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Can a "normal" upper middle class blue/white collar person truly love a mentally ill disabled person?

LadyAlyxandrea 8 Feb 27

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I think so. I've been in relationships with people who suffered severe depression and I know people with schizophrenia who have been in relationships with people who aren't. It can be incredibly hard and testing, but love overcomes so much.

Jnei Level 8 Feb 27, 2018

My late wife was schizophrenic. She was high functioning, there were challenges. After ten years I still miss her every day.

That is so sweet

2 of my dearest friends were schizophrenic. They both happened to be really sweet wonderful people.


In my opinion "normal" doesn't exist. What one defines as normal, others might find absurd. Normal is completely subjective.


I definitely believe that the answer is “Yes” when you finally meet the person who understands and embraces your craziness or disability, Love has a very good chance of success. We all have baggage as adults in this life. Loving someone means understanding the pain they have been through, and through patience and honest actions, helping each other move forward together in life.


I don't know what class has to do with it, but I see no reason why not, depending on the people involved.



Betty Level 7 Feb 27, 2018

We are all imperfect. It’s not a case of can, but will you. Prejudice comes in many forms. Not all taught. But mental issues can be trying on partners and loved one. Love is one of those things that can conquer just about anything.


What is the story behind this question?

Sacha Level 7 Feb 27, 2018

My brother has autism, and he wanted to know if someone that didn't have mental illness could love him

@LadyAlyxandrea Ahhh 🙂 Of course, more than one person could love him

@LadyAlyxandrea Did you ever head of Lionel Messi? He has a lovely wife (rich on her own right) , two kids and his mental condition -Asperger- didn't stop him from becoming the # 1 soccer player on the world, and to have a fortune of about 500 millions dollars.


I think so. In my experience, reason and logic don’t come into play when it comes to love.


I hope so.


Why not? Love is many things, logical is generally not one of them!


A better question might be if you love a "normal" upper middle class blue/white collar person are you mentally ill or disabled?


Anyone can be loved regardless. Most people can feel love for others. (But not all!)


People who claim to be "Normal" are the most mentally ill out there. If they cannot love someone who doesn't conform to their needs, then they're towels. "You're not like the rest of us. I just want a family of clones who'll grow up to accomplish nothing more than flushing their feces into a river."

When you know what someone means when they say normal, and still go on some tangent that normal doesn't exist and that people who call themselves normal are psychotic I find it just pedantic. Those who dwell on semantics purely for the feel of moral or educational superiority while simultaneously belittling others.

It's like those people that argue "it's not blue it's turquoise"

@LadyAlyxandrea I never know what people mean when they say normal. I find it varies from person to person. What I once thought was perfectly normal, turned out to be perfectly strange to other I discovered. Like people who use the phrase "potato salad". What part of that dish is a salad? I have no idea. Yet, it's considered, "Normal". I once thought avoiding small talk was "normal". People find comfort in conformity. Is that normal?

Also, turquoise is under the joint custody of a divorced blue and green. Granted, Green only gets custody like two weeks out of the year. Kind of like how Pink is the love-child of Red and White, but Maroon is like the step child with Purple no one talks about.


Well supposedly true love has no boundaries.


Anything is possible in theory but I tend to not want to front-load important relationships with built-in issues. As it is, there's always the chance your partner could become physically or mentally ill and effectively not be the fully participating person you started out knowing.

There is also the practical matter that if you want children, you want a good gene donor for that enterprise, and, again -- you don't want to front-load that with known problems and near-guaranteed suffering -- not just for yourself, but for your partner and any children in the mix. Take it from someone who has borne witness to way too much suffering, you don't want any more of that going on than is absolutely necessary.

My attitude is that whatever you want to say about life, it's difficult and does not come with guarantees, so you don't want to borrow trouble.

On the other hand, some mentally challenged people are incredibly sweet, kind and naturally happy -- people with Down's Syndrome come easily to mind, they are my favorite employees at the local grocer that makes a point of hiring people with mild Down's and autism. So it isn't necessarily true that a person with such limitations could not contribute something to a relationship. Would the power dynamics work out? They might, or they might not, but I suppose you can say that about any relationship where one person is, perhaps through no choice of their own, somewhat dependent on the good will of the other, less challenged partner. If the non-challenged partner does not feel like they're taking care of a child, then it could work out. But there's probably a reason for example that the autistic bagger at the store I mentioned, has an autistic girlfriend. Balanced power dynamic, similar and relatable experiences and perceptions, similar prospects, etc.

