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Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you were no longer in love with?

JVee 4 Mar 1

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23 comments

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11

The worst is when you still really care about them and like them and want the best for them, but just lost that loving feeling. Woah woah woah....woooah uh oh.

That’s EXACTLY what I’m going through...oh my.

@JVee ARGH!! That is the worst. Do they know? Normally, I find they don't directly know, or more than likely are in denial. And it isn't just about not hurting their feelings, it is also about the back and forth sadness of a relationship sputtering out as opposed to just ending mutually or even one sided. They ask you to try again, you cave, cycle begins again...I think I am have PTSD right now thinking about it.

8

All the time. I feel at that point it's better to just end it because it isn't fair to either of you

Sooo very true

7

Yes, last 4 or 5 years of my marriage were like that. Very challenging. I was trying to stay for the kids and we also had a lot of debt. Finally decided that I wasn't being as good of a mom as I could be because I was so depressed and trapped in a loveless marriage. It was a really long process. The divorce was finalized almost 3 years after I first brought it up. Really awkward part was we slept in the same bed up until the day I moved out. Amazing how much space a queen size bed has when each person is as close to the edge as possible. Thankfully the divorce was super amicable and we get along and coparent really well. In fact, we're having dinner Saturday with our girls since our oldest will be home from college.

Sounds like me. No kids but the rest is very similar. I moved to the guest room a couple of years before the end. We were business partners and great friends - but we'd grown apart in just about every other way. We are still friends, because his issues were not my issues, and he never set out to hurt me. Like the Dave Mason song says "there ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy. There's only you and me, and we just disagree."

@poetdi56 I think part of me is still a little hurt and angry. I thought I was over it years ago but it's hard wondering why I wasn't "good enough" to fight for. There was so little he would have had to do to keep me. Oh well, I am much happier now single than I have been in probably 15 years. I'm very grateful everything was so amicable as well. We didn't use attorneys so our divorce cost a whopping $377.

6

Yes. As some others have written about their experiences, I wasn't really in love with the guy to begin with. I cared about him, but wasn't in love with him. He was a very needy, emotionally insecure guy and I have to admit, I was feeling kind of emotionally insecure myself at the time. Even though my radar was telling me to move on, I fell into his pattern of neediness and allowed the relationship to continue. After several months, though, I realized I wasn't being honest with myself and knew I had to end the relationship. It took me some time to work up the courage to end it because I knew the guy would react badly, which he did. He cried in my car for nearly 2 hours when I told him. He was in my car because I was driving him home after our last date, which I had to do because he didn't have his own car, having let his previous girlfriend use him financially and take his car. ...All of which is to say the guy was a mess and it was better for me to move on, but I hated hurting his feelings to do it. I felt justified a few days later, however, when the guy's behavior turned stalker-y and he left over 50 messages on my phone. I sent him an e-mail, clearly telling him to stop calling and re-explained why I needed to move on. A few days later, I received an e-mail from him, telling me he'd showed my e-mail to a client at work who happened to be a therapist, and she told him I was a narcissist. I blew up. How dare he show a private communication between us to a client? I called and left a very heated message for him, making it very clear that he'd crossed a line and I wanted no further contact with him via phone or e-mail. I think I was forceful enough that he got the message and I didn't hear from him again, but not after he'd seriously made me re-think my personal judgment skills. I should have followed my instincts from the beginning and avoided him, but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

5

Yes. The trust had gone and, before too long, the love went with it; but I kept on trying hoping it'd come back. Of course, it never did.

Jnei Level 8 Mar 1, 2018

Yup - me too - I kept hoping and trying....but it takes two.... I could not salvage things on my own. Once trust is gone....it's pretty much over.

@LizBeth Yes, I think you're right. I'd probably still be trying now - except my partner had a second affair and left me, so in a way I was lucky otherwise I might have wasted the rest of my life trying!

@Jnei I spent far too much time trying - going to marriage counseling (for over 2 years) while he was continuing the affair (unbeknownst to me - I thought it was over).... I will never understand people who lie..... He finally left me too....just not soon enough!

@LizBeth Onward and upward! 🙂

4

Ironically, I'm not sure we were ever in love, but at first it was physical, and then we were just too afraid to be alone. When it finally ended, I was more glad than sad, because I felt free for the first time in seven years (that's how long we were together).

4

Lived in a marriage that way for a long time with the belief that you had to fix it. I am sure that belief was tied to my Catholic upbringing. Divorced made life better for everyone involved.

3

Many times! Been there, done that. I had a very difficult time ending things. But now that I'm 73 years old, I could care less. I have my greyhound, I live alone, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. No more putting up with other people's crap!

3

Yes. In fact, I'm in the process of divorcing from them as I've fallen in love with two other people and life is too short to stay with someone when neither of you is happy with that. We struggled together for years and couldn't reconnect romantically, so it was time to move on.

3

Currently trying to get out of that exact situation but unable to make a clean break because of financial reasons. Couldn't live with her 'stuckness' -among other things. I cannot change anyone else but me and I'm too old to put up with this shit any longer than I already have.

2

All the time. You don't have to be in love.

2

Yes MA'AM!! I spent several years in the company of a young lady who I wasnt in love with. We both knew it but carried the relationship until we both grew tired of the burden. Now we are the best of friends, who on occasion meet for getaways.

2

No, but my ex-wife has.

2

Yes I have.

2

Im not sure I was in love with most of them to start with.

2
1

Still am in so far as loving each other as best of friends. The love of my life, eight years younger, now has a primary and intimate relationship with a man who is a great guy and better suited for her than I as a mate. I like, respect and hold him in high esteem.

We all go out places together as three or sometimes four, if I invite a lady along. She and I will also get together, 'hang out' etc. She has a disabled son (Down Syndrome) and he is like a son to me. When either she alone or they together want to go away, I delight in watching over him.

In both familial and social relationships people place far too many judgments and controls upon one another and thereby miss a lot in life.

1

All three of my engagements and in just a few others, never long in the latter.

After the three engagements I no longer felt compelled to try to "fall back in love".

0

Multiple times

0

Yes, myself.

0

Not enough room for My story ( LOL ) Knew I wasn't in love and married anyway. Together for 6 years. No regrets. I have a great son out of that relationship. And.....for the last 12 years I have been with someone who I have never been in love with ( he knows ) but we have a great life together and cannot seem to break it off. ( We live 100 miles away from eachother ) It is one of those extremly complicated situations. Also, I am free to look elsewhere but can't get myself to date even though I know I should.

0

Yes, and it was a very messy situation. He was abusive and cohabitation made it hard for me to get out of the relationship. I hated him, but feared what would happen if I tried to escape. Thankful I made it out. It was torture.

0

No. I can be miserable alone

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