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Negging
So I've been seeing some negging on here lately and I'd like to talk about it. For anyone who doesnt know negging is the tactic of tearing down a partner or potential partners self esteem with the intent of making them feel like they're so pathetic that you're the only romantic option they have. This is something done across the board but its particularly popular among men.

Signs to watch out for are people who denigrate others for things like make-up, clothing choices, sexual history and the ever popular " insecurity is such a turn off!". Little tip, the only people without insecurities are psychopaths. It's a defining characteristic of the disorder. Questioning ourselves and being honest about our shortcomings is what makes us decent people.

If someone says things that make you feel bad about yourself regularly. You are not imagining it. Those are toxic people and I beg you to get as far away from them as fast as you can. This practice is extremely destructive to the victim . The practitioners can be very subtle. Listen to your intuition.

Again this is something that happens to men,women and those who identify as other.
Stay safe, love you guys

By OpposingOpposum9
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26 comments

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6

Really I haven't seen it. The only complaint I have regards texting. You cannot have a meaningful conversation with someone without talking. You need to have a voice. I need to hear it. No more texting for me.

6

Pretty good piece there Blindbird. Thanks for sharing.

Cwag515 Level 5 Mar 26, 2018

Thank you. I have fallen victim before and if I can help someone else avoid those mistakes I'd be happy.

6

Denigration is never good in any form. From what I have seen in this group, people tend to be above such a thing. I would hope that this would be a good group for growth and enrichment. Broadening one's horizons so to speak.

lbusche Level 7 Mar 26, 2018

It generally is a very good group. However I have noticed a new member who exhibits this behaviour and decided to put this out there.

@Aralt male in the instance I witnessed. As I said though, I've known women to do it as well.

5

Its men's insecurities I think that causes this bullshit.

It is insecurity and viewed objectively its a fairly successful strategy for getting and keeping exclusive access to a mate. Not the biggest, baddest or most attractive male around? Get a female and gaslight her into complete emotional/financial dependance on you. Doesn't make it subjectively more palatable but it does explain why it happens and why it's as widespread as it is.

I hate that macho bullshit. my asshole brother=in-law has broken my sister like that. fucking bullying prick. I hate bullies.

@LeighShelton I'm so sorry. Having that happen to someone you love sucks.

I'm just not like that, I think you should both be equal like a two-piece jigsaw and complement each other but it's partly her fault too for allowing it to happen. it's probably why I'm single but I get no drama and never argue. thanks anyway @Blindbird. I would hate the thought of someone being with me because they had too rather than wanted to.

5

This reminded me of a clip from Family Guy:

resserts Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

Yep

5

It's very common for abusers to use this so if you've noticed a potential partner doing this there is a good chance that he or she may be an abuser

Yes. That is very true.

5

I have not heard that term before but I sure am aware of the behavior! It's a really shitty and abusive thing to do to someone.

Thanks for sharing.

4

I hadn't heard that term before today.
I haven't seen very many instances of that on here. I imagine it exists
everywhere, and no place is immune.
I also tend to ignore people who do that, to the point where it barely even registers.
It seems I notice it more when it's done to others, than when it's directed at me.

KKGator Level 9 Mar 26, 2018

Yes. The problem is that not everyone is very secure. We have some members who I feel are particularly vulnerable and I don't want to see them get hurt. I'm mama bearing I guess. We've got a new member who looks like a fox in a henhouse to me.

@Blindbird Can't say that I've noticed. Not sure if that makes me self-absorbed, or just oblivious. Not sure which is worse. smile009.gif

@KKGator neither. You're secure in yourself and thats great. It's not true of everyone, though it would be nice if it were.

@Blindbird In the short week or so that I have been here, I've noticed a few cranks that are either deliberately argumentative, believe that their opinion is above all, or contribute responses that have nothing to do with the original post.

@Bierbasstard Okay, color me oblivious. What am I missing?

@Bierbasstard lol I may be guilty of all three.

@Blindbird You wouldn't be alone!! smile009.gif

3

You mean mister incoherent verbose makeup is bad?

Yes, yes I do.

@Blindbird yeah that was a lot of bloviating that said almost nothing.

@memorylikeasieve not really look up the terms, well educated. Thanks for the judgment.

@Etre if the shoe fits...

