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Is it a deal breaker when your partner doesn't shower, or clean up before a date. Is it offensive to be honest or grown enough to say it's a problem?

kraseyk 6 Mar 10
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20 comments

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1

Tell them they stink and it's time they got a grip on personal cleanliness, alternatively, leave them to decompose on their own.

1

People have different standards of personal hygiene. It is important to me that mypartner is clean, but I would fine it very difficult to tell a person they were not clean enough in any other way than light-hearted because I would not want to hurt their feelings. I have only had 1 date where the person was unclean and I made an excuse to avoid further dates rather than be honest. I am not proud.

Alwin Level 2 Mar 11, 2018
1

Yes it's a problem. I would ask what's going on and decide based on their response if it is a dealbreaker. I have asthma and allergies. Strong or too much perfume is a turn off and if they weren't willing to change, it would be a dealbreaker.

I'm allergic to perfume, so totally get what you're saying

1

I think this question stinks!

1

Yes. If you show up for a date dirty, well... That's just ridiculous! Who does that?

That's what I was wondering. It would not even occur to me.

I have been on two dates that really needed a shower. I'm just as surprised

1

You should make an effort but not be something your not. im not wearing trousers, shoes or a suit for anyone. if you don't like it then don't expect them to like it.

0

Deal breaker, perhaps. If meeting after workor when otherwise busy, it’s fine. Don’t approach it as a problem, have a discussion and perhaps you’ll find that you are already on common ground or you’ll have even more potential reasons to end the relationship.

PPEMW Level 2 Mar 11, 2018
0

Depends. Are you on a hiking/camping trip out in the back of no where with only the occasional stream/lake to skinny-dip and clean up in? Then ya, it should be ok to not shower before dancing under the stars.

Are you going for a quick bite and the day has just gone so wrong that either you will be at least an hour late, OR you show up sans shower for not being able to go home, and you've only built up a sweat? Then, sure, but don't make a habit of it. Note: IF you are a sewage worker, then NO showing up after work without a thorough bath and a change of clothes is NOT acceptable! Call and apologize saying that things have gone to hell and you are going to be late... odds on your date will KNOW the alternative and graciously accept any, cleanliness bound, delay! 🙂

Are you going out for a formal dinner at which you arrive on time or lose your reservation AND you have not had a chance to clean up (but are otherwise dressed, minimally, ok)? Again, don't make a habit of it but, y'know, sometimes life does catch us short (men and women). It's ok but, again, do NOT make a habit of it and DO analyze why you are late. Apologize profusely, maybe buy some deoderant on the way and apply it in hopes of being minimally acceptable.

IF, your partner makes a habit of being a smelly slob. That is a deal breaker.

On the other hand, I do declare the occasional day a "scruffy day" which means I am going to relax... this is NOT a date day. The most I will do with my better half on a scruffy day is dress a little down and relax, with her (I hope) around the house. For the record, a "scruffy day" for me usually just means I'm not shaving. I do shower, brush my teeth and hair... I might choose to laze about in PJs, or the equivalent, if I/we are not planning on going anywhere. I think that is ok. This might include not shaving or showering, if I am REALLY having a relaxed day, but I will brush my teeth. I have done this two days in a row (weekends) but don't make a habit of it. This is to relax, maybe even while cleaning the house, it is NOT to be a slob. 🙂

Just to make this more long winded and put it in some sort of perspective: in the military we would forcibly wash someone who was like this for too long. No, I did not participate, but we were talking about doing exactly that to one of our men. Fortunately, he changed MOS's soon after this conversation and we were quit of him... I have no doubt in my mind that he was dragged to the showers somewhere along the line. Imagine being so smelly that men who are used to spending a week or so in the field, possibly without access to toiletries (a shovel and TP, until the TP ran out, was it) are so disgusted by you that they drag you to a shower, strip you down, hose you down and forcibly wash you (if you don't do it yourself) and they WILL monitor you to make sure you do clean yourself! Granted, this guy put cigarettes out on his bed post (they were metal posts designed to inset one into the other so had a convenient hold in the top), and left dirtly clothes laying around his bunk (despite the fact that we were inspected with fair frequency and required to maintain a clean place). Ick!

3

Yes. Yes it is.

3

It’s offensive. Things happens, but if you have the time, prepare.

4

Yep. Definitely a dealbreaker! As someone else said, I like my men slightly scruffy...but scruffy does NOT mean "unwashed"! Actually been in a situation like that once and it was a major turnoff. He didn't make adjustments - I ended the relationship.

2

Eew! That would be a deal breaker for me.

2

Yes, hygiene is a make or break. Was this a one time thing? Like they just got ofd work?

It was continuous. He put on deodorant after a shower, but wouldn't shower for days (4-7 days). So, the deotorant wore off and it was something he didn't notice. He mentioned while in school, he was picked on for being stinky.

5

I would freak if a girl turned up for a date smelling unwashed. I am scruffy, very untidy, amost never, in recent years make that NEVER dress up. Regular showers are essential in my climate, before bed, before work, when I get home from work, and before going out. I would probably just find a new date rather than saying anything. That's just me.

4

Depending on the timing on the date... such as I'll pick you up from work, other than that, absolutely!!!
Personal appearance, grooming... it's not difficult, should be a requirement, in other words deal breaker.
...OOPS, I misunderstood..."when your partner"... my thoughts were on 2nd, 3rd, or beyond dates.

Tomas Level 7 Mar 10, 2018
3

It is a deal breaker. You better smell clean and put some colgne on. I get to eventually like a long time partner's natural scent but not while we are dating. Nop!

I work with autistic and developmentally delayed students and one of the teachers has issues with odors, especially fake ones. I can't wear my cologne at work. Oddly, not because of the kids (though they tend to be very sensitive to such).

That said, I now know and am sensitive, so, I will wear my cologne but won't make an issue if you ask me not to. In fact, for years I never wore cologne (all the ones I found gave ME a headache, it's only recently I found one I am comfortable with).

Hello @Gnarloc, I'm interested to know if you also get headaches from drinking alcohol? I started getting headaches when wearing cologne, I had to change to an alcohol free balm. The headaches then started when I drank red wine, then white wine etc. I'm at the point now where I can only drink a very limited few things. I think it's commonly referred to as a cocktail migraine. Are you the same?

@smoyle I only had issue with English Leather (my wife bought it for me). I have no issues with alcohol, well, in moderation. When I get 'loose' and drink too much then we can talk. 🙂

Sorry to hear about your situation and wish I could help.

@Gnarloc I'm allergic to cologne and perfume. Causes migraines and or sneezing, it's a deterrent

4

Guess it depends on the date - if you're going on a hike, or other strenuous outdoor thing - no problem. If you're going "out", dressy, and all that, and your date has a particular funky air about him (or her), then perhaps some anti-odor preparation is in order.

If it's an issue with someone you're seeing , and you'd like it to continue - by all means it's time to say something !

2

As long as they took a shower at least the day before the date.

0

I would let them come as they want, and say No if they come dirty.

1

Depends on what you are doing on the date, does it not?

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