Are you a good Candidate to become a Mormon?

Answer the following questions honestly

1. Do you believe the ancient Jews are the ancestors of modern plains Indians, who sailed from Israel in wooden submarines using a magic compass and glowing rocks and then mistook Tapirs for horses?
2. Do you believe a convicted 19th century conman should be believed when he gives you 9 different accounts of how “god” wanted him to restore the one true church to the earth when he was 14?
3. Do you believe that said 19th century conman could translate a missing book of gold plates from reformed Egyptian in to 16th century English by putting a rock in his hat and staring at it?
4. Do you believe “god” is an alien living on an unnamed planet orbiting the star Kolob at the centre of the universe?
5. Do you believe Kane from the book of genesis is still alive today wandering the American mid-west pretending to be Bigfoot?
6. Do you believe moon people who look and dress like Quakers are watching over us from the moon on behalf of “god”?
7. Do you believe the entire American civil rites movement was a commie plot designed to undermine Jesus' return to the USA where he will establish a world theocratic government in Kirtland Ohio, which is incidental the site of the original Garden of Eden?
8. Do you believe the Devil has dominion over water so you must never ever go swimming?
9. Do you believe modern day prophets who do not make actual prophesies, but who wildly disagree with one another, call each others teachings abominations still yet prove by their actions, that “god" is eternal and constant?
10. Do you believe women are inherently inferior to men, must never show their shoulders for fear of enticing men to rape, and are yet still both sweet sisters and the whore of Babylon who should happily marry gay men in order to cure them?
11. Do you believe in not drinking, tea coffee, alcohol or Coke a cola (You can drink Pepsi cola though because the church part owns that),
12. Do you believe in giving ten percent of your money and time free to the church, so you can go to a “Temple” and learn the secret passwords and funny handshakes that will allow you in to the highest of the three heavens after you die?

If you answered YES to any of the above the LDS wants to hear from you, you are just the sort of gullible, I mean open minded person we want to become a fellow Moron ahem Mormon