Agnostic.com

14 1

Fathers and daughters

Those in the psychology field would likely tell us that a father's role is huge in his daughters life and that she is likely to marry someone just like her father. What role did your father play in your family? Did that work for you? What was your relationship like with your father? What was his best attribute? What could he have done better? Did you marry someone just like him? Why did it succeed or fail?

I know its a lot of questions rolled up in one post and I can imagine this is a very personal topic. Thanks for sharing whatever you can.

beenthere 7 Dec 26
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

14 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

Unfortunately my dad was a pedophile , beat us with belt buckles, & mean bastard who talked me into picking up a live BBQ coal, among other delights. And yes, both ex's were versions of him, as was last, seemingly better, boyfriend...but Nooooooo. I did however drop all of them, eventually

1

My ex (father of my children) is NOTHING like my father. My dad was abusive and ignorant as hell. My ex is highly intelligent, and condescending. My dad told me he would not support me going to college, I didn't need college, I should just get married and have babies. I joined the Army instead. My ex was a good dad most of the time, not always available to the kids. He did push for them to go to college, to get a good skill for life. The thing that I'd emphasize is kids take an enormous amount of time and usually when it is most inconvenient. I had good conversations with my teenaged daughters late in the evenings. That is when I found out what was really on their minds.

0

My father was abusive - my subsequent stepfathers were abusive - I married someone abusive. I'm finally free of that cycle. Nobody will ever be able to abuse me again.

What was my relationship with my father --- I falsely worshiped him. I didn't understand what a jerk he was until much later.

Best attributes? They all were extremely intelligent. Also artistic ( my father was a somewhat famous musician and painter and my brother's father was a writer).

Did you marry someone just like him? Why did it succeed or fail?

It worked for 25 years. The last two were pretty horrific. He left me Oct 2017 and it was not my choice, but now I am so glad he did. I have learned to enjoy myself more than I ever did. I struggle sometimes ( especially this season) but I'm dealing.

I have a close relationship with my brother and he is a very good father and husband. He did not follow anyone's example and fall into that trap. I never had kids.For that I am also glad.

0

Movies love a dad with no mom in sight.

[slate.com]

0

I always told my daughter to go to college and find a husband with prospects. She did....

1

That is a lot of questions. I probably won't remember all of them, but here goes.

I got on with my dad a lot better than with my mother, but even that wasn't too well when you step back and look at it. I don't know what role he felt he had but to me it seemed like he was playing peacekeeper--just enforcing my mother's crazy in order to keep things quiet. I really think he should have divorced her because she was abusive to him, too, but they were of a generation that Just Didn't Do That. That said, I know his sense of humour and love of technology kinda rubbed off on me.

As to marrying someone like my dad, I'm a lesbian so probably not.

1

I am the father of a 43 yo daughter. When she was born I saw that there was no bonding between her mother and daughter so I ended up being both parents. Unfortunately, I hadn't a clue and became more of a friend than father (except for things like changing diapers, cooking, dressing and some minor discipline - she was an easy child). When she was 7 my wife ran off with another and took our daughter and moved halfway around the globe. For 4 years I didn't see her but did communicate and send gifts for special days. Then I made a trip to the U.S. and I and my new partner got to see her (she was 12). Later she traveled to Europe each summer for a month with us and when we returned to Seattle she would visit often. At one point we asked her to live with us and she did. Unfortunately, her parents had screwed up her mind so much she rejected everything we had to offer and even ran away once and we discovered that she was planning on taking the 2nd car and run away to be with a toxic boyfriend in E. Wash. We had little choice but to send her back to her mom. I didn't hear from her for 20 years (we looked a lot but had no idea where she was or if she had changed her name). She finally contacted us in 2013 and came to the island. She has overcome most of the problems of the past and we now have a wonderful relationship. She is married with 2 kids (one is 22 and not exactly a kid). However, her husband is nothing like me (and she is not so happy in the relationship either). BTW I asked her about her boyfriend and she said moving back to S. Calif. broke the link between them. Years later she met him and said he had gotten into selling drugs. I realized the pain of 20 years had some value.

0

You are correct. Your post has too many questions and is too personal. Why don't you research father-daughter issues instead?

There are myriad articles and books on the importance of the father-daughter relationships.

[sheknows.com]

There are a great many how to articles and I appreciate your hyperlinks. I am extremely humbled by everyone here that has shared their story.

1

My father is extremely difficult to talk to and distant. I feel we have a lot in common, but the relationship is just non-existent. When I was younger, I felt that this , plus my parent's divorce didnt affect me, but the older I get, the more willing I am to accept that the lack of a family/home and a relationship with him has definitely changed the person I am and how I interact with others.

I'm way into ddlg, and while in my mind, the two things are absolutely and completely separate, I'm sure a psychologist would have something to say about that. XD

RezZa Level 5 Dec 26, 2018
3

I spent most of my twenties and thirties as one of those women with "daddy issues" because my father was a miserable, mean human being. It was destructive to my ability to form healthy relationships with men, but I was at least wise enough to steer clear of people like him. Most of my relationships have been with men who are nothing like my father. Now he's old and frail. I've done the work I needed to do to forgive him, and I feel content and happy. At 51, I'm ready to be a great partner for someone. I hope it isn't too late to find him.

2

My daughter turned out wonderful as did my two sons. I love her and she loves me. Those kids survived viewing a tumultuous relationship between their mother and father. They are extremely tight siblings. I never put anything on them, but kids always know and always feel. I was lucky to have worked at the same school my kids attended. Private pre through 12th, so we were together a lot.
I don't feel I did well, but others say I did. The kids say I did.
That's it for my gut spilling. Only thing: she is a full grown slightly workaholic, very adventurous woman, who remains my little baby, and both of us and her bros know she has me wrapped around her little finger.

2

My dad was amazing. We were incredibly close and very similar people. He was far more educated than I will ever be but he was so down to earth. Unfortunately he traveled extensively with his work and I missed him so much. We had a lot in common and took advantage of that quality time.
He was a wonderful support and provider. We had a different relationship than my sisters did. Whereas, they we closer to my mother.

If you don't mind me asking, what was your birth order?

@beenthere fourth of five daughters

@Green_eyes What do you think made the difference?

@beenthere honestly, we just had the most in common. I’m not a girly girl. I like fast cars and sports, science..kinda like the son he never had maybe

3

My father is a man who has never been a successful parent.
He's never been much more than a glorified sperm donor.

I do not say that with bitterness or resentment, just clear-eyed realism, and the benefit of age and experience.
He was never equipped to be active, present, or engaged, for longer than the length of a periodic phone call.

Not everyone is meant to be a parent.

5

Since I'm neither a father nor a daughter I have nothing of value to offer this thread and that makes me sad. 😟

That's okay. We still like you anyway.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:252421
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.