Agnostic.com

17 5

A question before a wedding.

Selecting a life partner.
When I was young people would say before getting engaged or married 'can you imagine sitting across from this person for the next 50 years?' I think that is sort of the wrong question. You will really be sitting across from some version of your in-laws - the things they do, the way they argue, how do they split tasks... this won't be exact but we are all a product of how we are raised. What do you guys think?

Donna_I 8 Apr 14
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

17 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

2

I prefer to have a partner with whom to share life. Divorce doesnt have to be ugly if you've chosen the right partner. If the time comes, I have "faith" that we would split amicably with the least amount of burden on both of us.

1

Relatives from the old country have tried to shame me on not getting married, being single, and not having kids. I never really pursued having a mate maybe because my life is too comfortable right now.

I am not against the idea of marriage, but divorce is savage. The law gets involved, money is paid to lawyers, and alimony is a crutch where one partner leans on the other, despite they have seperated.

1

Nurture and nature. I'm am like my dad and my mum but definitely not the same.

2

Marriage licences don't expire (begins at 1:08, if you'd like to keep it short)

1

I think you can learn a lot about a person by observing the person's parents.

1

I think religion has brainwashed all of us to conform to their idea of what a fulfilled life should mean. The thing to do is question everything. Why do you want to get married? Is it because it's what everybody does, what is expected of us? Or is it because you want to have your partner so no one else can? Or is it because you sincerely love the person?

1

I don't want to get married.

Then don't. Marriage is the pits.

@VAL3941 I won't get married. Lol.

Hope more people have your outlook.

@VAL3941 Thanks.

1

Sometimes, not always

@Donna_I Experience. 🙂

@Donna_I Ain't that the truth! 🙂

5

Don't get married, then you can run away when you need too.

Of course it is true, and then run as fast as your littke legs can carry you !

2

I think a good question is, why marry?
If anything happens to my wife, though I hope not, I don't think I would seek to remarry.
The fear of dying alone comes to mind, but those who don't marry work that out somehow.

what they don't tell you is one of you will die first. The other person dies alone.

True, true. I guess, at that point, one's children (if any and they survive you) come in to play, at least.
In a sense, we ALL die alone, short of mutual suicide or something.
Ugh, didn't mean to get morbid with this question! lol
But in the sense you mean, I guess dying alone isn't so bad. Maybe it's just being lonely up to that point that would suck.

4

the time is irrelevant, my friend. Fifty or a hundred years could be as stifling as five or ten, when the company isn't right. Marry the person who won't just sit at the table with you; they will sit in the hospital with you - with the kids you may make; they will soar on gliders with you, or if that isn't their thing, encourage you to do it anyway, and wait at the base camp to revel in the experience with you.

Look for the ones that will share everything with you, even if they aren't doing it themselves. Look for love, but look for passion - intelligence - COMPassion - empathy. If you find that person, and they are truly that person, then you are all set.....

...as long as you are offering them the same. But that is a deeper question, isn't it?

1

There is a lot of truth in what you say nurture plays a large part in our personalities. Don't discount nature or life experience in the final outcome though.

Very true. A first attempt at rewriting a bit-o 'wisdom' that was passed to me before marriage. 🙂

3

In 50 years, you won't be you and they won't be them. Priorities will be different, personalities will change, perspectives will shift. The question that none can accurately answer with informed confidence is whether you, as a couple, will grow together or apart in the coming years. All you can do is make a guess based upon who you both are today and hope/work for the best tomorrow. /2¢

1

i can see it that way to a degree. but we are so much more than just what we learned from our parents. im not saying thats not a part of who we are, but we each have our own private experiences outside of our families. also even tho my father was a terrible person, i don't feel that i am. i may have some of his temperment or something like that, but my fathers morals are not my own.

Byrd Level 7 Apr 15, 2018

Earnestly I hope you didn't take my comment as meaning you would be and apologies if it was taken that way! There are always circumstances that would make such comparisons impossible.

@Donna_I no worries. i do agree that our parents can greatly influence us, i just wanted to remind folks that its not set in stone, just because thats how they did things, doesnt mean thats how we have to do it. no apologies needed my lady. it was a thought provoking question and i dig those

4

I think marriage is stupid. You asked. ?

Seems that increasingly the younger generations are coming to the same conclusion, at least here in Canada.

1

Probably generally true. I'm like my mom in some ways, but mostly I'm not.

We are all a combination of our upbringing, our experiences, and our own nature so that is to be expected! 🙂

5

My ex and I nearly made it to 25 years married. We just became different people. And - for a whole set of reasons - we just amicably called it done. It helped that there were no kids and no pets. But, honestly, the people we were at 24 years of age were not the people we became at 50. And that's it, really.

That is mostly what I was getting at - the person you were is different than the person you are now and 25 years ago how are we to know what we will become....

@Donna_I Copy that. A "lifelong commitment" does seem to be a heroic effort at best, and probably stupid at worst.

@Palindromeman 🙂 it occasionally works out.

@Donna_I Mayhap.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:57920
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.