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What is “worse” to you – being lied to spare your feelings, or being told the truth when the truth itself hurts?

This is specifically regarding a good friend (whatever you take that to mean – an acquaintance, your closest friend, your significant other, etc.), and can be about any situation (important or minuscule).

For myself, I’m definitely a truth person … I would rather have a person hurt me now by telling me the truth … at least I know they are being honest and are treating me with a certain level of respect.

I hate it when I either feel like a person is lying to me to spare my feelings (no matter how well-intentioned they are) as it causes me to question everything regarding them – our friendship, wondering if they have lied to me before, and will they lie again … I tend to be mistrustful and extremely skeptical to begin with (particularly when it comes to friendships/relationships), so when I feel I have been lied to in some type of capacity – even something that is designed to spare my feelings – it sets off alarm bells that this person can not be trusted… and hence I tend to emotionally retreat and avoid them …

I wonder if I’m the only person who is like this, if it’s an adaptive strategy to protect myself from those who are not truly trustworthy, or if it’s part of my attachment issue walls that I have built around myself and am keeping good people out?

  • 51 votes
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evestrat 8 Feb 24
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43 comments

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8

I totally agree with you on this. I hate being lied to for any reason, even if it's to spare my feelings.

6

Truth over lies no matter how much it hurts. When I find out I have been lied too, it hurts way more than the actual truth will everytime.

Sacha Level 7 Feb 24, 2018
6

Being lied to.
This is the reason I have trust issues. I've had an S/O cheat on me. Even though it would have hurt if she had been up front and we ended it there (which happened anyway) I would prefer the truth.
I don't think I'll ever understand the concept of cheating on someone. Why bother?
If the relationship is so bad that you feel the need to cheat, then get the hell out of it.

@evestrat Thanks, it's ok, I've learned to give a person the benefit of the doubt for the most part again. If any red flags go up, I address them point blank.

I don't think that cheating reflects anything wrong with the relationship. It is something wrong with the other person.

@Stephanie99 I meant that if the relationship felt so bad to a person they should get out rather than cheating.

@Paul628 I agree. Cheating only makes a bad relationship worse

6

It is denigrating to be lied to to spare feelings. How does someone else know how well I can deal with truth? You need to be able to trust people. An attachment issue with liars is healthy.

6

Falsehoods are more destructive; doubly so. For the sense that the other person thinks so little of you; and secondly that they would misinform you period.

5

Lies are definitely worse, but there should also be a skill level to truth-telling. If just shooting me a glance communicates the truth, that's preferable to being told aloud in front of a group of people that I just said the dumbest thing you've heard all day. If one can avoid it until a better time "Let's talk about that later" works fine - but do talk about it later - don't "forget" what you were going to say. But certainly if you say something too gently for me to understand, or if you aren't sure I'm getting the message, be as blunt as necessary. Just don't go for public humiliation first.

@evestrat Tact kindness, respect and TIMING. Also, prioritizing. Some things just don't matter that much in what passes for the great scheme of things.

5

Lying is a waste of everyone's time.

5

Lied to definitely.

4

A white lie is fine but other lies have to last forever and you're going to find out anyway which to me is worse as there's then its more than a lie.

yes, I can @evestrat, my sister and her family saved up for ages to have a holiday abroad. right in the middle of there holiday, there house got burgled. we lied when they asked if everything was ok because it would have spoilt their holiday and we had the house secure anyway. obviously, they found out when they got back but had a full great holiday still. also if you want to surprise someone you have to tell a white lie sometimes.

3

I prefer the truth, for all the reasons stated in the posts below. However, I also try to remember that nothing is black and white. I try to understand why I was lied to: was it self-serving on their part, did they do it to injure me in some way, or did they do it in a misguided attempt to spare my feelings, was it personal and meant to be insulting? None of these reasons justifies lying to me, imo, but it does help me understand why, and the reason(s) for the lie(s) helps me decide how to deal with it and the person. Sometimes, it's just not personal--in fact, I would think that most of the time it has more to do with the person lying than with me.

marga Level 7 Feb 25, 2018
3

I really don't like being lied to, but also sometimes people just need to use a bit of good sense and diplomacy.

