Okay. I don't want to sound judgmental here, but my ex is not parenting well right now. Our son asked him what the most important aspect of a relationship is, and my ex said honesty. And immediately turned around and straight up lied to his girlfriend about what he and the boy were doing that day. And the boy caught it. And told me about it because it bothered him to see his dad being such a hypocrite. I don't really think it's my place to do anything about this except try to ensure that my son has other men in his life who are good role models. Do I keep my mouth shut or do I tell my ex about this conversation? Bear in mind, the only reason I'm even considering telling him is because I honestly want them to have a good relationship. Ideally, I'd like my son to have the conversation with his dad without me intervening. Maybe I should talk to the boy instead... What would you do?
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Let your son have the chance to communicate with his father. Just be the "sounding board" for him. This is your sons chance to learn and grow with respect to communications and relationships with parents and how that parlays into other relationships. You'll always be there to guide even if it's "hands off", that is a lesson in and of itself. It will be interesting if your son addresses it and how his father explains himself. Your son will see what is revealed.
Uncas
Level 4
Mar 11, 2018
0
He already sees the hypocrisy. You're right, I should trust in my son. I just wish he had a better male role model in his life. (I'm considering sending him to karate classes because one of my dear friends vouches for the character of all of the teachers there.)
The relationship with his dad is soured. Your son knows that. He might as well get the lesson right now - adults lie with ease and often. Usually for no real purpose.
Dick_Martin
Level 7
Mar 10, 2018
1
Honestly, let your son draw his own conclusions. The mother in you wants to help their relationship. But, any derogatory remarks about his father from you could/will be seen as spite. If your son asks your opinion, offer it. Otherwise, you're just feeding a stigma your ex has on his agenda. Your ex and his behavior are his, not yours. As difficult as it may seem, don't feed into the drama and discord. Your son already recognized it as wrong and behavior not to be emulated. Foster his own opinions. Don't interject your own.
Lateralus
Level 4
Mar 10, 2018
2
I try very hard to not say anything derogatory about his dad to him. There have been times I've bitten my lip and taken many a deep breath before I was able to say my piece. It would be ideal if my ex would get his shit together, but that's gonna take a lot more time. He doesn't like to look at what's wrong long enough to identify it, much less fix it. And, as you've already pointed out, it's on him, not me.
My kid is going to be alright. I just wish his dad would be the kind of guy I'd like to see my son become.
I would let those two sort it out on their own.
MrLink
Level 8
Mar 10, 2018
0
I don't think they will discuss it unless I weigh in, or at least encourage the boy to talk to his dad.
@Nottheonlyone oh I'm sure you are right. Dad probably does not even know that he did it. At least he probably does not know the boy picked up on it. Still, he has to take responsibility for demonstrating his values. I worry about you telling dad, dad then creates an unpleasant situation out of it with the boy. Then the boy doesn't want to confide in You about his observations the next time. I think your obligation is to never say negative things about the dad, empower the boy to address it maturely with his dad himself if and when he needs to, and keep a trusting, healthy dialogue always open between you and your son.
@MrLink I have been doing all of those things. And there's only been a time or two that I've needed to say something to his dad (usually when he puts his girlfriend's needs above the boy's, and, for that matter, above his own), but I've always asked for the other side of the story, I've never made an accusation, and I've kept my voice at a reasonable level. I am never looking for a fight or to create tension or acrimony.
I would just tell him that his son is getting older and is understanding whats going on. That he needs to start being a better role model for him.
Soocrates5
Level 4
Mar 10, 2018
2
How old is the boy? If you think he can handle addressing the father directly, without creating more problems (I.e. anxiety, anger, retaliation, etc.), I'd encourage him to do so.
My son's mother and I are getting better about not expressing judgement/criticism/negative opinions of the other in conversations with our son. It took a while, and it's an ongoing effort. But we both believe it's what's best for him (even when we REALLY think there's some valid blame to be placed).
wilsonjoe
Level 5
Mar 10, 2018
0
He's 13. But he's also really bright and very perceptive. (Not bragging, he attends a school for gifted/talented students.) He still surprises me all the time with how much he picks up.
The ex and I agreed when we were in divorce therapy (which, unshockingly enough, came immediately after marriage counseling) to never disparage each other, either openly or behind each others' backs to the boy. I think we've both held true to that ideal.
And, for the record, that's no easy feat.
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