3

I think you mean sociopaths, rather than psychopaths. Psychopaths are the people like John Wayne Gacey, Richard Dahmer and the Son of Sam.

Sociopaths not only don't have insecurities, they also have no conscience, so what ever they do, it's not their fault. Theirs doesn't stink. They believe they can do no wrong. I've had too many encounters with that type, so I think that I can recognize them from a mile away, as the expression goes. My advice; RUN, don't walk. Get as far from them as you can, as soon as you can.

Both types are like that, I think. Is it psychopaths that are organised and sociopaths disorganized? Something like that anyway. I agree, run far and fast as soon as you identify either.

@Blindbird I think you're right about their different organizational skills. I just know that psychopaths are, usually the ones that turn to violence and, sometimes, murder. Sociopaths are, usually the manipulators and try to take advantage any way they can, even if it means destroying your self image.

Well guess what guys, I am neither one...

3

I've heard of doing it in person, but I didnt' know people did it online.

I'm exactly the opposite. I'll find as many ways as possible to pay a compliment.

By the way, I luuuuuvvvv the way you use splashes of sunlight in your selfies!

phil21 Level 7 Mar 26, 2018

Bahaha. Thanks. I enjoy the whimsy of your profile pic!

@Blindbird Just call me Peter, as in Cottontail or Lord Whimsy.

3

I didn't know there was a word for this, but an ex used to try to do this to me. Unfortunately for him by that point I had already recognized him as a manipulative abuser and didn't let it get to me. I was already planning to escape. He would talk openly about his own sexual history, but any time something about mine came up he would initiate FULL MELTDOWN mode and shame me for it.

Oh yes. Mine would frequently bring up how he couldn't believe I'd had kids with my ex, how he felt my line of work was beneath his social status and how my sex drive made me "deviant" as a woman. Anything they can latch onto.

@Blindbird It's just as pitiful as people who have to have the last word when they're clearly in the wrong! smile009.gif

@WickedNicki looool. Is that guy still arguing with himself back there?

@Blindbird I've never understood men complaining about a woman's sex drive as I have always been on that receiving end. What's wrong with physical expression of love with someone?

@Blindbird For the sake of my sanity I haven't checked.

@Bierbasstard well in his case, he was stating that A) it was the only reason I was with him(but he was somehow too good for me at the same time?) And B that it was only a matter of time until I cheated on him despite the fact that I've never cheated on anyone in my life. Crazy and crazy making

@Blindbird I understand that. I was with a woman who constantly swore that I was going to cheat on her and leave her for a younger woman. And, like you, I have never cheated. Crazy is right.

@Bierbasstard @Blindbird I too have dealt with that and never in my life have cheated. So weird.

@WickedNicki She had been married to another man that, like me, was ten years younger. According to her, he was physically and psychologically abusive, wouldn't keep a job, caught him doing ndrugs with young women in their apartment, etc...
I kept asking her to stop putting his weight on my shoulders. I told her the same thing I have told every woman, I honor my comments. If I meet someone and they spin my world around to such a degree that I want to be with them then I would leave you first. Aside from that, when in a relationship, I never put myself in a situation where their would be an opportunity to cheat. Heck, I've played in bands for years and, believe me, there were more than enough opportunities to sleep around but I need more then that.

3

If you think this is a serious problem, it would be worth flagging it up to the Admin. This is a very welcoming and supportive site in general and a lot of us feel able to be open and honest on it. it would be a pity for anyone to be upset or put off making friends by such negative behaviour. When you see it, call it out. Maybe the person/people involved don't realise they are doing it but have got into bad habits.

CeliaVL Level 7 Mar 26, 2018

I did call out the one I came across. I felt a discussion of the issue was a good idea. We have some vulnerable members and I'd be sad to see them fall prey to this.

@Blindbird really you are a psychologist, again.....

@Etre stop tagging me. Creep

@Blindbird I've been on here less than a week and I've noticed negging. Generally from young, white, angry guys who see this forum as a way to blast anti-feminist rhetoric. I assume they aren't getting the responses they believe they are "entitled" to get.

@Louie406 I suggest you read the entirety of the post. She started this thread in reaction to post that I made from an experience I posted about wilst in my twenties. I reported the matter to a moderator who is a Psychologist.

Yes you are right. No law was broken. But since the conversation was directed at me I have every right to defend myself and Honor. Accusations and horrible statements were directed at me.

