I’ve Never Believed
Finding myself in a different space than most atheists and agnostics in that I have never believed in a god or gods. My family is Christian and though we didn’t go to church much or on a regular basis I have been to church and exposed to religious ideas my entire life. As a child all of that seemed like fairy tales and myths, as scary as some of the stuff was, I figured people just liked the traditions like Christmas and Easter.
It wasn’t until I was in the Army that I realized how much people believe in faith. I vividly remember arguing with the dawg tag lady in basic training that I had no religion when she was insistent on putting non-denominational as my religion. I even went on my own journey years later while on active duty (I was national guard) to find the right religion for me after I expressed feeling like something was missing from my life; my battle buddy suggested it might be religion. I was really into learning about Buddhism for a while and when I told my mom she asked (in a non-condescending way, my parents are very accepting of me) “Why do you always have to be different?”. I remember telling her “it’s not like I’ve ever claimed to be Christian”. This 7-year journey of exploring different religions lead me to realize I am an atheist. I don’t very much care for pulling the race card, but as a black person I didn’t hear that word growing up, it was just a term I was not familiar with so there was no way I could identify as that. Especially as a young adult in the military in the south I didn’t hear this word, but it was very clear that people seriously looked down upon people who didn’t believe.
The closet I ever came to expressing a belief in the supernatural was telling my sister that I didn’t know if a god or gods existed, but that there had to be something that makes existence possible, a higher being, but nothing like the Abrahamic god. As I was exploring religious claims I usually found answers in science and have sense been more and more interested in learning about sciences and how the world works. I realized that existence doesn’t need a higher being and it reinforced that is okay to not have all the answers.
This then lead me to Dawkins and Krauss and Hitchens etc., and the skeptic and atheist communities on YouTube, and I found glory in knowing that I was not alone in my thinking. That my whole life I wasn’t strange or trying to be different, I was just questioning the world around me and comparing it to all the claims I’ve heard from religious people in my life.
This is the short version of my religious experience as a life long atheist. I’ve been working on a more detailed version, but after finding this site I felt the need to share something.
Been there done that is pretty cliched but covers it for me. Enjoyed your tale and glad you're here.
Excellent post! I recall the look & comment I got from the woman who made the dog tags when I was in boot. I wasn't "active" at the time so I just went with "NP" (No Preference). The lady was like, "Are you sure?" & I don't think she got too many of those. Now, this was back in '73, but things have probably not changed that much in the military.
I followed somewhat the same path as you. Raised Southern Baptist, forced to go to church nearly every time the doors were open. Rebelling when I went away to college and changing to a different church that was more formal, The Episcopal, but which still espoused the same belief it all still just didn't answer my questions. But when I married, I changed churches again so that my husband and our children would be together in a 'faith'. One day my young daughter said to me after Sunday School, "This just doesn't make any sense at all". I began to read, listen to lectures, and study, study study! My husband and son suddenly died within months of each other - one from cancer, the other from a car accident - Those were the tipping points for my life. I no longer accepted the dogmas, sweet consolations that my son and his father were now in Heaven waiting for me, or prayers that God had a purpose or the worse, that they were better off now. What garbage! I expanded my research into agnosticism and felt comfortable for a while, but finally decided that in my own mind I was a Humanist --- Good Without God. I didn't see any sign of a heavenly father who cared for me or anyone else. Things happen - for good when everything works out properly, for bad when we violate a universal law. When you turn lose of a glass you are holding up, it will drop. Law of gravity...etc, etc. So I am Humanist now, along with my daughter. We belong to groups and attend conferences, gaining friends, information and confidence.
I recommend it.
I've never believed, either. I was very lucky to be born into a household where religion didn't figure at all. When I tried to believe in my teens, my mother took me to a catholic church, but we burst into fits of giggles when she said "oh look, his handbag's on fire" (the incense burner). I knew then that my lovely mum was all I needed to understand the world. So we left.
Raised catholic and started questioning it at 12..but the time I was 30 or so realized science makes more sense to me..am I an atheist nope... Agnostic do not know one way or another and do not care...thanks for sharing !
I have never believed. Although once, when my beloved Nanny was dying, I tried.
I do not know where you are from, but I also see ( not using the race card either and am not trying to sound ignorant) is that most black people I know ( including my cousins) are much more religious than I would expect. even in Canada, most black people I know are religious, much my so that the white people I know. I am thinking it is cultural, with many not wanting to "be different"
You certainly are not alone. I have a pretty similar story, since childhood. I learned to pretend along with everyone else. But there came I time when I needed to authentic. I met a priest and later a nun, who confessed they were atheists, but went along with their religion, minus magical beings because it was a career choice in which they could make a positive difference in peoples lives. They tired hard not to be exposed and felt fraudulent. What kept them going was doing good deeds.
pretty much the same experiences as mine .I read a lot as a child wildly exciting books with all the fanfare of life in them.. Sunday school classes were stories with no good hooks or storylines so they never involved me and it was a poor story compared to Black Beauty etc. My parents were sceptics but didnt talk about it - I opted for the personal growth, counselling, creative expressive therapy, route which is about as free and real as it gets these days I am old and just go my own way.
Thank you for sharing. It's great that you found your way here too! I really like Hitchens and Dawkins but need to look into Krauss, thanks for the references.