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Bad parenting: Paying for all your grown kids needs and wants.

I think parents with mentally ill children, are enabling their kids by buying everything they want and need. My mom didn't do that raising me. I'm mentally ill too. Not as bad as most here, but some of them could handle a job. 2 guys here do. With that one girl I posted about, she has everything paid for. Her sister pays for her Netflix, her mom pays for her phone bill, food, spending money, horse lessons, and everything she owns in her room. I asked her when she wanted to connect to my Wi-Fi, that she has to pay half the bill, because I'm paying for the Wi-Fi for me. She said, "No thanks." She's never paid for anything, unless her mom gives her $20 to spend.

Is that enabling people? Many folks here have that issue.

One guy here, had a job years ago, lost it, and now can't get one. Well, he could if he listened to me and took my advice. He has a huge, long, unkept beard and long wild hair. I told him he needs to trim up or shave and get a haircut. As well as dress up for applying for jobs. He's still jobless and his parents pay for all his stuff now. He's 36-years-old. No one takes my advice. He asked for my advice too. I never give it out freely anymore. He had told me he applied for jobs, but couldn't get one working in a restaurant. Duh! Men can't get jobs looking like they are cave men. Same for women. Dress for the job you want. I did, I was hired on the spot for my first job. I even called back 4 days after applying too. I asked if he called back, he said he didn't. But don't listen to anyone whom has a job, right?

Anyway, do parents enable their kids growing up, ones with mental illnesses, or are they truly helping them? IMO, they're hurting them.

Sarahroo29 8 Apr 8

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16 comments

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1

Can I ask for a working definition of 'mentally ill'? As someone with a lifetime diagnosis of major depressive disorder I'm a little offended by the assumption that this means a lifetime of failure. I'm retired from a very successful career. I'd just ask that people be a little more conscious of stereotyping in this regard.

I'm mentally ill too.

0

My parents never had a lot and neither did I. Since It's the hope that the next generation does better than the previous one, I'm happy. Both of my kids are doing MUCH better than I did. My daughter is the manager of two animal hospitals. My son works for a company that builds communications trucks and trailers. I think most people have seen the type of vehicles my son builds. You'll see them at TV and radio stations, law enforcement agencies (local, state and federal).

So, the bottom line is that, NO! I never got everything handed to me, and my kids learned to work for everything they get. But, YES! Having everything hannded to the individual is enableing.

1

There is a wide range of disability and for some it makes sense to support them, and for some it doesn't. Heck some parents support adult children without disability!

It really depends on why they are disabled.

Yes. I understand now.

1

I think that can happen whether the child is mentally ill or not ..I admit, I still rely on my mom sometimes ... she doesn't pay any of my bills or rent but my car was registered and insured in her name for years due to my horrendous driving record.. It seems like parenting can be a bit like walking a tightrope, all about balance .. I can only speak from my experience as a child not a parent : )

That's good. I just don't think controlling and doing everything for your kid is really helping them.

1

It's not a simple question and there is no black and white answer that is best for everyone. It depends on the individuals, the degree and type of diaablilty, the ability oif the parents to provide things, and much more.
Sometimes yes, the parents may be doing too much which might hold the mentally challenged person from trying harder. And sometimes they coud be doing the right thing, but to YOU it looks like they are doing too much from YOUR perspective. But would there be a reason why YOUR opinion would be better than the actual parents of the mentally challenged person who have known them all their lives/ Maybe they know things you don't?

Her mom won't let her walk off the property without another person.

@Sarahroo29 And you don't think the Mom has a responsibility to try to keep her safe? How does this actually affect your Life?

@Silverwhisper I had tried to take her places within walking distances. It became too much for me to be a babysitter and a friend. I made a post a long time ago about this. I failed as a friend. I could not afford to pay for her stuff and mine.

@Sarahroo29 I do not think you failed as a "friend." You failed as a babysitter and an extra Mother to someone who needs more care than you can expect of yourself. So it drains you emotionally a little yes? You were probably well meaning, but my opinion would be that trying to be her babysitter and trying to be her Mother to watch over her after, and even to pay for her stuff, is not the same thing as being a friend. I think a counselor would say you were having a boundary problem to extend yourself too far. That is rather one sided and dysfunctional and not really what friendship is about. But you did your best I'm sure! I think you are probably much higher functioning, yes? And it looks like you may have been ignoring YOUR needs to go a bit too far to be a caregiver for someone not able to be an equal friend. When you can not afford to pay for something perhaps the best thing is not to feel guilty, and just be honest and say you can't do it. Just my view as someone who did some counselling, but I hope you get the opinions of a few other people too. I think you have some better times ahead for yourself. 🙂

@Silverwhisper I say Hi to her at the dinner table. She has to learn to stick up for herself and learn not to tattle on every little thing someone says to her.

