Your life experiences are VERY different from mine. I can, have, and do give references for exes, right here in the Real World.

Mostly good ones for guys who are genuinely wonderful people but socially awkward or have off-putting tastes or whatever. They are great guys and still friends of mine and I want to see them happy so I am always glad to give a little friendly insight to their new love interests or even try to nudge nice girls in their direction.

There is nothing unfair or demeaning about hearing various sides of a story or letting more people have a voice.

Do all your relationships end vindictively? Maybe that’s the real problem.

Some also want to have a load of meaningless fun sex affairs then hide this from “serious” partners or cheat or lie, and do abusive garbage then want to prevent anyone hearing their exes’ side of the story. I fail to see how that contributes to anyone’s happiness. If you are committed to honesty as a general virtue, this would be a very mundane part of that.

@SinMissing None of mine do. But a relationship isn't like a job, where you're critiqued about it. None of mine have been.

Everyone is looking for something different in a relationship, too. So I could say something about someone that someone else doesn't notice, and vice-versa. Relationships aren't one-size-fits all. Just my take.

Well you don’t have much imagination if you think that (some or most) people being willing to meet a new partner’s former partner is the worst world lol!
Do you have very stormy break-ups maybe? Because I have actually lived this - meeting old partners’ new dates and having my dates meet my ex partner, and it’s actially been quite nice. When the break up is genuinely amiable I’m happy to help my ex get into a better relationship and I’m happy for their insight and advice. I actually have a couple of exes who are very protective too, surprisingly so, whichbis sweet, and like being a person my ex can have a very open conversation with. It makes all the stress of building romantic harmony that didn’t quite work have continuing value.

Likewise I disagree wit your second point - some of the most vicious breakups I have seen featured no lawyers or property. In fact I had a bad breakup with my husband but we still did a collaborative divorce with no lawyers at all and split our finances and property just fine.

I really think it’s serial monogamy where people pretend that every relationship is “true love” then when it ends it’s almost like they think it’s supernatural that the thing they were SO convinced was perfect has to become some kind of treacherous trick by the horrible person who previously was their “true love” but NOW they have it right and the new person is the “true love” it’s gross.

@SinMissing The exact opposite of what you say. My ex was best man at my wedding and I have superb relationships with all 3 of my previous long term ex partners. However, I have several friends - both male and female, who's ex partners have been toxic, trying to ruin any future relationships by any means possible making any references useless and potentially harmful.

In UK law, to get a divorce you have to find your partner to be unreasonable in some way - a women here has recently been refused a divorce because her husband contested it and as his behaviour has been found not unreasonable, she cannot have her divorce and will have to wait for a seven year separation. This filters down to a blame culture that is perpetuated outside of lawyers. I know few couples that have separated by mutual consent. I've been lucky, all of mine were.

I misunderstood your understanding of serial monogamy, and I agree that "this is the only one" mentality is unhealthy. I have always been honest enough to know that relationships often change and run their natural course.

All in all, I don't think we are too different in our views!

In my best relationships, where I am the closest friends, the exes who are like dear family, there are some things in common. I am able to live and work with them as the closest of friends, more like family really. I am able to be extremely honest and open with them and they with me as we know each other so deeply and have affection for each other’s strengths and weaknesses. AND they are my BEST sources for advice and understanding about new partners. We do discuss and evaluate and talk together about later partners. We help each other through rough spots and reconciliation or break up. People saying this is a fantasy or some ideal need to understand that their own experiences are far from universal.

It is a GREAT feeling to meet an exes new partner and have a friendly chat with them. They see I am no threat but a friend. I see they are lovely and worthy of my dear friend who is now an ex. There is instant intimacy to a degree as I’d like to get when introducing a partner to my family, but I dint have a biological family.

By telling yourself this is a fantasy you are missing out on the possibility of better relationships. It’s not universal but it’s not non existent either.

@SinMissing I think you were replying to sticks? I was agreeing with the second sentence of the original post "I’d love to live in a culture where unhealthy and dishonest serial monogamy was not the default." Abuse can be seriously destructive in intimate relationships and I think that was her why she said she wanted to be able to check references. I do very much believe love continues. Also unicorns are awesome, especially space unicorn

@thinkwithme yes, my mistake, sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful reply

I will