My PTSD - Although, its not related to war, it is military related and civilian related. I'm afraid that whomever I meet and fall in love with will not understand why there will be times I want to be alone. (Thus, I go to the gym every day to distress myself after work.)
My weight (which I'm getting back to). I really let myself go for the last 1.5 years. I'm not terribly worried because I will get my body back where I have to, but it's that time between. In 3 months top, but it feels like forever. I've never really had weight issues. Maybe being a tiny bit underweight in the military, but... Arghh!
I'm short. Why didn't my 4'11 mother drink enough milk? Ha! Genetics, I suppose.
I love kids. I'm afraid to fall in love with a man who has kids. Fearing that the mother of his kids will never accept me by making my life a living h-ll to live happily with the man I love and having their kids around us when they visit. I've never made it hard for any of my ex-husband's women.
I'm very insecure about my looks and how people just don't see me. I don't think I look like a goblin but I'm not getting any second glances either. My current relationship isn't the best so I often think about leaving him but I don't want to be alone. I guess I'm worried that my looks or lack thereof, will keep me from moving on and that I'll be lonely, so Im staying put for now.
My height. Although it might be accurate to say we live in a man's world, I believe it's more accurate to say we live in a tall man's world. There are so many unspoken entitlements that tall men experience. And there's so many accomplishments that shorter men do not get credit for.
[Wheels in the 'Insecurities' filing cabinet]
Okay... Body: I'm too tall, nose too big, shoulders too wide, legs not attractive, hideous feet, wish my face were cuter (or just cute, period), hate the two gaps in my teeth (made by an orthodontist 50 years ago).
General: I'm very insecure when compared to non-trans women... a lot of feelings of inferiority. Couldn't bear children. Often feel as if I'm a lousy mom to my daughter (it comes and goes), often afraid I've eff'd up my kid, kind of a negative person, often feel unlovable.
Accomplishments (or non-accomplishments): I'm sort of okay doing many different things, but realistically mediocre when it comes to any one of them. Never really put in enough effort to be successful at any one pursuit. Too damn lazy when it comes down to it. Wish I were a better/more consistent friend/sister.
That's enough for now, in this environment. [wheels out 'insecurities' filing cabinet]
My weight... and, oddly, I just checked and I am at an ok weight. I DO want to lose some more. Why? My back hurts when my weight is up and, I am in some pain I associate with being up in weight. For the record, I've never stressed how much I weigh, but how I feel at whatever weight and what I can do at same. Ie: if I am not able to do 2-3 flights of stairs without being winded, I am worried! If I can do that and feel comfortable, I am fine (no matter the weight). So, being in reasonable shape is more important to me.
Emotional hangup is the feeling that I can't, or won't, find someone to be in my life. I haven't given up, yet, not truly, but I have stopped actively looking. Why? Seems like every time I make a connection, something goes wrong and that 'wrong' has been all over the map (some are mistakes I made, some were mistakes on their side, most were just no real connection).
Work. This could be related to a bunch of things but I can't seem to get my shit together at work so that I am performing at what I'd consider to be 'speed.' That said, I have a great team here, with very good support and I think I may well be able to turn this around. Right now, though, it's one day at a time. A bit more on that: I teach and my greatest flaw is classroom control. I just don't have the 'command voice' save it high stress situations. I am too soft on my kids and they roll over me. :/
You did ask?
I hate how I look ..and can't go out without make up.I was always criticized by my mother growing up..si am very insecure about my looks ..also ...she didnt want a girl ...and dressed me as a boy when I was young .
But i 've survived ...and have 3 fantastic children ..
I too share your fear of falling for some one that has children. What happens if I grow close to them and the relationship ends?
I am kinda weird about my weight. I was a wrestler in school. I wrestled at 160lbs and spent many mornings before weigh in with a rubber suit running the halls of a hotel trying to make weight. When I start feeling heavy it pisses me off even 40 years later.
What the hay, I'll just throw this out there for whoever. I felt some commonality or something:
My Pectus Excavadum: I get strange looks sometimes when I take off my shirt, or even when wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst when people say, "Oh, you have a hole in your chest." or when kids say, "that man's got boobs". I work out, so I have some pecs, but I don't know if that causes my chest dent to look deeper. I'm bashful by nature, and overcoming this has never been easy. My ex thought it was cute, and she could never understand I'd get weirded out every time she put her hands or fingers there.
My Mildly bow legs and flat feet: It doesn't help with the insecurity thing. Drill Sergeants and the occasional coworker give me crap about my bow legs. It's a real pain to motivate myself to run when they act-up. Still, I persist and overcome. I'm in good shape and tall 6'2" It is a great height for reaching places, and horrible for squeezing into tight places... although, I am quite flexible and have been known to squeeze into moving boxes that look too small for my stature.
My kid's mother and I do not want anything to do with each other. There would be zero you would have to do as a step-mother with her. All our communication is via messaging. I never want to hear that woman's voice again, and I haven't had to for 3 years now. I know her feelings are mutual. That probably sounds harsh, but it has worked out well. I can tell my ex got some help with her own mental health, and is still going. I sought help as well, and am doing just fine without it now.
BTW, my kid is probably one of the sweetest kids you'd ever meet.
I think that is about as much as I can reveal for now without getting too private.
I'm short. My voice sounds like a child. I was raised by introverts, so I feel like my extroversion is burden on others. I am terrified of letting down my many of layers of walls to someone who won't appreciate what's inside. Terrified. Not that I'm not good enough (I'm amazing), but that I'll make a bad judgement call and let myself get hurt.
I have two very deep seated insecurities - 1 about my unattractiveness and the other about my personal worth, just me who I am and if I will ever be truly seen, understood, accepted by another as I am. Without the constant (so it seems in past relationships) criticisms, editing, censoring, condemnation, nitpicking.