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Beyond #MeToo and #IBelieveYou -- What will it take to end rape culture?

In the wake of the powerful and heartbreaking #MeToo movement, I certainly understand that saying "I believe you" is a crucial indispensable affirmation for survivors of sexual assault to hear from those in whom they have confided. However, it's hardly enough by itself to put a dent in rape culture. What do you all think it will take to start to bring it down? I know it will take a long time, but what can we do to make it happen faster? Obviously, men, we need to own the problem more than we have - be good role models for our sons, refuse to tolerate disparaging remarks about women, believe and support survivors, etc. But honestly I'm not content with the suggestions I've read so far. What else will it take? I'm posting one link here. It's a start, but you'll probably come away as dissatisfied with it as I am. Could we please create a thread of ideas and links to resources here of how to begin destroying rape culture? [mashable.com]

vertrauen 7 Oct 22
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1

Wait a minute. Hang on here. Rape "culture"? This sounds like the entire culture is devoted to raping women. Maybe I'm not part of the "culture", but I'm appalled by the idea of forcing anyone into any sexual acts against their will. This sounds to me like the old radical feminists' claims that rape isn't an act by A man against A woman, but the means by which ALL men subjugate ALL women. (I also, for the record, object to the similar idea that there's a "gun culture", which sounds as if a bunch of guys are sitting around planning their next mass shooting.)

"Culture" isn't the problem and it isn't the cure. Individuals are. Blame the perpetrators. Put them on trial. Instead of electing them to the Presidency for crying out loud.

@Paul4747, it most certainly isn't about all men intending to subjugate all women. No one is saying that at all. Rather, it's much more about the fact that sexual intrusion and aggression have become so normalized as a common (not universal) aspect of American masculinity that women live daily, nay, almost hourly, with the awareness that any given individual man making an overture could turn on a dime into Mr. Hyde if the overture does not meet with her approval. That doesn't mean that women believe that we all can't accept their disinterest gracefully. It simply means that women (a) can't universally tell which men will be gentlemen and 🍺 don't even have the choice of avoiding the overtures of creeps and stalkers anyway. The fact that "I have a boyfriend" (even if untrue) is a far more effective way of ending an unwanted conversation than is "No, thanks," is a reflection of the widespread conviction among (too many, not all) single guys that unattached women are prizes to be won by dogged persistence, never mind how uncomfortable, even stressful, that experience may be for the woman. Because "I have a boyfriend" means she's already been claimed by another male, a message that is much more likely to penetrate the skull of a patriarchally-impaired creep than is "No, thanks."

What the majority of men typically don't get - and I didn't fully get until quite recently - is that women deal with this shit nearly every single day: catcalls on the street, creepy innuendos, unprofessional behavior, a grope from the crowd, etc. - and the widespread male sense of entitlement is such that this conduct is too frequently explained away with a "Boys will be boys" wink, as if it were right that women should grin and bear this kind of thing every day. And what most men also typically don't get - and this is the heartbreaking truth I was already learning before #MeToo - is that very large numbers of our mothers, sisters, daughters, and women friends have experienced sexual assaults from molestation to rape, and those traumatic experiences have often arisen in the wake of less egregious intrusions, such that women aren't just aggravated by the latter, they are also implicitly threatened by such behavior short of assault because it is widely condoned by a society which smiles on male entitlement ("Boys will be boys." ) In other words, there's little or no recourse against the transgressions of powerful men nor against random men who skate up to the line but can still get away with shit because they can either hide behind humor, exploit the woman's concern for her own safety, or disappear back into a crowd. Meanwhile, the woman is constantly dealing with the stress of avoiding "setting off" males who might then assault her.

And it is this nearly daily stress (and, for some, outright fear) - whereby women must regularly take precautions so as not to be raped - that lies at the root of the term "rape culture." There is a meme that sums it up: "We live in a society that teaches 'Don't get raped,' instead of 'Don't rape.'" As a whole, we men are not doing a good enough job teaching our sons to respect women. The "Boys will be boys" wink is a chronic problem that results in crimes like those of the Steubenville football players and Brock Turner.

