I usually don’t sugarcoat anything, and I don’t attract people. I’m fine with that.

I think sometimes we give Too Much Information (TMI) when people are not looking for our life story. All they generally really want is to make small talk and get to know us gradually.

The things that loom large for me in the story arc of my life are pretty heavy and probably shouldn't define me so much as inform my story, so they are appropriate for people to discover gradually, as they want to, are able to, and are worthy to. So I don't lead with the death of my wife, son, mother or brother before their time, my divorce prior to most of that, or pretty much any of my personal angst or self-imposed purgatories. Those are only for immediate family and close friends and even they don't want to wallow in it 24/7. And sometimes where relevant I share that sort of thing in a place like this site with a high level of anonymity where people can learn from my experiences but not feel obligated to comfort or stroke me about it.

So yeah, in real life I talk about my current professional life, my current activities and interests, and then I quickly ask them all about themselves, which they are generally glad to hold forth on. Somewhere way down the road they might trust me enough to share some of their vulnerable bits with me and I can perhaps empathize precisely because of my own suffering, and then it comes up organically and in some way connected to them and their concerns. Otherwise ... I mostly keep it to myself. There's nothing dishonest about that; it's just discrete.

I don't tell someone a lot about myself until I get to know and trust them, and then each time I reveal something it's like testing the waters to see how they'll respond. Everyone's got stuff in their backgrounds, so I also think a lot of it is how we learn to frame it. I'd see a red flag in someone who is bitter and holds on to resentment and blame, as opposed to someone who has been able to work through their pain -- mainly because in my own history I held on to anger so much that it probably pushed people away. I like people who are real, but who own the way they handle their past -- some of the most compassionate people I've met were deeply wounded and it's something that's never left them, but they have an insight that I appreciate... I don't know if I'm making sense, this topic goes deep for me.

I’ve learned that no one really wants my story. They ask because it’s polite, but they don’t really want to know. So, if I do go there, they nod politely and I never hear from them again. I don’t sugarcoat and I don’t lie. I just say, I had a rough childhood and leave it at that. The ones that want to know more, ask. But, I’ve rarely been asked.

Nobody wants to be around a negative person. It's a huge red flag when a man bitches about his ex-wife or moans about his sad life.

During first dates, do I complain about my abusive first husband or critical, alcoholic father? Absolutely not.

Through counseling, I let go of anger and resentment years ago.

Instead I have fun getting to know the man, and stay upbeat and positive.

One of my favorite Gandhi quotes is "I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet." We are all rhe masters of our life stories. Deciding how to write it and setting healthy boundaries are worthy pursuits. It's not lying to decide hiw you present yourself to the world. In fact, framing your life in words is a first step toward being who you really mean to be.

What amazes me is that people don't read the profiles on here.

So, I start talking to someone...and it's clear he didn't read anything I wrote.
Rinse, Repeat.
Over and over.

But, yes, it does get exhausting trying to start with someone new from scratch. I've thought about handing new acquaintances a Bio page and my resume. That should get the basics out of the way.

LOL

As an amusing note...the last time I changed therapists, I wrote a 78 page biography for the new therapist to read so I didn't have to repeat myself and truly start over. It saved a least a month of sessions not to have to go over it all. She said I was the first one that ever did that!

Tell them those parts of your life that don't hurt you...at least no too much. The other memories should be for those who really get to know you first....and never mention them all at the same time. People who had a "family life" get scared because they never were in a situation where a sister / brother...or the parents hurt them.
On a second note, I get pissed off to no end when people ask me where I was born...no because I resent my origins but because I am asked said question about five times each day.

I understand you well.

Getting to know people is a slow process. How much are you telling up front?

When people ask these questions, they are being polite, acting as socially expected. Period.
They Do Not want or need to har about everything....in fact I am 100% certain TMI is what is "turning them off".
Hit the highlights, use self-deprecating humor to bring up one or two low points so you retain humanity, then ask about Them!
Anything else can come out a bit at a time as/if you get to know them better!

Here's a thought , if you don't like what you've made of your life , change your life . If you don't like the path you're on , take a different path . Make improvements you'll be proud to tell . You don't have to start with your entire history . Instead , make a good present for yourself , then when the need arises , tell them where you are now .

I do, and prefer honesty. And yes, feel it tells me about the real person. It can be a filtering device of sorts.. If someone’s not interested in the real you, or appreciate your life experiences, that’s someone to avoid.