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When is it time... to end it?

When I was younger, I had a real problem with this. It's quite improved now... but I still have the occasional person that I keep giving the benefit of the doubt to... keep seeing the good in... keep seeing the potential. I wonder why I don't want to give up on them. But sometimes I struggle with... do I stay, or do I go? (Haven't I heard that somewhere before? ?)

What about you... when is it time to cut someone loose?

BeeHappy 9 Mar 28

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14 comments

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1

I think it is most important and kind to explain why you are cutting someone lose. Don't do this popular "Ghosting" thing. It is heartless and hurtful to anyone whom has given you time and attention. It is no way to treat someone who thought of you as a close friend.

This happened to me after 9 months of being constantly on line with him. Suddenly I was Ghosted and Blocked by a man I deeply cared about. This is something I would expect from a man with the character of Trump.

I now have no respect for him whatsoever, where we could have remained distant friends forever, if only he would have explained. I did not do anything wrong to receive that kind of
treatment.

Nope, I wouldn't do that.

1

I have just been reminded of a situation that I had a number of years ago when very newly acquainted woman I thought proactivel​y ready to seize the day didn't and so caused me great pain because my hopes were crushed - perhaps I merely projected my desires on to her.

She profoundly​ remarked that no voluntary relationsh​ip should create emotional pain except through unexpected​ unavoidabl​e death.

I was instantly in receipt of my answer and have not had contact since. I keep her id photo and phone number in my contacts to remind me of her lesson and have changed my 3 day rule to one of half a day.

At worst my emotion should be neutral through lack of informatio​n exchange.

?"like"

@BeeHappy at best we should be amicably and constructively getting on with life "seizing the day".

I like her comment and agree wholeheartenly:
"no voluntary relationsh​ip should create emotional pain..."
Wish it were true.

@FrayedBear Yes!

1

3 strikes , bye Felicia . It might sound cruel , but that's all I got the time and the heart for at this point of my life . Life too short and mine even shorter , hello fifty in 2 yrs . I ll be alone and happier than w any situation where I have to wait and hope and " forgive " constantly . No . Just no .

? "like"

2

Most of the time they probably don't end as soon as they should. This is really true if you have been with someone for even three or four years, and more so the longer you are together. That has been my experience.

It seems that way to me too.

4

I was in a relationship that looked one sided from the outside. My friends and coworkers thought I was getting the short end of the stick. They would invariably ask me why I didn't leave. My response to them was that I ask myself this one question: "Is what I'm getting from the relationship worth the effort that I'm putting into it?" The day that answer is negative is the day that I will leave.

It's not about keeping score. Over time one person or the other will put more effort into the relationship. Sometimes you have to lean on your partner. Being there and supporting your partner in times when they are going through crises and can't dedicate as much effort is part of a healthy relationship. It's much more about how much satisfaction you are getting versus how much effort it takes you to get it.

I absolutely agree with you! I also went through something similar.

2

Time past is time gone; money lost can be replaced.

You're right, of course.

4

When they stop being present when they are with you. Ya can't fix 'em, change 'em or work with 'em. I'm not talking about the occasional stress situation. I'm talking about your date nights or times you set aside special to be together and they are just distracted either in their own head, high or on their phone. Okay, once maybe by their 3rd time I break it off.

That's sound advice.

2

Study up on the "fallacy of the sunk cost". It might be in play. I don't know about you, but I had a strong tendency to have hope triumph over experience because I didn't want to let go of hope. To admit something didn't work out was conflated in my mind with it being evidence that there's no hope.

See my reply to @Marcie1974. I continued to have hope where there wasn't any. My more recent issues, as I've stated in a couple replies are with beginning relationships and perhaps not even to the relationship part yet. I just think it takes longer to develop a relationship at my age (it could just be me), but I'm not a very patient person in that respect.

4

The moment you feel the need to post the question on a website.

At that point, you probably have your answer.

xoxo

You may be right. I saw the meme and it triggered the thought... so I asked the question.

@BeeHappy

Letting go of people is difficult. Sometimes it's like kicking a bad habit. The difference is we never kick a bad habit thinking it's a mistake. We trust it.

Here are a few questions that help me in this situation.

After spending time with this person, do I feel better or worse?
Am I getting as much from this relationship as I'm giving?
What is actually keeping me here?
What exactly am I hoping will change in order for me to feel happy in this relationship?
Is that likely to change?
What's my biggest fear in letting go?

These questions come up easily when you answer one of your questions and then ask another, based on the last answer.

I hope you get the answers you want. It might just be that you need to leave it for now.

And, if there's something really special between you, it probably will still be there after some time apart.

@Athena Thank you! ❤

3

I recently just had 2 dates over 2 weeks with a woman, I could tell it wasn't working out so called her and to confirm it with her. If you get going with someone who isn't your cup of tea cut them loose as soon as you know it isn't working, only you can be judge of what is or isn't working. Also the longer a relationship goes on (good or bad) the harder it is to break up.

JCII Level 5 Mar 28, 2019

You're right... I know you're right... 😟

3

'with who you invest your time in'? or 'in whom you invest your time'

Good question!

2

It's a difficult situation, the only way to leave someone without affecting you would probably be when you stop feeling anything for that person, not infatuation either. And the phrase reminds me of a song by The Clash - Should I Stay or Should I Go ...

I was hoping someone would catch that about the song. LOL

6

I married at 22 and divorced at 43....stayed a good 5 years longer than I should have (kids, debt, etc.). As I'm dating now, if I have doubts about things that I know aren't going to change, then I'm not staying with them. Life is too short to stay with someone who isn't completely right for you.

You're right. I was in a 28 yr marriage and stayed several years too long. Mostly what I've experienced lately is just in the beginning stages of a relationship. My tendency is if it doesn't work right away is to get out. But wonder if I'm even giving it a chance. I'm older and dating older people, I don't think we click as easily or quickly as when we were younger. At least that's how it's been for me.

@BeeHappy I guess you need to decide what are deal breakers and what aren’t. If someone is rude to people (wait staff, etc) that probably won’t change. However, if it’s something more superficial maybe they can?

This is my first time ever in my life living alone. I’m absolutely loving it and am a little concerned it’s ruined me for ever living with someone again, lol.

@Marcie1974 Thanks Marcie! I to wonder if I would be able to live with another person again. But I'm willing to try. ?

6

I never get "tied" to anyone that way, we're all free all the time.

I seem to have a scarily easy time of cutting people loose.

I think I'm averse to attachment.

Some are easy to let go... others... I don't know. I think part of it is I'm an optimist... and think it's going to get better? ?

@BeeHappy or you have a need to fix them?

@BeeHappy I understand what you are saying, buy to my mind, they need to get their shit together if they want to have a relationship with me. That includes family not just friends or love interests.

I worked hard and still work hard every day to become a better version of myself. We all have to "get better" on our own terms. There's such a fine line between supporting and enabling. You gotta be cautious.

@Allamanda Yeah, I thought about that. Very possible.

@Allamanda, @Donotbelieve Yes, knowing the difference between supporting and enabling... that's the hard part, at least for me.

@BeeHappy For me, as well. Especially when my children are involved.

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