I will conclude with some links that demonstrate just how widespread is this problem of the toleration of misogyny and the normalization of rape:

[wavaw.ca]
[everydayfeminism.com]
[everydayfeminism.com]
[huffingtonpost.com]
[ww2.kqed.org]

I was looking for this link yesterday when replying to you, @Paul4747. Just stumbled across it today. Maybe you'll say it's just one guy, but hopefully you've looked at the other links I posted yesterday and realize that this is an endemic problem. If you don't like the phrase "rape culture," then obviously don't use it yourself (but try not to argue about it bc there are a lot of women out there who are hurting who find that the shoe fits). In any case, I hope that the phrase "toxic masculinity" at least makes sense to you. Not that all American masculinity is toxic, not at all, but that the toxicity of our culture's masculinity is either spiking or finally out in the open. Either way we need to be doing something about it. It's not just "a few bad apples." [facebook.com]

Culture most definitely is the problem. Here's a discussion in Psychology Today about the current confluence of toxic masculinity, authoritarianism, and militarization: [psychologytoday.com]

@vertrauen
And yet, that doesn't mean I'm a participant. The reason I dislike terminology that implies an entire culture is that it stereotypes me as a potential aggressor, when my own history is that I've been the victim of false allegations- those allegations automatically believed because "that's how men are" and women should be immune from questioning.

I don't question anyone involved in any of the allegations under discussion in this thread, I'm only relating my own story. And I was injured (and lost a job) because someone manipulated the trust that "a woman wouldn't lie". So while I'm outraged when I hear proven allegations, I'm still tender about the idea that males are universally "toxic". And that's where I'll depart the thread.

@Paul4747, I'm very sorry that that happened to you. And I'll repeat: the toxicity of American masculinity isn't universal; it is merely too widespread to be ignored. Judicial proceedings and HR adjudication still need to be premised on "innocent until proven guilty." Society as a whole, however, needs to be more attuned to and protective of the needs of the survivors of sexual assault.

2

Women have to keep talking, and exposing these predators. Through the years, I've had strange men try to walk up to me and grope me, or talk nasty to me. What I've always done is to call it out right as it happens, and draw attention to the creep. I curse up a blue streak at the perv, and let him know that I'm willing to physically fight him. It's never failed. Also though, I think guys need to call out friends who they know step over the line w/women. Like if a guy is cat-calling and you're there, tell him how stupid he looks and sounds. I think there's too many guys that high-five this stuff (you and many other good men excluded, of course) and the cycle keeps turning. Turn 'em in lock 'em up!!!!

2

Stop victim blaming and call out those who do. The sooner we all learn to call out the rapists and abusers the better. It won’t stop until they feel uncomfortable and know there will be repercussions for their behavior.

CS60 Level 7 Oct 26, 2017
0

I think it will be a generational thing. It will no doubt take a number of generations, and possibly it is really in the hands of the mothers of all little boys. mothers have to stop excusing the bad behaviour of their sons with the excuse that "boys will be boys" and start instilling in their offspring the requirement for respect and care for their sisters and all other females. I can only repeat what my own mother told me about behaviour towards females,"always remember it's the woman's choice". I saw it put rather succinctly, if a little bluntly on a T shirt a girl was wearing on board my boat one trip, it said "I have the vagina, I make the rules".

True, although fathers have the same responsibility - to crack down on proto-misogynistic behavior in their sons, rather than giving it a wink and a nod.

And, as I've suggested, I'm tired of waiting for the generational shift. I thought we were already getting there and yet - well before #MeToo but in the last 12 months or so - I'm finding that our society is so much more misogynistic than I ever grasped. Too many women and girls are getting hurt while we wait for American male culture to grow up. And then we elect the Pussy-Grabber in Chief for chrissakes!

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