Priorities
When embarking on a new relationship what is the accepted priority between the new partner or my children, now grown up but still needing some of my time for various dilemmas?
I perhaps wrongly put my children first and that led to big row with now ex partner. My idea was that children always have priority. Usually just about an hour or so chat regarding something difficult or serious. Sometimes this was when the partner was wanting us to do something else at that time. Big row, sigh...
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5 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.If your partner, new or not, throws tantrums every time your non-adult Children need you, you are Much better off without them! If your adult children are actually manipulating the situation, you need to be stern!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Dec 10, 2018
0
Thanks Anne, thoughtful reply. Well, tantrums it was, but I could see why as he father had died when she was young girl. My children weren’t manipulative, pretty sure anyway.
I get it. I put my kids first while I was still married, but they were 6 and 7 when my ex and I separated. Afterwards, I felt like my time with them was already too limited and could not be sacrificed for anyone.
Once a woman I'd been dating for all of three weeks informed me that I needed to decide what my priorities were because I picked my daughter up instead of meeting her at a bar. I had decided where my priorities were before I met her.
JimG
Level 8
Dec 10, 2018
1
Little children are way different...they should always come first. They have no control over their own lives...adult kids...different situation.
You did the right thing by your children in that case...good for you...
Thanks Jim, I think at that age your children have to be given priority. Right decision re picking your daughter up, still can be stressful though.
@thesnoringman Better off without that abusive manipulator...demands (of Any kind!!!!) after only 3 weeks!??!
JimG:
@AnneWimsey I guess I was lucky that it became obvious that soon.
If you are constantly bailing out your grown adult children, your partners should be concerned...
As well, if they don't respect your time and your privacy, you are sending them some strong red flags...
Emergencies are one thing, but not planned sabotages for selfish purposes...
Take care of yourself, demanding courtesy and respect from all and you will do the right thing to attract and keep prospective partners...
Yes, your children are important...but so are you.
thinktwice
Level 8
Dec 10, 2018
2
Perfectly stated. Grown children are way more problematic than young ones. I have had two relationships destroyed by adult offspring.
@Sticks48 You need to preface that by saying you allowed them to do this...maybe unwittingly at the time, but people can't do things you don't allow...at least you recognized it and hopefully, put a stop to it...
Yes I agree if I constantly did bail them out , but the occasions it happened were for relatively major events in their lives. I still think I would do it again whilst still giving the new partner the majority of my time. I hope I would understand this if the situation was the other way round. Thanks for that thoughtful reply.
@thinktwice It doesn't work that way with women and their children. You just move on. They want to be number one in there life, but in there life you can be 2 or 3. That's the mothers are. No right or wrong here. People feel the way they feel. ☺
@Sticks48 oh--you are correct...for some reason, since I am not a mother, I totally forgot that women do seem to be much worse in letting their adult children run their lives...I have seen many men hurt or lose an other wonderful woman because of the manipulation by her adult kids...I am so sorry...you and the partners deserve better...
@thinktwice I think men and women all have different priorities depending on how they were brought up and their experience of the world. But manipulation is always wrong.
@thinktwice well said, but I suspect my ex girlfriend would say she deserved a lot better ?
@thesnoringman as do you....
Putting your children above a mate is wrong.
Your children grow up and have their own lives.
If you want to grow old with someone....they are going to have to be your #1 priority...they will be the one by your side everyday whilst your children live their own lives.
Spouses/mates should ALWAYS come before children.
SkotlandSkye
Level 8
Dec 10, 2018
2
That’s pretty definite, thanks. I think my life up until now has put children first, especially if there is something major I can help them with. But I see the point re growing old with someone, not sure I really want that, although I have dreamed of such a relationship. Maybe I haven’t met the right woman yet...
You shouldn’t neglect your children but it’s only fair that as they probably wouldn’t want you to continue to run their lives the same should be expected of them.
Be there when they need you but you’re doing yourself no favor by neglecting your needs.
To do so could lead to resentment and that’s never good.
48thRonin
Level 8
Dec 10, 2018
1
Well 48thRonin my children are pretty independent and are for the most part running their own lives. Just sometimes they ask for advice or help. This has led to major problems in the past and I may have made mistakes. The ending of my last relationship was traumatic indeed.
@thesnoringman I’m sorry to here that and hopefully one day all will come together for you.
@48thRonin thanks, appreciate that ?
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