What Am I?

Does a belief in Karma require the existence of a higher power? Does the belief that the universe experiences all, therefore knows all and balances all mean I am not an atheist? I believe there is a force at work that cannot be cheated or denied, yet that it is not sentient and as such cannot bear us good will or kindness. It cannot be worshiped or praised anymore than gravity. I feel like I am a spiritual atheist. There is a difference between the physicist with a telescope and the child who stares at stars in simple wonderment, trying to count them all. There is a difference between the 2 little kids mixing random chemicals in my aunts kitchen when she ran out to the store hoping for something cool to happen and the chemist in the lab. Yet there isn't. I have faith. I have great faith that the universe will unfold as it will and therefore as it must and therefore everything will be okay. I do not need some conscious power to have planned it out.

When I become a parent, I know there will come a day when my child will go off to school or work or something else and will not look back over his shoulder to see me. I hope to know in that moment that it is not an insult and to feel nothing but pride. Today, I am that child. There are many more "children" in this same place. I step forward with pride to try and live my life on my own. I know that if I need him, he will be there. I know that even if I don't need him, he will do little things in his power to help. I know that one day, he may not be there and I will have a child of my own to send off.

When I become a grandparent, I know there is a day that my child will send off his child as I did mine. I know that when that day comes it will be hard for my child to bear. I know that later, he will know the pride I know in him. I will try to help him through it so that they can both reach greater heights than they've ever known.

Why would a conscious and loving God begrudge us this? Why would he hate us if we explored and ventured through his creation? I don't think this departure from God needs to be hostile and rebellious. Perhaps we are growing up just as he intended and he is proud that we are understanding his creation more deeply. Perhaps he's letting us take our first steps and is there to comfort us when we fall and telling us to get back up on our feet. Perhaps we're the teenagers that "hate our parents" but they know better and don't hate us for saying it.

I do know one thing. When I am a parent I would be sad if my child didn't test all his limits. I would be sad if he never learned to live without me. I would be sad if he never learned to take care of himself. I would be sad when he hated me.

I would be happy though, the day he stood on his own feet and saw the world as his to experience and love and change and ...

[[I wrote this long ago when I was truly agnostic and stumbled across it this morning and thought it may be appreciated here]]