I've had depression since I've been a child and have had the occassional suicidal mentality. However, I always knew, no matter how much I've wanted to leave, that I cannot leave merely for the fact that this life is the only experience of anything I will ever get. Nothing looks convincing that things will get better as I age, however how can I possibly know that? I don't. I must survive somehow. That point on community is something i do envy in religious cultures, however much I disagree with it. In the end, it appears life becomes a shell of existence with no milestone in sight.

I haven't had that time since age 14. I believe in trying to have the best life possible until no life seems the likely conclusion. Then let go. For that reason I bought a gun. It gives me some recourse over a threat but, mostly, gives me the power of saying that the best life possible isn't acceptable.

To bring a positive spin on all this, if I had to pick a time period in my life when I thought being alive was just swell, it would have to be the 90s. Not that there weren't struggles, but it's the decade I got together w/my husband, went back to college which changed my life, and I was also into sports, working out all the time, and hanging out w/friends during a time when other people also seemed to be positive about our country and economy. These are the events I think about when I'm down, and I do believe I can have that feeling again because even since then I've had periods of time when I felt euphoric and positive.

I have a few friends who committed suicide. I was angry with them because they had kids and let themselves be found by their kids, but other than that, I totally understand. I get the struggle that we as humans have in our attempt to understand life. Freud talked about a concept called Thanatos. He mused that along with our desire to stay alive, human beings also had this urge for death, or Thanatos. This urge, Thanatos, causes us to seek the annihilation first of others, and then ourselves.

I think those forces are at work in us most of the time. As a "Nihilist," I have to admit that I have often wondered why I put pup up with all this 'junk" when I could just walk away.

It has definitely crossed my mind, but never in a serious way. Today was an example. I was riding home a passed a dead dear on the side of the road. My heart sank. It was in an area that I lived for about 3 years and I used to see dear at night on my way home. I thought to myself that I had probably seen him before and how sad it is that we are tearing up their homes and essentially leaving them no place to go and then this led to all the suffering in the world and how much I hate it. There just seems to be so much more hate than love in the world right now. I know a lot of that is due to all the news and social media we see. So much negativity! One thing just sparked this wave of emotions and I briefly thought about how nice it would be to not deal with it anymore. Crazy how our minds just takeoff sometimes.

I was diagnosed as bipolar 4 years ago. Yes, I've had those thoughts and then some.
I've had the highs and lows for so long I've grown used to them, I didn't realize I even had this disorder until the shrink told me.
I think a lot of my problems are situational. That is when something 'bad' happens, or I perceive it to be bad, I can make more of it my head and it can last for much longer than it should.
The same can be said for the way I am when something 'good' happens.

Every day, sometimes I'm at home alone and I just think to myself, I wonder if I rigged two toasters to a timer over my bathtub if I could kill myself and then resuscitate myself. Sometimes I'm at work and I see a pair of kitchen shears and I think, I could just jam this in my neck right now and finish my shift early. When I'm in line, no particular line just 'a' line anywhere, and I think, man I bet I could skip the line right now if I just ran head first full speed into this plate glass window. Stuff like that...

I can't say that the mere idea hasn't ever passed my mind but not as a serious consideration. The way i see it atheists have everything to live for & nothing to die for.

If anyone here is in two minds about suicide may I recommend you watch this YouTube video from Jennifer Michael Hecht, author of 'Stay: the Secular Argument Against Suicide'

I just drove for 2 hours thinking of posting something similar. I have been depressed for a while (no suicidal ideation now) but I do sometimes “envy” the arbitrary sense of community and purpose that religion grants. I’ve been looking for a philosophical or psychological answer to the meaning of life, because once I have a why, the how becomes easy for me.

As far as happiness, those high points, for me they’ve always been in moments where I felt a connection with others. Not always romantic, but losing myself at a concert with other people who are even more lost in it than I am. Also working with a team when we’re behind the 8 ball and everyone pulls together, I somehow feel like part of something bigger, not in a spiritual sense, but in a connected sense. Now, as a single work at home computer programmer in a city with no real support network within 45 minutes, it’s hard and I just survive on concerts.