I was an evangelical for 30 years. 10 years in the worship band I helped start, and that I carried on my back, eventhough half the congregation did not want us playing.
I taught sunday school for 5 years, preached and gave bible study in front of congregation about 5 or 6 times eventhoughI didn't believe 50% of what I was saying and nobody ever picked up on my progressive interpretations.
My last year there we took some classes on churchs' health and effectivness. I translated the course material to spanish, so I new the material very well before the class started. A the end of the course we had to evaluate our church. We had to put a dot where tought our church health was. It was 4 categories: healthy, somewhat healthy, sick, and dead. The church leaders all put their dots on the healthy square. Everyone else was on the somewhat healthy square. Each time they put the dot on the dry erase board, they had to go stand in a corner of the room that represented each square. I was the last one to go and place my dot. I pick up a marker, take off the lid, and walk behind the tripod that's holding the dry erase board, and place a dot on the back of the board. I put the lid on the marker, placed on the ledge, and walked to the opposite corner of the healthy group. I stood there alone next to the doors, and everyone else looking at me with shit eating grins on thier faces. At the end of the class when people were leaving, the pastor who had been there 5 years, walks over to me and says, "thank you for being the only one to say the truth".
I left several months later, I was 27. I always had the lingering thought that one day I wasn't gonna believe anymore.
I am 32 now, and I've been an athiest since last summer. I have never felt so peaceful, content, accomplished, fearless, better about my these past months than I have before. I still have nightmares of being back there.
These past couple of days I have felt the emotional toll of being a secret athiest. At home and at work I just keep quiet about my non faith.
I feel like an island, and the only person there is me. I'm afraid that if get any more isolated, I might get on a boat, and sail to where the masses are.