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Why do men lash out when rejected?

Why do men lash out at women when rejected? The most hurtful thing a man said was, “You have a stick figure,” when I said we don’t make a good match. Ouch.

Yesterday a man online called me “ignorant” and “self-absorbed” because I said I don’t want to answer question after question. “We live too far apart to develop a relationship,” I wrote. “You live in Georgia, 2,525 miles away.” His mean reply floored me. I blocked him.

Online dating is like a blind date. You never know what you’re going to get. Most often I don’t recognize the man I’m meeting. Suddenly my "hot date" has aged 10 years, lost all his hair and gained 50 pounds. As if I wouldn’t notice.

Still, I enjoy meeting people and learn from everyone I meet. I engage new men in conversation to get to know them a little. See if we sparkle at each other and engage in witty banter. Hope springs eternal.

“I don’t think we make a good match,” I conclude tactfully. “I don’t think you are fit enough to join me in hiking steep, rocky trails, gaining 1,000 feet in elevation per mile for seven miles" (exaggerating to make it sound terrible). Thank you for lunch. Good luck with your search.”

When I feel hurt by criticism, I try to listen for the kernel of truth, learn from it, and let the bad feelings go.

LiterateHiker 9 Mar 29
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16 comments

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1

I know this is an old thread.

I am not proud of ways I have sometimes acted in the past. All I can do is just do my best to get better in the future, and to find healthy ways to blow off steam. It was so hard when I was single. Constant one date and then boom rejection over and over again. It's hard to not internalize that shit and think its something wrong with you when you're going through it. And then all my interests and days I'm out and supposed to be having fun..... surrounded by happy couples holding hands everywhere. Easy mode, they all seemed to have everything they need. While I had to struggle through on hard mode. It was a very hard time in my life.

I've been with someone for two years now and it's amazing. And I've since learned that there is a good chance many of the rejections were not something wrong with me, or at least it wasn't entirely about me. I know that was the case at least one time and suspect it was many others. If I ever find myself single and dating again it will absolutely be my motive to handle the bad better.

I'm enough.

1

I believe it's a sign that they are not confident in their own skin. When someone lashes out against another person it is normally due to low self-esteem. They easily blame other people for their own failures. What I don't understand is how someone can think it will work out even when two people don't share the same opinion of each other.

2

I can identify with your post. I've met women from online dating sites and then they've confessed to being 5 or 10 yr older than their online photo. Perhaps, the men that get hostile when rejected are trying to find someone to "complete" them. They are not complete, self-loving (a necessity) humans. Too many humans want to have a partner/mate that will MAKE them happy. I had been with someone for a long time and I can state without a doubt, you can be lonely within a relationship and that is MISERY! From your profile photographs, you are a very active woman in very good shape. I regret I'm not closer.

I_don't_know, Thank you for your wise, helpful and kind message. I appreciate your compliment.

@LiterateHiker I would have to be blind NOT to comment. 😉

1

That would depend on the man, and not all men lash out when rejected. The opposite could be said as well, women lash out for rejection too, but certainly not all of them. I don't trust online dating, too many wackos eager to play head games with others, much better off meeting someone in person. If someone hurls an insult your way, just ignore them, afterall their crude assumptions mean very little. Chances are at least 50/50 you'll find someone eventually who genuinely considers your feelings.

2

Fear of rejection! #1 Frank responses are unexpected, we should be thankful but culture has not prepared us to reality so you get the kneejerk with extra Jerk as a value added benefit.

2

As someone who has been stood up several times from online dates, I don't lash out. I am disappointed, and depending on the day I will wonder what's wrong with me, and if I'm just finding the wrong people. One recent person posted to my facebook early on (she saw where 'd complained about having been stood up three times in as many weeks) that people who did that were mean and unworthy. She stood me up twice after that. So it goes.

ChrisLAbbey, Sorry to hear you have been stood up. To leave someone waiting and waiting- with no phone call- is disrespectful and beyond rude.

I believe in following through on what I promised. I never stood up anyone. So far, men have shown up when we scheduled a date.

@LiterateHiker Well, the latter and I finally got together, and it was a come here/go away relationship. I wrote a post about it, because it just ended, and I found I had to pull the plug. What's worse is I'd take her back.