2

I do not think it is my place to judge how others run their lives.

Okay.

Agree. We all make the best decisions based on what we know or feel at the moment.

2

Not sure about the mental illiness part.
My parents never had the full cut off, true indapendence thing.
It was gradual, and different for each sibling.
For me I had help until about two years after college, when I finally paid my own car insurence.
Now, I just benefit from them but I'm not dapendent on them.

I see. Some parents baby their kids until they're 40-50 years old.

True, but I don't think that is what my parents do.
Don't get me wrong. My parents will always see their kids as well their kids.
It's more like I benefit from their success, and return help them out when I can.
For example, My dad was in the military for a long time and still has access to military bases. He'll take me along to get advantage of the tax free stuff.
My mom get a discount on a time share because of her work or something.
My parents hardly use it, and will give me a few nights if I ask.

@bubinf I wasn't referring to you. Sorry if it seemed that way.

2

From my perspective, the parents baby their disabled kids more than what is needed. I know a guy who told me he milks his illness to get more stuff. ? So far he's sitting pretty at age 40. No telling what will happen when his parents pass

Wow. Same for this girl. When her mom dies, who knows? I've been away from my family since I was 16.

2

Remember one thing in life do you want to be controlled or not be controlled
Control means you do not have any freedom

Rosh Level 7 Apr 9, 2018

I have freedom to do what I want. Most people here don't.

@Sarahroo29 Freedom is your choice. You decide whether you want to be control or not to be controlled

@Rosh Yep.

2

If you have all your needs met without effort, then, why put in effort? Someday the parents won't be able to provide anymore, and the grown kids will be in trouble. I agree that it is bad parenting to provide too much. Often these parents are manipulated due to their love for their children.

I concur. My mom taught me how to do things on my own. I've been on my own living away from my family since I was 16.

2

If she does not want to contribute to the cost of your WiFi then do not give her the password, if you have already done so, then change the password and do not give it to her.

She's not on my Wi-Fi, she wanted to be for free.

4

I'm schizophrenic and have a full time job and my parents help me make ends meet. They don't enable me, they help me and I help them by paying them what I can. It's about mutual respect. My friend who was in a head on collision is now mentally reduced to a 3 year old. Is her mom enabling her because she can't even remember how to feed herself? I think you need to look at things case by case, and not just assume everyone with mental problems is capable of doing things or surviving without full support. And you shouldn't complain about people on here not taking your advice. You can offer it, but that doesn't mean they have to take it. I feel like basically you're looking for validation that you're better than them. This is just my opinion.

In a way I'm posting because I'm stuck with them. I don't belong here. Not exactly better than them, I just don't fit in.

@Sarahroo29 I don't see why you feel you don't.

@LadyAlyxandrea At my place I'm not on the same mentality level as most of them are.

3

Job hunting is a bit of mine field. There are several ducks that need to be lined up correctly. Skillset, personality, attitude, attire to a lesser degree, etc.

It is hard to find jobs now-a-days.

2

I have twin 19 y.o., one is on the spectrum. They are both in college and they both do volunteer work. I suppose it all depends on how severe the disability is. BTW Sarahroo, I love reading your post, take care and be good to yourself.

Thanks.

2

Depends on the mental illness. No amount of cleaning oneself up and bla bla bootstraps is going to magically make someone with, say, Bipolar or OCD or schizophrenia the same kind of hireable as those who don't have such illnesses. Even clinical depression makes it insanely difficult when it's severe.

Not everyone is as lucky as you were, either. On the rare occasion I even get an interview (despite having very neat handwriting, a resume typed out completely to spec, etc), I make sure my clothing, makeup, and hair are as respectable as physically possible. Doesn't make one fucking bit of difference. I'm still tossed aside.

That said, I think people who aren't taking advice maybe need to take a look at their own minds and figure out /why/ they don't take advice.

I don't give anyone advice anymore.

2

My 22 yr old daughter isn't mentally ill but lives with her boyfriend and his family in my home. They pay rent. Jesse buys her own food, works part-time and cooks her own meals. She dresses like goth but won't take my advice. I figure she'll get her GED when she's ready.

Is it hard to get a GED?

I graduated.

no-and she's wicked bright just lazy.

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