Agnostic.com

5 0

What's In A Name?

I'm considering going back to my maiden name when we finally file for divorce. (It's been almost two years since I ended my marriage, staying legally bound was a matter of convenience, but that time has passed.) Reasons to NOT change it: my kid and I have the same last name, it's a hassle to change all related documents, utility bills, etc., and my maiden name is a nightmare to spell. Reasons TO change it: it's unique, I'd be easy to find if anyone was willing to learn to spell it, and it would symbolically denote that I am me, as opposed to the former Mrs. So-and-so.

For the record, my son has stated several times that he does not care one way or the other.

Feel free to comment on what you would do and why, and I'll add a poll just so you can see the difference between the names. (And say whatever you like, I'll make up my own mind, I'm just curious about what you think.)

  • 1 vote
  • 8 votes
Nottheonlyone 7 Aug 27
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

5 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

2

I went back. I liked my married name. I thought it flowed well. It means "Given" in Spanish and I thought it was neat but didn't seem right to keep it after I divorced him. Afterwards it made me remember that I was myself again. It was unexpected the amount of pride it gave me. It made me think in a new way about the "ownersbip" aspect of marriage and it's kinda gross. I never was that impressed with it anyway though. I never realized that I had any real pride in my name. It gave me a visceral feeling of being that person I was before every time I wrote it down or used it. It really was quite a surprise how much satisfaction I got. It was 2011 and I still think about it when I have to fill out anything that asks for "previous names used". It seems weird because most people put their maiden name there and my name is my maiden name. It makes me feel special, even though it shouldn't.. I guess taking that back for myself is something to be proud of though.

I hope this doesn't sound corny I woke up at 3am and can't sleep. I wasn't in an abusive or overly patriorical relationship but I lost a lot of myself with him. Everyone does in any relationship, even healthy ones (or especially healthy ones but it wasn't). It was just like a reminder of finding the new me and being in control of my own life. Its subtle but powerful.
That was 2011 and there is still the account here and there with the other name on it. I had to sign that way not to long ago and now I can't remember why but it was weird. Changing all the bank accounts, college stuff, work stuff, other stuff you wouldn't think of, that took a while. Some of it I didn't even bother. It doesn't matter anyway.

As far as the kids go I don't think it effects them negatively. There are many different types of family these days so I don't think there is as much of a stigma as there may have been to the past. If I were to have another child I think it would be even more important (hypothetical I very much am not planning on that). In my mind I would give said child their dads name so I wouldn't have the same name as some of my kids but not the rest. I would keep my own because I am my own person. I really do see it as almost some form of violence to take someone's name from them now. I know that sounds dramatic and I have never worded it like that before, even in my head but I do cringe when I see young women giving up their names. I'm really not a feminazi...
Aaand it's 430am and I just dropped my phone because my alarm went off. Better wrap it up. I really didn't know I had a strong opinion about this, felt good to spell it out and think about it for a few hours though I guess.. hmm..

Anyway I think you should do what feels best for you. It won't change your life significantly but might give you some personal satisfaction if you are willing to deal with all the paperwork, a few automated phone systems and the occasional confused but usually not judgmental teacher to straighten it all out ?

MsAl Level 8 Aug 28, 2018

Thank you so much for this response. I had already decided to spend some time writing it out, just to see how it feels, kinda like how, when we were young and had crushes, we'd write out "Mrs. So-and-so" in our notebooks in school. Your comment has made me remember that it's okay and probably healthy for me to spend a little time crushing on me and my independence.

1

I'd say switch back. When my parents got divorced, my Mom went back to her maiden name thus mine being different from hers. In the end, the only person's opinion that will actually matter is your own. So, what do you want to do?

2

Ever wonder why women change their name when they marry , but men don't ? You are giving up your connection to your tribe/family/loyalty , and aligning yourself with your husband's tribe/family . You are leaving your father's possession and becoming a possession of your new husband . I used to think it was romantic . Before I married , I asked my soon to be husband if he would be willing to change his last name to mine . Doesn't work in reverse . They would not feel honored . I kept my ex's last name , for the benefit of our children . I figured it would be easier for them it we shared the same last name . But for the most part , people know me by my first name , not by my last . My ex is not a part of my life . I don't identify with him or his family . I truly want no connection with them .

Very true. Marriage was for political alliance. This idea of marriage for love is a recent thing.

2

Either way I would like you just the same

1

Is easy really worth it? Isn't what's important worth more effort?

Yes, but I'd honestly like to drop my last name entirely and use my middle name as my last name. That's just not something that's available through divorce proceedings in Indiana (at least, not in any of the typical forms; you may only revert to a previous name). (I'm not particularly proud of being my father's daughter, either.) But it's not even close to being a high enough priority for me to spend money on legally changing my name, and it won't be for a very long time. I have a 14 year old, and I'd like to see him graduate from college... so these are my options.

@Nottheonlyone I'm not entirely sure about indiana, but in most states it's only in divorce that you can revert to your maiden name without having to pay. But it is possible for anyone to change their last name at any time legally by filing an application and paying a fee. If you want another name, maybe just leave your name alone at the end of the divorce and use the alternate procedure (if it's available in Indiana),

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:165206
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.