2

This is not specific to men. Women on dating sites do all the same stuff.

1

Nothing like telling a guy how out-of-shape he is as your "tactful" response. Maybe the guy who was firing questions at you was nervous. Don't get hung up on the miles between you and a potential partner until you know him well enough to accept or reject HIM. It sounds to me like you are being pretty judgmental awfully early on.

And while I agree that people should post up-to-date photos, think about it this way: people make snap judgments about each other in just a few seconds. Each person who is seeking a partner wants to put their very best foot forward. The temptation is strong to put forward what you think is your best look, even if it IS an old picture. I don't think people want to deceive someone; they want you to see what they think is their best self, their best image.

Citronella,

I never call men "out-of-shape" or "fat." That would be rude and hurtful. Instead I say, "I don't think you are fit enough to join me on steep, challenging hikes." They agree.

The guy who peppered me with questions wrote in all lower case, with misspellings, poor grammar, unrecognizable acronyms and no periods. It was very difficult to figure out what he wrote. As a published author, I want a partner with good written and verbal communication skills. I am attracted to intelligent, funny men.

Before judging me, please realize there was more to the story. I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying he had poor writing skills. Kathleen

"It's marketing," one man insisted when he say my face. I blanched when he stepped out of his truck. Although he posted his age as 55, he was actually 74 (or so he said.) He looked like the grandfather of the man in his pictures. "I got you to meet me, didn't I?" he asked. "It's lying," I replied.

2

There are lots of things guys do that is a mystery to other guys (like me). With online conversations it is easy to sometimes go too far especially when one doesn't know the other. Setting boundaries is and should be a part of the process and many of us have been there.

Before I met my late partner I was with several dating groups. I met a woman who, like you said, looked a lot older and heavier than her picture. She told me she had met her husband with this group over 10 years ago. They had a good relationship and after he died she simply resubmitted her old stuff. Upfront dishonesty does not make for a fulfilling relationship.

I know it is hard but rejection is a part of the game. Some of us can handle it but some can't. One needs to develope a thick skin. For me I actually prefer an assertive woman. One who is willing to say what she wants and doesn't want with no game playing. But then I am weird.

"Lashing out as you describe it is 'merely' a sign of immaturity and a failure to grow beyond an adolescent stage of life," a psychologist wrote in a message to me today, in response to this post.

I appreciate his wisdom.

@LiterateHiker If one "lashes out" when dating imagine what that turns into after a period of being together? It takes time, observation and objectivity to develop a relationship.

1

I've never really understood that behavior. but thinking about it now I wonder if those women who hang on to the guys who treat them poorly, respond to that. sad.

3

Many men have been brought up to repress their true feelings and not to show any emotion other than anger. When their fragil egos are hurt they only know how to strike out defensively. This is not meant to exuse their behavior, just to explain it. A man's ego is very important to him. We are told that to attract women we must show confidence, and it's hard to exude confidence when your ego has been damaged by critizism, especially when that comes from a woman.

4

Here is an example of my response recently. Her text & My reply are paraphrased: Her: I know we had scheduled to meet for coffee, but I had a date with someone yesterday and we hit it off and we have scheduled another date so I didn't want to lead you on. My Reply: No Worries, I understand, let me know how it goes. Best of Luck to you.

Good for you, Humanity4all. I love your kind response.

1

You are a gorgeous, fit, smart woman, by everything I can see and read in your bio. Don't give a second thought to those assholes who obviously are not fit to lick your hiking boots. If I lived near you, I'd be supplicating at the altar of you.

Condor5, "Aww... shucks... gee" (sound of scraping boot).

THANK YOU for your lovely compliment. I feel honored.

5

A lot of men have fragile egos. I wouldn’t worry about it. They are just lashing out to make them feel better about themselves. Look at it as a Dodged a bullet

Thank you, Donto. I agree. It shows the man has an anger problem. Glad I found out before getting involved.

3

In general; emtional incompetence and entitlement.

3

Well women do the same. Its hard to blame your own shortcomings - or – short comings, for problems in a relationship. All we can do is try to stay positive – and polite.

bjporcella, I figured women also lash out at men. You're right: it's important to stay positive and be kind. When a man lashes out, it shows he has unresolved anger issues.

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