There are ways to have children without passing on negative genetic problems. I'm a major fan of surrogacy and adoption (being adopted myself I actively push for it) and there's also egg or sperm donation.

As for the dynamic, I know people with mental illness tend to date their own kind or similar, but I feel like that also has a risk of exacerbating or causing other problems. In a recent example I knew a woman with very high functioning schizo effective disorder. She rarely had real problems blending in with regular people except occassionally she would have a hallucination here or there or she would get over stimulated and have to remove herself or she'd start acting weird. For her, what she needed from her partner was stability and safety. Someone who could keep her calm and level headed but also handle it if she got aggravated or slightly odd. She hated dating other people with mental illness (not like mild illness) because she always ended up being the caregiver and nanny to their problems, and it stressed her out. She wanted to focus on her own problems and not constantly take care of her SOs. She ended up alone for a long long time.

@LadyAlyxandrea Yes and adoption is not just something to strongly consider for couples where one or both partners have mental health issues, but with mentally healthy couples who have one or more parents with significant mental health issues.

@mordant is what you're saying suggesting a person with mental illness is not capable of being a good parent and therefore should not adopt for the child's sake?

@LadyAlyxandrea Nope. Just that it's in my view responsible and kind to minimize potential human suffering where possible by adopting rather than having natural born children in those instances where you might pass on severe mental illness genetically. Of course, the degree of visibility into the family history of an adopted child can vary too, and it's up to every person to weigh those risks for themselves.

If I thought mentally ill people "can't" be good parents I would not be suggesting that they adopt, rather, I'd be suggesting they not raise any sort of child. In point of fact I'm suggesting there are scenarios where the parent is (1) not mentally ill AND/OR (2) a good parent and you can still up with a severely mentally ill child.

Also I'm talking about severe mental illness, things that involve psychotic breaks. I know someone for example whose mother had psychotic breaks, probably because of undiagnosed bipolar, and who did a few really nasty things to them as a child -- locking them out of the house naked, for example -- which was sufficient to instill various dysfunction in their adult selves. It was a nonzero cost for them to overcome that, even though they did so successfully.

I understand that some of the national discourse on these topics, such as the desire to keep the mentally ill from owning guns, as if they are more violent than the general population when in fact they are not -- does them a disservice. But walking on egg shells and not talking about it at all does them and others a disservice too.

@mordant, Autism and Down Syndrome are not mental illnesses. Both are considered developmental disabilities, and there is a great deal of variation in abilities.

I know several Autistic adults who are biological parents, their children also vary in ability level.


Yes, if the loving bond formed before the advent of mental illness and disability. It might require, however, loving them 'from afar'. 😉


I don’t think you control who you fall in love with. The heart wants what the heart wants. But with that said some times love isn’t enough.

You are right there. I think I waited too long to get out. 35 years and when she goes off it's with the worst name calling and nastiness as though she was back at the beginning and has learned nothing in all that time even with drugs and therapy.


With a heart of gold perhaps . Not for me though. I am way too thin skinned or shallow if you will


Yes, I know this to be true, but the better question is can they truly love you? I mean are they mentally healthy enough to be able to love and support. Some are and some are definitely not. This is where people have problems with narcissists I think.


I don't think it's a question of whether or not they can love that person. I think the question is, can they tolerate, or endure the many challenges that go with that. I don't think "love" means that you can necessarily handle everything that comes your way. I can certainly love someone, and want what's best for them, but it's safe to assume that "I" may not be what's best for them, simply because I'm not able to deal with certain challenges they present.

If you try doing a thought experiment, thinking ahead to all of the many challenges that are ahead, how do you think you react to them? Do they seem workable?


Of course.


Ck out Borderline Personality Disorder. You can but it will cost you in pain and heartbreak. We been together 35 years and it's only gotten slightly better. In the meantime I lost me while cleaing up the trouble her illness causes and keeping body and soul together. I am at the end. Got maybe 15 years left and don't want to be doing this for another 15 years. On the other hand it breaks my heart that to have a life free fom stress and uproar and trouble I have to leave.

My mother is Borderline, I sympathize. I'm Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.


Only if the sex is fantastic.


Years ago I was on a business trip in a new city. I'm now retired. I was relaxing at a table in the hotel bar. I no longer drink any alcohol. A woman came in in a wheel chair with an old woman in a nurse type outfit. She asked if she could wheel up at my table since I was alone. we had an interesting conversation and she bought me a couple of drinks. Then she said to me..."I'm horny...lets go to my house." I followed her home ...she had a beautiful large home...The nurse helped her undress and helped her into bed. Sex was a little different ....but it was incredible...You can have great sex with a handicapped person.

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