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Late Night Contemplations on Past Relationships

Though I seem to be perpetually single in a world that's more concerned with instant gratification and hypergamy over substance and longevity, when I sleep at night I'm often comforted in pretending that I'm laying next to someone I love.
This of course, means looking back on those I've loved.
I'd squeeze the body pillow next to me, as if it were them, and revel in their memory; their smell, their smile, how I felt when they were safely sleeping next to me, and all was right in the world.

Though, lately, it's come to my attention that while I used to fall in love easily, and I was fiercely loyal; there aren't many women who returned the same amount of love back.

They either cheated, grew bored of me, moved away, ghosted me, broke things off because they "just wanted to be friends", etc.
All of them, save for one...who I let go.
I had to. While I loved her deeply, and she was the best woman I'd ever known, she was 1. A devout catholic, and arguments and condescending comments would arise simply because I was not. 2. She was ill. At the time we didn't know what it was, but it seemed physiologically connected to her brain. -She was from another state where her parents still lived, and they'd visit her more frequently as her illness progressed. I could see the writing on the wall.
In order for her to get the treatment she needed, she'd need the support of people who could take her to all of her appointments, and help support her while she figured this out. -it wasn't dire. But it was enough of a problem that it looked somewhat like fibromyalgia or hyperthyroidism.
The only reason she stayed in town was for me. ...and she'd constantly remind me that I was not the perfect man...yet her Catholic upbringing caused her to ask me about marriage, despite the religious difference (and belittling). -Though, at no other time or point was she anything other than positive and uplifting, save for this one topic.

So, I ended it. It's been one of the biggest regrets of my adult life, and it's taken me years to come to grips with.
Despite what I'd just written, no lady treated me as well as she did. She was my buddy, my lover, my favorite nerd, and she motivated me to be better.

A couple of years after the move, I traveled north to see her.
I still loved her, and I just had to see her.

During breakfast before I left, I'd asked her about our relationship, how she thought about it, what she thought about a possible future, etc. Somehow the question came up if she'd really loved me, or if she was just going through the motions of the relationship. -The answer was the latter.
I was crushed. 3 1/2 years with someone, and they were going through the motions.

At 36, dating is not getting any easier. I feel like the best is behind me.
Which, looking at things now, with this information, I can't say that I have ever truly been loved by someone the way that I loved them.
So, where once I could use my imagination to help fill the gap and keep me going...now there's just an empty placeholder that no one ever bothered to claim.

MuzikDan 5 May 13
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Hey Dan, your story is sad but it’s not uncommon, don’t beat yourself up for past disappointments. Furthermore, at 36 you are way too young to be so pessimistic. I assure you the best is not behind you and dating doesn’t have to be difficult. Like I said, you are young, good looking, and I’m sure talented and successful. I see a bright future ahead for you. Hit me up if you want to talk.

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