energy in caring for yourself, instead. This love interest might not be worth the time...at least not now. Hugs!
crazycurlz
Level 7
Mar 6, 2018
3
Yeah, I'm doing that, investing my time and energy in myself, and it helps. I know I need to pull back because I can get anxious, and that's no good.
@bleurowz me, too (both things, actually...investing my time and energy in myself AND learning to pull back when I get anxious). Sounds like you got this...
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