Agnostic.com

20 18

What are you looking for? If you're dating at all you know that's a question that comes up a lot. The dating apps ask you. Each conversational partner asks you.My answer is apparently deceptively simple. I'm in search of a partner who's respectful,smart, funny and kind. Folks who are none of these things seem to think it applies to them. I think there's a miscommunication here so I'm going to elaborate.

We'll start with respectful. Holding doors and pulling out chairs and such are all very nice things to do. I'm certainly not going to complain about people who do those things but that's not respect.
Respect is understanding that someone is smart and capable enough to make her own decisions. It's really listening to what she says and not attempting to redefine or argue what she says she wants or doesn't want.

Smart is self explanatory but generally if you don't read or otherwise make an effort to learn continually,you're probably not my definition of smart. Funny is pretty subjective. I suppose as long as you're willing to laugh at yourself,you fit the bill.

Kind seems to be where a lot of people get hung up. Kind is not nice. People are "nice"when they want something. Even if that something is simply for people to like them. At its heart, "nice" is dishonest. Kind on the other hand is the genuine wish not to do harm. Kind people are pleasant to wait staff and scruffy homeless people. Kind people don't condemn others for their differences.

It's too bad I can't put this on my dating profiles. I'm afraid that there's not enough room and people wouldn't think I was nice,though.

OpposingOpposum 9 Mar 1
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

20 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

Well, I'll be honest, a quality that is not always appreciated even though people claim they do. I am looking for a sexual partner. Since I am straight, that means a woman to have sex with. But that does not mean I am looking for a "hook-up". Far from it. You see, if I am going to get naked with someone, if I am going to expose all of my emotional vulnerabilities and fears to them, I have to trust them. A LOT. I have to know they are trustworthy. You can't tell that just by looking at someone. You have to get to know them, first.

And I am not particularly interested in short-term affairs. Because if I want to be intimate with someone, I don't want it to be just once, or twice, or 10 times. It's hard to get to that place where you share everything you are. Who wants to change where they live once a week? Doesn't it seem more sane to, once having found a place where you are comfortable, explore its possibilities? When I make love to a woman, I want her to FEEL it. If it were just the physical release, hey-I don't even need another person for that. I want to share my heart, that ancient yearning for the home we once knew, the bliss of the womb. Anything less is unsatisfying.

Perhaps it doesn't seem like it, but this SUBSUMES all these "other" qualities. I am not going to trust an unkind person. I am not going to want to be with a joyless person, when joy is what I want to share. I am not going to want to be with a person who is not smart, or AWARE enough, to see I want the real deal, and not some tawdry substitute. I won't even be interested. Because I am not going to spell it out for you, I am just going to BE who I am. If you can't figure it out, I'll keep looking. Time, and a lifetime of experience are on my side.

As far as respect goes, if someone has the heart to meet me in kind, I am going to respect them, because they respect me. And I do not want to say: hey, if you are respectful, kind and smart, I'll be your life partner, even though you do not turn me on in the least. A friend of mine put it this way: you never fall in love with someone you are unwilling to sleep with.

This is not what I say to people when I first meet them. In fact, I think the questions asked on dating sites are totally off the mark. I'm not looking for a ROOMMATE, I am looking for a lover.

1

I think people that are overly nice are up to something... like that person who always has an upbeat voice. as far as opening a door for someone - that's considerate. when somebody goes in a door and there are people behind them and they only open it up enough to slide thru - what would you call that? I usually think to myself, "asshole"

0

I don't and never have had a laundry list of requirements. You meet someone and something is there or it's not. It ain't that complicated.

Good for you.

1

LOVE this comment.

2

I'm old. I am constantly looking for my phone, my keys, and where I parked my car.

Bahaha haha. I'm only relatively old and I'm already living that life. I have put dishes in the refrigerator instead of the cabinet before.

@Blindbird You can find your refrigerator?

@Sticks48 it's USUALLY in the kitchen...

@Blindbird That is the operative word, Usually.

i spend half my time looking for crap... i looked for my glasses forever the other day (just got new ones and got 4 pair - just in case - so i wasn't looking blindly this time).... i finally found them in the trash can.

5

Last week, I gave a guy panhandling $20. The first time I saw him, I drove right by him, I was on my way to an appointment, and I couldn't stop.

I saw him again, on my way back. I also drove by him then, too. And then it got to bugging me. So, I pulled into a restaurant parking lot, and walked back to him. He was standing on a lane divider on a busy street, on a cold snowy day. I had to laugh when I saw his sign:

"Flux capacitor boke down, need a new one."

I told him, "It's cold out here, brother, get something warm."

