@Elusia8 Please don't worry about it - you didn't bring up hard feelings - haven't had any since he passed.

@Elusia8 I would like to change the situation, but I am fine how I feel about it. My younger sister is severely intellectually disabled, and is in the same nursing home as my mother. To talk to her I have to go through my mother, and when I visit, mother controls everything. Last visit mother was waiting at reception for me, given it is a 3 day trip there and back for me, she would have been willing to wait no matter how long. She was lucky I got there about 1/2 hour after it opened. To make doubly sure, she had my sister in mothers room in her wheel chair with the door closed. She was not going to let me get in and out without her being in control. My youngest brother lives closer, he manages to duck in and out without my mother seeing him. I raised my youngest brother as kids, lost contact when I got kicked out of home at 16/17, but a year later we were back together again. We live in different states but chat a few times a week. So as you can see, I have no need to feel closer to my mother, her fave son is in her house and she provides everything for him, he is only 57, has never left home. Middle child etc. So, how do you handle the situation with your mother? Siblings? and if so are they treated the same?

@Elusia8 wow, I think someone cloned our lives. The brother my mother has given everything to, has not worked at all since he was 22 and before that only 2 jobs of less than 6 months. Heavy drug user both prescribed and illegal, all sorts of psych diagnoses. My father was an alcoholic, eventually it killed him. He was extremely violent and I was his whipping boy. I tried to make peace my whole life, he wouldn't have it, I would drive hours of a weekend to see him when he was dying and take mother shopping and such, one of the last things he ever said to me was that I was the worst son any father could ever have. When he died my mother refused to talk to me for quite a long time as he never let her talk to me when he was alive and she was respecting his wishes. So my youngest brother and I and our respective families are a families unit of our own. Our kids get along great and despite the distance still socialize together though they didn't see each other often growing up. We have salvaged what we could from a most dysfunctional family. I have blocked the druggie from contacting me and have made it know I will be reporting him if he ever contacts myself or family again. Abusive and disgusting calls, would clog up our answering machine.

@Elusia8 To be perfectly honest, my whole world is much healthier keeping them out of it. I knwo we have this instinctive feeling we should stick by family, but it can be toxic.

@Elusia8 I tried writing. Was a little therapeutic for me but otherwise ineffective. She just ignores what she doesn't like. I've literally been told to just act as though everything is ok so her & my sister can pretend everything is ok. She used other words but that was the content. She would rather I was constantly hurting than try to deal with things.
In all seriousness I have come to terms with our relationship and I am happier again. Things are better than they were and I do have some good interactions with my mum again, it's just this always now hangs over my dealings with her. My wife has been amazing and supportive, things would have been much worse otherwise.
I also severed contact with my sister. Changed phone numbers when she got hold of them. Refused to attend family event's (she was welcome, I was invited to keep up appearances & play pretend). Still see her around town though. I can tolerate her presence these days but it is now clearly on my terms.

@Elusia8 I understand a little how it feels to be dealing with a mother like that. My wife was raised by her grandparents as she was taken from her alcoholic mother who also was suffering mental instability.
When I met my wife she was still in contact with her mum, but over the next few month's she decided she couldn't deal with the abuse any more. I spoke to her mum more often than she did at this time. Eventually she severed all contact. Obviously there was more family drama as a consequence. As the years have past she has decided to reach out to her mum. It's all on her terms and it hasn't gone smoothly but she is persevering.