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How do I find love when I don't know how to start a conversation?

Mr-Chuckles 4 Oct 4

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Having some experience with different types of autism (young family member is PDD-NOS; was a nanny to a nonverbal young man), I suggest you volunteer at something you enjoy or support: Special Olympics, cancer drives, dinners to support someone who had a tragedy strike. Interacting with people will get you closer to your goal. Good luck.


Go up to a person you're interested in and ask them, "If you were stranded on an island, would you rather be with me or that guy?" And just point at any guy. From there, different responses and jokes will ensue. I say you practice them. A big misunderstanding in our current culture is that it all has to be spontaneous. But I think if you pre-create, rehearse, and perform it well, that could be your bread and butter.
I ask girls about video games all the time, because at that point we all know where we stand on a not inflammatory, but still divisive issue. If they're not down with the Mass Effect, that's like minus 22 compatibility points for the bof of us.


Far too often I just say hello, just to see if there is any interest.


Technically you just started a conversation here, and chatting online with people is a useful way to increase your conversation skills and your confidence in holding a conversation. There's no real replacement for actual face-to-face conversations in person though, and it is a skill you can develop.

Here are a few tricks you might find useful:

  • If you're ever in a group situation or in the company of other people who seem good at holding a conversation, try to listen in and learn from them.
  • If you get stuck for what to say, ask questions. Listen to the other person/people and develop an interest in what they have to say. Ask follow-up questions.
  • Prepare a list of questions in advance if you need to - in your head, not written down.
  • Sometimes something the other person says will remind you of an event in your own past - sharing personal anecdotes and revealing some stories from your past can help to build trust and empathy, and helps the other person to learn more about you and the kind of person you are. Be careful with revealing too much though - you're also trying to decide if the other person is trustworthy at the same time.
  • If you're just can't find common interests to talk about, that's ok too. That person might not be for you, either.
  • Some people are more relaxed if they are doing something rather than just sitting and chatting. It's becoming more common for people to meet around an activity, for example kayaking or walking. That might be an option for you.
  • Online dating is a good way to "meet" people if you're less outgoing (so am I). At some point you'll need to meet in person though.

Meanwhile, people are more interesting and attractive when they are confident and comfortable with who they are. You don't need to be super confident in every situation, but if you are generally happy as a person and happy with yourself, that will show and people respond well to it. Don't make dating your top priority. Focus on yourself and your own interests. People who are passionate about life and who enjoy what they do are more interesting and more attractive. Perhaps join a meetup group for something you're interested in - that can be a good way to meet people. Doesn't have to be with people you would date - every conversation is good practice.

Having said all that, I'm divorced and generally shy myself, so take it all with a grain of salt hehe 😉


Let it find you by being someone interesting and loveable.

SamL Level 7 Oct 8, 2017

I find it easier to start conversations online at first. In person I'm pretty shy. So I made myself message people and I went from there. By starting online I can distance myself quickly if necessary.


Ask questions of the other person, do not make lame complements which never come off right. Look very interested in their answers. Keep the focus on them, not yourself. Keep saying, "That's interesting. Can you tell me more about it?" You will know if they are not really interested in you. And relax. Predators in nature are only successful 1 in 10 times, and making a love interest has about the same odds. Sorry for the predators analogy. I'm a biologist.

. . . and please try your best not to make it look like a "question and answer portion" of some game show or a Federal investigation on who did it.

As for predators, "THEY'RE HEEEEEEEERE!" so watch your back and have a good hindsight. take a look at the profiles of those who visited you and of those whom they have visited. Try to put the pieces together if you have the time.


I have always been incredibly shy when talking to people in person. I tend to be attracted to more outgoing men who are easy to talk to, which actually has helped. If they approach me first it's much easier. I don't think I've ever been the one to start anything ???? Just be patient. Someone will come along and you just "click".

Whoah! now, just wait, wait wait wait. Hold it right there: "If they approach me first" did I read it right? If they approach you first?

Hmm, not sure that strategy works very well for men. But I may be wrong. Times are changing, though the dating world seems to be lagging significantly on the equality thing (which may be good or bad, depending on your perspective).

I suspect the OP, being male, will need to be more like the "outgoing men" you referred to, but then again there are outgoing women out there who may just find something about the OP attractive in the right situation. Confidence seems to be the key though, regardless of who you are.


I know how you feel. I have a mild form of autism and it is extremely difficult for me to start a conversation with someone.


Just sit there staring at her and hope the waiter arrives soon, "ahem, aaaahhhh . . . are you on a diet?"

Try to listen to Randy Crawford's "One Hello"

'Cause love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all

you aren't being helpful

ChrisHosking: truly it's hard to get by if you haven't a little sense of humor or if you can't take a joke. If you don't like love songs as a way to find love, if you don't like to joke to lighten up a conversation I don't know how else I can help you.

I also have a little insecurity , kinda autistic even for my senior age, stutter when I talk, incoherent, crooked teeth with upper dentures, sloe-eyed, kinda short (5'4'😉 and a lot of bills to pay. But I have no trouble with girls.

You're a handsome guy. And a big guy. So . . . grow up!


Always start with a compliment and a smile followed by a short story to keep the conversation going. For instance, "wow, you sure dressed right on for this weather. I wish I had remembered my gloves. It's freezing out there, isn't it?"
Small thoughtful gestures generate great feedback also. For instance, " Here, jump in front of me in line, I'm in no hurry. I would love a few extra karma points." (Big smile)
*That's just a little female advice.

Jayd Level 2 Oct 5, 2017

hhhhmmmmmm . . .


If it makes you feel better, us extroverts don't really have any more luck finding love. ????

I figure I'm going to enjoy my life and make connections wherever I go. Maybe love will find me, but regardless, I'll have fun doing things that make me happy.

As for starting conversations, I prefer a friendly hello and a smile. Works surprisingly well.

As the song goes. " one hello is how it starts . . . )


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