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How to: Make peace with a parent...

My father grows more religious as he gets older. I've tried avoiding the topic of religion, engaging in conversation when he questions me and doing my best to keep our relationship from being damaged by heated discussion. How do you handle loved ones who don't want to face your atheism? I love my father, and I want to make peace on this issue.

RoadGoddess 7 Nov 16
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Lie, if necessary. That's my choice because I know my mother would never understand. Or one of my sisters. Is "truth" really all that important? A little hypocrisy can save a lot of pain.

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The only thing that works in my family is not talking about it. Ultimately the love and bond matters more but there's no telling how long it will take any given person to make peace because that's from within the person. I don't think we can create understanding for others. Just do our best to show you can still be the exact same person without the belief system.

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My mum's Catholic 'faith' become stronger and more important to her as she aged, this is often the case with people when they start to feel more vulnerable, or lonely and or closer to death. It brought her comfort up until her death a coup[le of months ago, I have no doubt about that. Both her sons (my brother and I) are atheists and my mum was well aware of that and would not broach the subject with us. In return we respected her beliefs.

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That's gotta be tough. I avoid talking religion to my mom, but that's me. It sounds like your father is afraid of 'what's after'. Perhaps you can change the story in favor of what he is expecting or wants to expect. It sounds like he might be becoming more stubborn with age as well. If you need/want to talk to him, talk about him. Most people like to talk about themselves. Talk about the similarities instead of the differences.

My mom just turned 88 and one thing she is willing to do and I think she appreciates it too, is video her talking about practically anything in her past. Often times I wish I had a camera running. I'm assuming you like to spend time with your dad, you just don't want to talk about religion. Sometimes props help.

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You have graduated from being controlled by lies and fear. I commend you. Your father has surrendered to a place that makes him feel warm and fuzzy. Hes accepted this by hearing others and blindly agreeing with what is written and spoken. His motto is probably this, im going to cling to what the majority believe in. All of them can't be wrong. We know better. Your a free thinker. Youve come to a conclusion. You are who you are. Just allow him to feel his beliefs so he can handle death. Hes afraid. Just love him for who he is. You can't change him without fear and pain taking its toll on him. He has to study and become as you on his own terms.

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When I decided to move to USA... my mother reacted by no talking to me. My answer to her behavior was very simple: I came to USA regardless of her silence. Eventually, she contacted me.
Aren't you sure your father's attitude is not one of "Everybody must do as I say."

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I've been fortunate that my father, though religious, has accepted that I don't believe in what he does and, for the most part, understand my perspective and even agrees with me to some extent. If that weren't the case, I think I would be forced to do as you are and simply avoid the topic of religion entirely. Unless your father is open to your point of view, I don't see a satisfactory alternative.

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Had the same issue with my mother who was an "elder" of her church. After reading all the previous comments I'd have to agree with the main theme of avoiding the topic. However, in addition I would think through a "pat" answer, the desired results of which are to shut down the conversation without any hurt feelings. AND THEN SHUT UP. Use the exact same set of words in every situation and sooner or later you will train your dad that it is a simple stimulus/response situation and I'll put money on him quitting. You'll have to design your own, but something like: "it really doesn't help out relationship to have that discussion, so I'm going to ....." It could end with "just listen" if you are really able to sit and listen. It could end in "leave". It could end with a period after discussion. The key is repetition, consistency and refusing to engage.

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I'm the only one in my family that is an atheist. My father was (he's deceased now) a devout Catholic and my sister is a devout evangelical. We all know our position, and we never talk about it since what we believe in is our business. If your dad insists on talking religion just tell him that topic is not up to discussion and stick to it. If he continues then just leave/hang up/etc.

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Let me ask you, why do you need to make him face your atheism? Is it something he brings up, or do you? I find that it is best to have a respectful attitude to loved ones and not bring heated topics such as this up if it is not needed.

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