So, you know, one thing we forget, is that no matter how WE see things, it's different to be someone else. I find it hard to judge people. I've been wealthy, and I've been dirt poor, and I've been the same person inside. And people have treated me differently, and it makes me think the whole thing is a sham, the world we see is not what is there. On the inside of each of us, it's different.

So that asshole who cut you off in traffic, might have just had a bad fight with his wife, which is hurting him because he loves her. And if you flip him off, who are you helping?

Yeah, I've always thought you never know what's going on with a person. I've also thought that that guy never would have said or did that if he knew what was going on with me.

i like to ask them if they want a beer... i'll give them a beer. but if they say they don't drink, i'll happily give them a dollar or few. last time a homeless guy came up to me i was working and he asked if there was something he could do. he had really bowed legs so i thought he can't run too fast (i use high-dollar equipment) so i said i'd give him $10 if he wanted to help me for an hour or so. he said yes. he was telling me about eating from the trash can at some nearby restaurants and was talking about a few other things.. and, of course, he brought up jesus.. but anyway i ended up giving him $20.

4

One thing that bugs me about dating is the levels of hypocrisy that you come across. I met someone IRL who complained at length about women who post old pictures of before they gained weight. Then when he met them they were much heavier. My pictures are within the past year and I'm 5'5" 120 lbs. He, however, must have had 10 year old pictures. I didn't even recognize him.

I can relate to both sides.

I had that same thing happen! The guy didn't believe that my pictures were current but when we met he was much heavier and much older looking. I didn't think it was even the same person.

0

I am not kind to our religious enemies. ....I never assume believers are our enemies even sitting in the pews hearing the enemy preach. ...that's my eternal optomism @ work as a lifelong politician. ...I find humor wit and laughter everywhere except in the timid closets of Atheists who cower away from theocracy and the threats of faith. ....the woman I seek wants my back as I want hers. ...safely 360° sharing the same vision: PEACE THROUGH GREEN JOBS

3

I agree with you Blindbird. I'm on a dating site where it asks if you think that you are smarter than most people. Almost everyone says yes. At an employment workshop almost everyone said they were good critical thinkers. Even those looking for employment in pseudo science fields. Nice can mean capable of manipulating people into doing what you want. It's hard not to get jaded and give up. I'm sure that there are some good choices out there. It takes time and patience.

1

In all honesty...
I'm not even sure any more.

1

BRAVO! Those simple traits are building blocks of the kind of integrity and personality that I desire to be around. You should absolutely be comfortable with this on your profile. Those who share your views will enjoy your transparency on this matter. Those who don't fit the description will become transparent soon enough. Those who think it comes across as "nice" are probably more cynical than what you're looking for, anyhow.

1

I think when it comes to dating, as I'm beginning to understand for myself, you'll know it when you see it and feel it. And when the right person comes along, it's almost like they found you. Meanwhile, knowing what you want keeps you from wasting your time with someone who doesn't feel right.

2

I would totally put this on your profile...maybe it well help weed some people out, but it's nice to know someone's expectations and if you can meet them...it's also nice to see who really reads your profile!

I agree!

3

I just want someone who makes me feel giddy and happy and comfortable

0

You can be kind but be kind and not a sucker

1

A lady I knew, used to say "I'd rather be kind than right". She was the type who if someone felt she'd wronged them in some way, she would apologize even if she hadn't wronged them. I learned a lot from her. Being "right" doesn't really mean a lot anyway.

3

I like to think that I am a kind person. If even only a few people conect on here, Agnostic.com has done some good.

2

I don't quite agree with your definitions for kind and nice.

Here is more like I think it goes...

Being "nice" is a course of action, it does not ascribe any specific reason. It is an action. Sometimes people are nice because they want something, and sometimes they are nice because they simply choose that action. Even rotten people can be nice under some circumstances. And good people aren't always nice.

Kindness is more a testament to someones overall character. Kindness often leads to being nice, but it also suggests that there is empathy and compassion being the behavior. It suggests that one cares about others..

I do agree with your assessment of attributes, kindness is desirable. I do prefer that people around are also nice, within reason, of course. 😛

That's a fair assessment. I've found I actually prefer people who are more "rough around the edges". Maybe it's because I'm a simple creature but I feel the "assholes" are a lot more forthright.

@Blindbird I'm an ''arsehole'' 😉

@Whathappensnow no! I never would have guessed. I quite like you though. You're funny and outspoken. It's cool.

@Blindbird Thanks 😀

2

Nobody likes that definition of 'nice'. But it's true...

4

I love this. Well said. I'm looking for the same thing myself. I hope we both find what we're looking for.

I do too. I'm not holding my breath though. I think I'm lucky to have friends like this. A partner who fits the bill may be too much to ask for,lol.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:31089
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.