I’m at my wife’s bedside. Whenever I’m in town, I stop and check in; on the way home from work, gym, etc.; she is almost always sleeping. I don’t expect any more than that, and from here on out she will get even less responsive. This is as I expect, and simply part of “maintaining the vigil”, for lack of a better term.
I was in a meeting last night. There were two women there that captivated my attention, though I tried to hide it. This happens with me all the time. Dawn has been pretty much incapacitated since late 2013, leading up to her diagnosis and subsequent resection surgery and the CSF craniotomies that followed, but we were together at home and keeping my head there was far easier than it is today. I continue to service her needs as I can ( laundry, toiletries, etc) but the dissonance in my life is constant. I constantly crave the attention, the touch, the scent, the taste, of women in my life. Some guys would tell me “get a hooker”; but not my thing. I prefer any woman I’m with( for any reason) to actually want to be with me at least for the moment. I also prefer to live honestly, and therefore always let new women I meet know about my wife.
When I was younger, a FWB was actually quite easy to find, and several that I knew at that time would probably be more than happy to play today. I no longer even know any of them, and at my age now, at least in my current limited social circle, there are no friends like that. So, I bitch mostly privately to myself, sometimes feel a little guilty, but not much. My desires are real and reasonable. I wouldn’t want her going through this over me if it was me lying there in that hospital bed, and frankly she wouldn’t want it for me either. We both deeply loved each other, but were also pragmatic.
Anyway, enough of this. I’ve work to do at home. Hope I’m not trying anyone’s patience here.