First of all how can you negg someone on this platform. I made a post about my experience with my exwife wilst in my 20's, full of ego and pride. The post was taken out of context ans she went into this rant about she feels like she is seein negging on here. ..... really.... oh by the way I posted in education and philosophy.... i did not post in lets hook up for a date. The facts are in the details, which most know nothing of.

Thank you for your time.
Etre

2

I get the impression that you don't like neggers.

2

Thanks for the post, Blindbird. It's worthwhile for all of us to know.

MST3K Level 8 Mar 26, 2018
2

Negging? On here? Really?

I miss all the weird stuff...well, no...not all of it...

But here? Really?

There was a post by a newish member about how women wearing make-up is dishonest and he just looooves women who are "natural". He popped up a few other places talking about how insecurity is such a big turnoff etc. My favorite part was when he complemented @WickedNicki on her naturally perfect complexion and she schooled him on the facts of make-up. Gave me MAJOR flashbacks to my time with a narcissist.

@Blindbird I'm still laughing at the absurdity of it all.

@WickedNicki it was ridiculous and you handled it beautifully.

@Blindbird Why thank you. It took all my willpower to not tear him to shreds.

& @WickedNicki I'm honestly shocked and that is a rarity for me.

I commend you both on your handling of the situation, your humor through it all, your ravishing beauty and your mutual flawless complexions.

@Blindbird i welcome the debate at any time. I by no means am a narcissist. The orignal post was not ment to be inflamatory nor insinuating. Ignorance is born of ignorance. I am a well educated humanbeing. I am an Artistic person who is not emotive as actors in a play. That post was about my self realizations and how I abandoned my wife because of my neurosis and delusions of grandeur because I am considered Talented.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I have spent years in the study of philosophical research. Psychology stems from Philosophy. Narcissus was a hunter from Thespia. The sun of a river god. Linguistics is a knowledge unto itself.

Those thoughts that I shared where of my mental status during that time in my early 20's. I had experienced a cranial fracture 4 days before my 16th birthday. I was pronounced dead twice. Commatose for over 30 days. When I came back, i was not the same consciously. I went from being GT Program, Advanced Curriculum to almost remedial.

I shared my experience to garner insight. The minds here are of a different conscious perspective. Human traits or persona are learned behaviors that humans experience through environmental factors. Biblically known as sins of the father, or simply put; as learned from the home environment. I watched my father beat my mother to a pulp. My memory is scared with images of blood and violence from the earliest ages of life. I experienced what you learned about in a textbook 1st hand.

Was I abussive? Yes... mentally, verbally,. . Not even close to what I experienced. Was my wife perfect, no... we were to young ... mentally speaking. The world moves extremely fast when you grow up in a small christian town of 5k and 32 churches. Psychologically speaking you have 3 ages. Mental, Physical, Emotional. I spent over 2 years working with Psychologists from the University of Missouri.

In conclusion I would like to apologize for causing the conflict and dissruption in peoples consciousness. I was only making a statement about my experience and consciousness during that moment in time. Everyone is entittled to their opion, agreed. Yes I am aware that people have self awareness issues. And I was only making a statement that people/humans should not have any judgments towards a persons apearence. You don't have to wear make up to be beautiful. And so many people put make up on so they can feel beautiful. I find that sad psychologically speaking.

@Blindbird reallly!!!! Pretty sure their was no mention of insecurity.... the point i was trying to make was this... society has created this concept of what beauty is. You are attacking me without looking at facts.. Are you an Artist? Have you written piano compositions. You insult my intelligence with your ignorance of understanding. I am also not the one who commented on that ladies posts out side of our argument. I am not here to seek people out for relationships. I am not in a position to be in a relationship. I am here for the experience and conversation. And you turn me into a demon. You truly are blind.

@Etre I have no idea why you brought this up on my post but it's interesting you did in that I too am an artist and composer...also so I can report you for harassment too.

I missed the initial post and I seriously don't care. From what you've shared above I get it. You were doing the ok in the first post...the second, not so.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not so being socially acceptable. Some opinions...and there are no debating opinions...are best kept to yourself.

I haven't had self centered rants we artists are prone to in some time. Thanks for reminding me how infantile they are.

Soooo...I'm responding because this was on my thread. Reply once and, if @Blindbird will entertain it, you can harass her elsewhere.