Some people wield the truth like a weapon. Take some time and consider how to frame it best, but don't lie.

Also, humans lie A LOT, even without knowing it.

@evestrat My best friend had to learn tactfulness, and it took a long time to teach him! (Friends since 2nd grade!)

3

My vote for which is worse is being lied to in order to spare feelings. That being said, how the truth is told also matters. The tone of voice can carry a lot of weight.

3

I hate lies but I must say that at times just keeping one's mouth shut is better than either.

gearl Level 8 Feb 24, 2018
3

I think lying leaves more room for larger and even worse problems, plus I care about truth no matter how harsh it may be.

3

The truth. Always. When it's delivered from a place of love, it doesn't hurt. As much.

2

There's lies, and then there's lies ...

" oh yeah, I read that email you sent " (when they really didn't and have to fudge their responses regarding it )

Is mighty different from : " I've stopped seeing my ex, and it's all over now ... "

Important stuff ? I'll take truth every time !

2

Whenever I find out I have been lied to not only do I feel hurt/angry/sad over whatever the lie was about but I also feel stupid.....everyone knew but me???? I feel that the person who has lied to me has had some power over me. That said, I do believe there is a place and time for 'white' lies...such as the example given (not telling someone their house has been burglarized while they are on vacation).

2

Hmm… I'm going to go slightly against consensus and say that in some cases I'd prefer the lie, or at least a spin on the truth. If it's obvious I'm feeling insecure about something, for argument let's say a presentation where I was especially nervous, a lie that I did "pretty well" might help me relax the next time, while the unvarnished truth might make me even more self conscious. Sometimes what people want or need is support and reassurance rather than honest criticism. And other times they absolutely need to hear the truth for their own sake. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all approach for all people and all circumstances.

@evestrat if what I need is confidence, then telling me I need more confidence isn't likely to help and is far more likely to make me self-conscious and make matters worse. If I ask a friend if I was stammering too much throughout, and as it happens I totally was, I'm not going to be less nervous next time if they tell me, however kindly and constructively, that I was barely coherent. But if they say, "No, it wasn't as bad as you think. I don't think anyone realized you were nervous," I'm less likely to feel nervous next time, and I'll do better, and my confidence will grow. And if I learn later that my friend lied to me, I'm not going to be upset, because I'll understand that what I needed was that boost of confidence to improve and succeed. Again, though, it wouldn't be appropriate in every circumstance.

@evestrat Oh, I think constructive criticism is useful for sure. I wouldn't lie to someone if their problem seemed to be something like pacing or projection, but I think there are some things where the lie actually helps someone overcome a problem.

2

Being the youngest of 5, my family feels that I Still need to be " protected" from painful situations or deaths..considering how much I've been through you'd think they'd realize I'm capable of handling it....but No..to them I'm still the baby....uuuugh!

@evestrat irritating is a nice way to put it!!!

2

I would take the hard truth and move past it...any old day of the week! In fact, I have been making an observation about myself, when people keep stuff in order to spare my feelings and I found it caused me to feel a loss of confidence...some kind of weakness! Like having a rug pulled...from under me. In other words, I am not strengthened at all!

1

I just realized I voted wrong. I would rather be told the truth

1

I cannot think of a situation I would actually prefer a comforting lie to a painful truth.

1

I'm actually surprised at the results of the poll. I'm a "tell it to me straight" kind-of guy.

There's nothing worse than finding out later that you've been lied to because of one reason or another. A lie to me concerns me - otherwise it wouldn't be a lie. Therefore, others lying to me removes me from whatever situation the lie is about. That removes my ability to act appropriately in regards to that situation.

Anyway, there's nothing worse than that EXCEPT for catching someone out in that sort of lie.

Indeed. I am not too puzzled by this though. The reality testing of a great many here does not seem all that good. Preference wins over argument or truth.

@evestrat a little confusing. I had to make a correction statement

@CapriKious @evestrat @btroje O.M.G. I totally read the question incorrectly. For some reason I thought it read "Which do you PREFER." My bad. Carry on. 😳

1

They both suck equally.

1

Being lied to for any reason.

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