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I'm not sure where to put this, so I'm opting for politics. Office politics, that is.

I don't like confrontation, but I think I'm going to have to have a hard conversation with my boss. It's well known that he doesn't have the best communication skills, but it really bothers me that he can talk to practically anyone around me about just about anything, but he never talks to me unless he has to. He avoids eye contact. He called me this morning to ask me to come in 45 minutes early, as we were short staffed. I told him I'd do my best, but probably wouldn't make it by the time he requested. I was five minutes early. Not so much as a thank you. When I have a problem and need a manager, he always claims he can't hear what I'm saying, even though everyone around him can. I've never called off sick, and in a year and a half, I've been late three times for a combined eight minutes, I never leave until the job is done, I've gotten exactly one complaint and dozens upon dozens of glowing reviews.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Nottheonlyone 7 Apr 27
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11 comments

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1

I don't screw about now .. Maybe put your points in writing .. that makes it official .. If you think he is being antagonistic call a meeting with him and record it using a dictaphone or androids built in recorder / iphone on phone.

See how he plays it once you have recorded the outcome and if the play out matches the wording.

It is not illegal to record without consent - but it may not stand up in court. That goes for phones or anywhere in th Uk at least..

I would, if you can stand it stand up to him. As long as you cover yourself he cannot push you out without then causing himself a constructive dismissal case.

So either move on or record him ..

putting things in writing makes them official .. sending that by email records a time and date stamp of your communication.. Sort of leaving your own data tail as proof of events ..

Even make a diary of his oddness.. When you have it all in a diary after a month or two you may find it changes your mind viewing it that way... All worthwhile considerations depending on how far you want to take it.

The other option as someone said below is maybe he just gets intimidated by you for some reason ? Ask about promotion ??

1

Look into a transfer?

A nice thought, but that would mean selling my house and moving. Much easier to just find another job.

@Nottheonlyone oh, what a shame 😟 sorry to hear that.

2

Sounds like boilerplate male fragility bookended with insecurity. You might have to make the first move. Are you familiar with “the formula for a difficult conversation”?

No, but I've made several first moves. Talked to his assistant today about it, too. I'm not comfortable approaching him at this point.

@Nottheonlyone I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that.

@Telegramsam70 It's okay, I'll be moving along soon enough.

1

If you are that uncomfortable you should be looking for another job while you are employed. Better now than when you are let go or have to endure this job until a new boss is made.

I won't be let go. I've given them zero reasons to fire me.

1

Why do you think he treats you differently?

I have no idea. It's not just me, but I think it's more me than anyone else.

@Nottheonlyone Have you asked him? I have noticed that people tend to make judgments about other people, usually subconsciously, that are not based on who you really are.

@DeityfreeRo He's admitted to not being a good communicator, but I learned this afternoon that he never even talked to his assistant about possibly changing my schedule to help me achieve work-life balance. I'm feeling completely unappreciated, ignored, and, not to be redundant, unappreciated. Have I mentioned that I feel unappreciated?

1

I'd cry in pain. Women's shoes are torture devices.

I know you are "supposed" to confront the issue. I was recently in a similar spot, where someone was obviously cold to me and I couldn't figure out why. I just let it go and it went away, for whatever reason.

But since this is from the beginning ... Does he treat all employees this way?

No, but I don't think I am the only one. Just like my name.

He sounds like a woozle.

@phil21 He is, and I'm not even sure what that means.

3

I'm with IamNobody. I think that is a likely cause of his strange behavior.

6

@Nottheonlyone You now I am going to speak my mind, right? (Even though when many times I have been wrong, rather say what I think).... I would say that he not only likes you (a lot), it seems to me he is intimidated by you. So he is afraid and frustrated because clearly doesn't know how to deal with the situation. Therefore the "weird" behavior.... So don't be so hard on this poor son of a gun, if anything you should feel sorry for him..... So, am I way off?

I can only hope so. Eww...

@Nottheonlyone Ha ha ha Eww tells me you may have considered the possibility. I didn't say that you have to like him.... All I am saying is, if this is the case and you know and he is probably oblivious of his own behavior then you can use this to your advantage or at least to get rid of stress you don't need, knowing that he doesn't have anything against you per say..... Anyway, as always I've talked too much. I'll leave you alone now.... Happy Friday !! ?

@Nottheonlyone I hate to say it, but I think this is most likely correct. It the first thing that came to mind after reading your post; this guy likes you. The second thing that he's intimidated, but that might be mostly work-related. Are you management material, so to speak? Maybe he thinks so.

@bingst I've been in management before, but not with this company. And his boss approached me about taking on a small role in management so the actual managers can have a little bit taken off their plates. But it's never come up again.

@Nottheonlyone He may be testing your reaction for a promotion .. you never know ...

@Nickbeee Sadly, the only "promotion" available is in getting a better schedule. And he lied to me about having that conversation with his assistant. I'm afraid moving on is probably my best course of action.

2

Question I have first is; is there some event that brought their behavior on? Is he left handed?

I'm currently reading a book for work called "Lean In" by Cheryl Sandberg. One of the things that she has emphasized has been the need to honest communication. One of the things she recommends is to use "I" statements. In your case you may choose to start with I feel that as if I have done something ......
It helps prevent hurt feelings and let's them know that you want to help fin something that helps both of you.

If you are a soft spoken type, you may need to learn ho to raise your voice just a bit so that he can hear you or find someone to serve as a amplifier for you, lol.

But I do recommend discussing the matter and if needed find a way that works for both of you.

No, he's always been this way.

2

Have the conversation, you can't know how to deal with the issue until you find out what it is.

I have. He doesn't think there is one.

@Nottheonlyone oh dear, typical plonker!

2

That’s frustrating, and sounds like it’s painful to you as well. I’m sorry for that.
What I would do (as an INFJ, I overthink things), first ask myself: how do I feel. Hurt, angry, that he disapproves of me/work, whatever I felt. Then ask myself—is there hard evidence that he behaves in a manner to purposefully cause this damage? If there is, you might benefit from learning about toxic/high conflict personalities. There are many out there, and have suggestions for dealing with it/confronting them.
Question: does he seem to try to cause you problems, or is he oblivious to it? What do your coworkers think? Have others had problems with him? Does he have favorites and scapegoats?( if that’s a yes...might be HIS personality problem).

I hope you find answers soon.

He's oblivious. The last time we talked about it, he admitted he's not good at communicating and claimed that he praises me all the time. Maybe he's doing so, but only in his head.

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