And Blindbird, if you'd like me to report what I have so far you need but ask. I'm already insulted by this guy and he wasn't even referring to me!

@DangerDave. I'm going with the "don't feed the pathetic trolls" theory. I didn't read what he said tbh and I don't feel its worth my time. smile001.gif Thanks for having my back. ?

@DangerDave really, like her discussions calling me a narcissist, sociopath, ect.... get real... she is not a psychologist..... this is an open forum... by all means report..... i am the one who has been insulted... really....

@Etre I'm no psychologist either but I see the tendencies.

Now, you have been warned. How Blindbird deals with you is up to her. Any further commentary to me on this thread or on this subject will constitute harassment.

@Blindbird What most men think is "natural" is really a 5-10 minute makeup. What a jerk.

2

That's pretty fucking manipulative.

kmdskit3 Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

Yep

2

That's the first sign of a narcissist. That's when you know you have to leave as soon as possible. And you have to do it in the dead of night without him/her even knowing.

sadoslim Level 5 Mar 26, 2018

Yep. Wish I'd known.

@Blindbird yea...not something everybody knows. It happens to alot of people. Some people won't show their toxicity until later into a relationship anyways.

@sadoslim yeah. One of the reasons I felt compelled to write this post.

@Blindbird, I don't blame you. I'm in a poly-relationship. My wife and I have our separate things going because we have so much love to give. We try not to make each other feel bad by voicing what's on our minds all the time. Sometimes we have a little difficulties, but we work so wonderfully together. I actually think when we became poly, our sex life became so much stronger and better. Even though it was already amazing before...it just made it that much better. I think the most important thing is that we love each other very much and try to listen and communicate with one another without belittling each other. It's definitely an interesting situation. I've always felt poly and this is the first relationship where I could do it.

2

I've never heard that term before, but I've seen it.

Rudy1962 Level 9 Mar 26, 2018
2

I don't believe anyone can make me FEEL any way I don't want to feel.

Guess I'm a psychopath.

And anyone trying to do that on here is out of line ...

evergreen Level 8 Mar 26, 2018

You nailed it. The first paragraph anyway. I find that its only words. If i called someone a Son of a bitch in greek and they didnt understand it, are they insulted? Its all in the interpretation.

Yeah, you might have to be a high level of psychopathy then. If you aren't effected by your surroundings, that is a good indication. My friend Otto used to say this years back. Then I would piss him off on purpose. When he got pissed, I would say,"So you want to be pissed?" The first time (the only times after that were when he was drunk...haha). He said, yes it is my choice. So I pissed him off more. A lot more. "You must really like to be pissed, then. Shall we continue?"....haha...good times, good times...hehe

@JayJackson even if they did understand Greek - but they also have a solid sense of self, chances are good they won't be effected too deeply - or perhaps at all. To me, it's our choice how we react to something.

1

Hubby #1 literally beat the crap out of me regularly.
Hubby #2 made me feel I was woohoo lucky he was willing to stay with me.
The most painful, by far, was hubby #2.

1

Well said matey... Really well put - If i see anything like that i will be right on it ... we all get em don't we .. everyone gets burned .. then you learn to walk away or breathe fire !

Nickbeee Level 8 Apr 9, 2018
1

This was the case with my last BF, got rid of his crazy ass over 4 yrs ago.. never to look back. He was classic because he such low self esteem himself. Being a narcissist to boot and also a gas lighter, he finally went in for therapy and found out he was manic depressive with a bi-polar personality and drank. Not a good combination at all. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from that relationship and also about myself. Being a strong minded, independent woman, he just didn't know how to deal with it all. Being with "broken" women and I was not that way. It's tough when you get sucked in to something like that. So I want to say thanks for sharing this Blindbird.

Thank you. I too had a short relationship with a narcissist and I'm ashamed to say he did a good job of breaking me down even in the few months we were together. I know what it did to me and I'd hate to see someone else go through it.

1

there used to be this "coach" who would "teach" negging to men who had difficulty making progress with women. I agree it's not cool. Wish I could remember the name of that show. Ooooh "the pickup artist"? One of those "how to get a woman to sleep with you in 30 days or less" type crap.

Qualia Level 8 Mar 26, 2018
1

Good post

MartinG Level 6 Mar 26, 2018
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